It Starts With Goodbye
by xXPlayedByLifeXx
Summary: ...But with what will it end? Post S2, mid S3, AU. Jude's nearly done with her third album. But no matter what she's telling everybody, she's not over HIM yet. But she's planning on getting over him and everything that used to be Jude Harrison.
1. Chapter 1

Ok guys, this is my latest songfic. Inspiration just hit me today when I sat in school and got totally bored. Tell me what you think and if you want me to continue. It'll only be a few-shot though.

**Plot: It's post season 2, mid season 3. Only that Tommy never came back. Jude had to deal with the photos and has now nearly finished her third album. The last one that she has to do for GMajor and then she's free to go and nothing's holding her back anymore. Because no matter what she told everybody, she wasn't over him yet. But she was planning on getting over him soon, getting over everything that made Jude Harrison the person she used to be.**

So this fic will be close to the lyrics of "Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood and "Roussian Roullet" by Rihanna and a couple of other songs.

Enjoy reading and please give me some feedback!

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1. I guess it's gonna have to hurt

_**"I was sitting on my doorstep**_

_**I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand**_

_**But I knew I had to do it**_

_**And he wouldn't understand**_

_**But when you're standing at a crossroad**_

_**There's a choice you gotta make"**_

Jude picked up her phone and dialed a just too familiar number. While she waited for her boss to pick up, she stared at the house she called home. It looked just like any other day and yet everything seemed different. To Jude it really did and what made the biggest difference were the packed suitcases next to the stairs.

"Hello?" Darius Mills demanded when he picked up the phone. His voice sent a shiver down Jude's spine. She remembered how the usual nice Darius had gone totally bitchy on her once, not too long ago. Not that he hadn't had any good reasons, because he had had lots of them, but after Tommy had left, he had always been a good guy to her. Like some kind of father nearly – though a father that loved money very much.

"Hey D." Jude started, briefly wondering when exactly she had started calling him D and when she had stopped hating him. She quickly forced that thought and any other nostalgic ones out of her mind and concentrated on her conversation. "It's me. I just wanted to make sure that the papers are ready. I'll be coming in during the next 30 minutes and I'd like to sign right away." Her heart sped up a bit waiting for his reaction, she really hoped that he wouldn't make this any harder on her than it was already.

Darius got quiet on the other side of the line, one other unusual thing that Jude noticed today - comparing everything to what it used to be like -, but she wasn't surprised anymore. Ever since she had told him what she was going to do, he had been different towards her. First he had tried to change her mind, than he had started putting her on a guilt trip and then, a few days ago when he had realized there was nothing he could do, he had gotten mad. Like really mad. He had literally yelled at her and Jude had never been as intimidated by him than that day. Not even when he had found out about the pictures and the blackmail-thing.

"I guess there's no point to asking you if you're sure about this, is there?" Darius asked somewhat defeated and disappointed, maybe even sad. Jude sighed silently. She began to think that she preferred the mad Darius, because no matter how scary Darius could be, hearing the sadness and disappointment made her decision so much harder than anger could ever have. Everything would have been easier if she didn't care so much about her soon to be ex-boss, if he hadn't been so great to her after Tommy had left.

"No D, there isn't." Jude sighed again, this time more audibly. "Let's just not go through this again, alright?" She was still remembering just too well what had happened two days ago. Darius had really scared her then, but she now knew better than to dwell on it any longer.

_Flashback_

_"You can't just do this Jude! Running away isn't the solution to yours or any problem. You of all should know that!" Darius loud voice hit Jude hard. Only moments ago everything had been as ok as it had been ever since she had told him she was leaving. But now Darius had seemingly totally lost it. Maybe he had really believed her "I won't change my mind" now for the first time. _

_"Darius, please, don't make this any harder. I'm sorry for the company, but…" Jude began, trying to calm Darius down, but it seemed like her calmness was only making him madder._

_"This isn't just about the company and you know it, Jude! Did you ever think of what you're doing to your sister, to your friends?" Darius asked with blame in his voice. Jude's eyes got wide, that really was a low blow for her taste. It wasn't like she hadn't thought about that already, she knew she was being unfair and selfish, but she had to do what was best for her. This was._

_"Since when do you care about people's feelings? Or about my friends and family? You never cared before! So don't you dare to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing!" Jude cried, half yelling, half about to start crying._

_"Since when I care? I always cared, G-Major's like family and you don't just do this to family. Besides, I'm only trying to look out for you Jude, I'm not the bad guy here! You will regret this, that you can believe me." Darius yelled back, obviously trying to yell some sense into Jude._

_"That I do believe you. I already do." Jude said softly, feeling how the tears started to fall. "But I won't stay, sorry. I can't."_

_"Damn it, like hell you can! But you know what? Forget it, I won't tell you anymore how stupid you are running away. You want to ruin your life? Fine, go and do whatever you want, I don't care. Just finish that damn song and you're free to go."_

_"Darius, I'm sorry, let's not part like this. I never meant to-" Jude began, somehow not able to leave Darius while he was still mad. Didn't he understand that she needed him to at least accept what she was doing? He was the only one who knew and she needed him to at least understand where she was coming from._

_"If I were you I'd leave. Now." Darius said in a dangerously low voice, his back turned on Jude. She left then, without another word, the tears now falling free on her face. For a moment she had been more scared of Darius than sad, that was before her heart broke all over again, knowing that most likely everyone she had ever loved would hate her a few days later._

_She had only understood the next day, that Darius had only tried to scare her in order to get through to her, to make her stay. But his behavior had only brought on the opposite of the intended effect. In fact his little tantrum had made her harder in her resolve and more determined to go through with her plans. It had hurt but she had accepted it, deciding that she had deserved it._

_Flashback End_

* * *

"Whatever you want rockstar." Darius murmured. "Alright then, I have the papers here, as soon as I get the CD you can sign them and then you're free to go."

"Staff meeting's in three hours, right?" Jude asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah. But you'll be gone when I announce it, won't you?" Darius asked with a tad sarcasm in his tone.

"That I'll better be." Jude retorted with a short laugh, the first real sign of humor she had shown in the last days. "Or Sadie's going to kill me. That is if she gets to me before SME does."

"They would have every reason to go after you, you know?" Darius said quietly. Jude nearly rolled her eyes, as if she hadn't heard that before.

"I know, D. But I can't change the facts. And don't forget what you promised me. You won't tell a thing, at least not before the meeting."

"I won't Jude. I'm a man who keeps his promises. Which is the only reason you could trick me into this whole thing in the first place." Darius remarked somewhat grumpy about the fact that Jude had totally fooled him into helping her with this.

"That's good to know. I guess I'll see you soon then."

"Yeah. See you later." Darius said, just before Jude had hung up the phone.

Jude grabbed her backpack and her two suitcases, before she went out the door she took her time to look around one last time. To look upstairs, knowing that her room was now nearly totally empty. It had been weird selling all her stuff to some kids from the neighborhood the day before, but at least she was done with everything now.

Jude closed the door to her old home behind her and put her things in the trunk of her car. She would have them rather in the back of the car where she could always reach for them easily, since the trunk lock wasn't always working, but she couldn't be seen by anyone she knew with suitcases.

Jude Harrison sped away in her mustang, heading for G-Major records, her heart feeling heavy when she drove the root from her home to her favorite place in the world for what would be the last time. She glanced on the empty front passenger seat next to her, the only things lying there were two passports and her cell. Both passports had different names on them. One was Jude Harrison, the other one Jude Johnson.

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Ok, so I guess it's pretty clear. Jude's planning on leaving Toronto and her old life behind, without saying goodbye. She's even going to change her name. THe question is, will she go through with it? Will no one know she's going until it's too late? Or will a certain someone come back in time? What will it be, Jude Harrison or Jude Johnson?

Review in order to find out! ;) Please...


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the next chapter, what can I say, inspiration just keeps on hitting me ;) Anyways, I'll be gone for the weekend, but if you want to make me truly happy (and get another update on monday) just review and recommend this story^^

**Responses:**

**JENJEN87**: Thanks for the review and I hope you like this chapter :) Feel free to review again and tell me what you thought of it ;)

**kiki dee**: Thanks, always glad to hear that people appreciate my stories^^ It feels damn good to know that I can write well enough in english too. Yeah, Tommy's coming back... sooner or later ;) This IS a Jommy after all.

The used lyrics are from "Please Remember" by LeAnn Rimes and "Roussian Roulette" by Rihanna.

Enjoy reading and please leave a review ;)

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2. So many won't get the chance to say goodbye

_**I was left to cry there  
Waiting outside there  
Grinning with a lost stare  
That's when I decided...**_

_**Why should I care  
Cause you weren't there  
When I was scared  
I was so alone  
You need to listen  
I'm starting to trip  
I'm losing my grip  
And I'm in this thing alone**_

("Losing Grip" by Avril Lavigne)

* * *

Jude left the recording booth and sat down in front of the soundboard of studio C. Her favorite studio of all at G-Major. It was like always when things had gone downhill in her life in the last years, she would come here to be on her own, to get her things together. Especially during the last two month since Tommy had left, she had been in here nearly every day. It hadn't been rare to find the door of studio C locked these days, everybody just knew then that Jude was in there, doing some deep thinking or just working on her new album.

Which, speaking of it, had no one heard yet, she had kept every song a secret and had only told Darius whenever she had finished another song in record speed. She had never accepted a new producer like Darius had wanted her to, she had made it clear, that if he wanted her to sing, it would be to her own conditions.

Jude sighed when she put on the headphones and the song that she had just recorded filled her ears. It was the last track needed for her third album, the only thing that was still keeping her here in Toronto. It would be the last song she'd officially mix now for quite some time.

While listening to her own sad voice, she let her thoughts drift off to all the good times she had had at G-Major. With her friends, with Tommy. But Jude knew it wasn't the time now to dwell on the past, since she had a tight schedule; she had to be out of Toronto when the staff meeting started.

After she was done with the mixing and was satisfied with the way her latest song sounded, she burned it and the other ones she had recorded for her third album on a CD and wrote "It's My Turn" on it. She stood up and packed her things, and she was about to leave the studio, when she changed her mind. She let her bag glide to the floor next to the door and took her hand from the door knob.

Jude walked back to the soundboard and put her CD in the player once again, before she clicked on play, she unconnected the headphones. She wanted to hear her album in this studio for the last time with full volume, after all for what else were the studios soundproof?

The music blew into the room, so loud that Jude was sure she wouldn't even notice if a bomb would explode right next to her. Though her ears protested because of the volume, Jude just leaned backwards and closed her eyes, feeling every song and every line of the lyrics all over again.

She only now realized just how different this album was from her other two. The others had been way more rock, while this had more of pop-songs in it. Most were a mixture of different directions though.

When the last note faded, Jude stood up again, but instead of walking over to the door she walked into the sound booth, a sad look on her face. She pulled out her journal, the one Tommy had given to her for her lyrics. She deliberately skipped the first page, where Tommy had wrote what was now her favorite saying:

"Most of us go to our graves with the music still in our hearts."

Back then she had been touched by this words, touched by the meaning she thought there was behind Tommy's present. But she had had to accept that it had just been another of Tommy's lies, just another thing he had done to lead her on.

Jude began to sing, there was no music in the background this time, but that didn't matter to her. Because the music was in her head and in her heart, it was the first song she had written after she had decided to leave Toronto behind. It was a song about good-bye, the only not hateful song that would be on her third album.

_**Time, sometimes the time just slips away**_

_**And you're left with yesterday**_

_**With all the memories**_

_**I, I'll always think of you and smile**_

_**And be happy for the time I had you with me**_

_**Though we go our separate ways**_

_**I won't forget, so don't forget**_

_**The memories we made**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

"Come in!" Darius' voice invited in whoever had just knocked at his door. Said door opened slowly and Jude stepped in with a face that was a void of every emotion but shere determination.

"Jude, there you are." Darius stated sounding sad. Up to now he had hoped that maybe she would change her mind, or that she would not finish her album in time, but here she was, obviously not reconsidering.

"Here I am, that's right." Jude mocked his words, her voice now suddenly dropping with sarcasm. But as soon as the emotion had popped up, it vanished again and her voice was calm and even when she continued. "I have the CD you want so bad right here." Jude said and pulled out the CD case with the CD within.

"And I have the papers you need to sign so bad." Darius retorted, secretly watching Jude more closely. She didn't look or behave like the Jude he knew at all, this calm and collected person wasn't the vivacious, spirited girl he had signed about a year ago.

Jude just nodded and walked over to the desk, took the papers and skimmed over the text. Everything seemed to be fine and she signed it without further examination. After she had given the pen back to Darius, she sighed audibly.

"So, now you're officially free to go." Darius said. "Three days before your 18th birthday, you're leaving G-Major, your family and your friends behind to fly off to another continent or god-knows-where-else to be a star there, when could become a star here just as well."

"Save it D. It's done, you have my music and I'm free. I know you don't understand why I'm leaving, but you won't change my mind. I'm done with G-Major, I'm done with Toronto, and –most importantly- I'm done with being the heartbroken girl who's pining for Little Tommy Q."

"You got something wrong there, Jude. I get exactly why you're leaving, and I understand why you feel like you need to. But running away won't make it better, nor will it make things easier." Darius predicted. Jude's head shot up, she had already gotten used to the thought that Darius didn't understand her, that that had been the reason for his mean behavior. Hearing that he did understand her, made her somehow truly happy for a few moments.

"Maybe it won't." Jude admit. "Maybe it will. But whatever will happen, I doubt that it will be much better here. I need to get away, because staying here would be my end, everything's reminding me of him. Everybody here KNOWS, and just the way they are still treating me, is giving me the feeling of being some kind of charity case. I don't like that feeling, I don't like hearing how great we were and how he'll regret it and come back. Because let's face it, he won't come back."

"Jude, I'm sorry about what Tommy-" Darius began, giving her a look full of sympathy, but to Jude it seemed like pity.

"Don't Darius, I don't want to hear it anymore. It's over and I'm done with it."

"Alright, when is your flight going?" Darius asked tentatively, up to now Jude hadn't told him much, only that she was going to leave the town after she had finished her album. And he knew that she was going to Europe or to another far-away continent, something she had let slip a few weeks ago. He also assumed that already had a job, though he didn't know exactly which one.

Jude gave Darius an incredulous look, saying like "are you kidding me? As if I would tell you!", but before she could comment or anything Darius spoke again.

"You know, wherever you're planning on singing, sooner or later we'll all know where you are. News are traveling fast in this business."

"Yeah right, as if I didn't know that. But if you'll find me anyway, then why should I tell you now and give up every chance?" Jude asked lightly with a smile on her lips. "Ok D., I gotta go now. Take care of Sadie and SME. Tell everyone that I'll always love them."

"Goodbye Jude." Darius said. Before Jude was leaving though, she turned around one last time, giving Darius a calculating look.

"Oh, and just so you know D., if you decide to tell anybody about my plans before the staff meeting and I'll find them all at the airport, trying to stop me, then you'll regret it. Because as soon as you'll listen to my songs, you'll find that they are all great and would make an amazing album, but I have recorded one other song, a ballad which is not on the CD, but the best single-material you can wish for. So as soon as I enter my plane, I'll make sure that you're getting the song, if anything goes wrong, well then you'll just have to settle with what you already have." Jude finished, now smirking at Darius' angry face. He clearly had thought about breaking his promise or off just tipping Sadie and SME off, but now they both knew that he wouldn't do it, after all it was still about the money and the company in the first place.

"You think you're doing yourself a favor, don't you?" Darius asked, clearly not thinking that Jude was doing the right thing. Jude rolled her eyes and turned her back on him, somewhat bored by hearing the same lines all over again. She opened the door and suddenly felt the urge to say something, to give away what was worrying her the most. It wouldn't hurt anyone and she just needed to get it out. To say it, to believe it herself.

"Just for the record D. You won't find me. Because I won't be singing." With that Jude left Darius office without waiting for her former boss' reaction. When she now headed for the exit, she felt like years older than just 18. And although it was damn hard, she didn't look back once.

* * *

Darius was looking at the people in front of him, most sitting in groups of three or four, chatting light-hearted, wondering why this meeting has been called in. Sadie and Kwest were flirting, while SME was fooling around as usual and Jamie was sitting next to them, shaking his head at his friends' immature jokes. Darius cleared his throat and the conversations stopped almost immediately. A smile nearly appeared on his features, as usual when he once again saw how scared a few of them were of him.

"I know you're probably all wondering why I called in this meeting, since our regular staff meeting would be next week. I'm sure some of you will be glad to hear that this won't take long, I only want to make an announcement and then you can all go back to work." Darius paused in his little speech, taking in the waiting and curious faces. "I'm sad to tell you, that one of our artists decided to leave the G-Major family and signed the papers to make it official today. Jude Harrison won't be a part of G-Major any longer. She finished her third album today and left right after she had fulfilled her contract. Unfortunately I couldn't convince her to stay." Darius said with a serious face, before he put on his trademark smile and told everybody to get back to work. Most obeyed happily and left the room quickly, except for Sadie, Kwest, SME and Jamie. Those seven were still sitting in their chairs when the last one had left the room, staring incredulous at Darius.

"What do you mean with "Jude left"?" Sadie finally asked, sounding pretty upset.

"I'm sorry Sadie, but Jude left today and she has left town by now too, from what I know. She made me promise not to tell anyone before now and told me to tell you all that she still loves you and won't forget any of you. And that she hopes you all understand that she needed to do this for herself."

"When will she be back, dude?" Spied asked, sounding as upset and hurt as Sadie.

"I don't know. But if you're asking for my guesses; I'm not sure if she'll be back at all." Darius answered sadly, silently cursing Jude for making him tell these people, who literally would do anything for her, that she had left without saying goodbye.

"But why would Jude do something like that? It just doesn't seem like her at all!" Kwest wondered loud, while he was putting his arm in a supporting manner around Sadie's shoulders. Darius sighed, knowing that he would now have to tell the whole story.

"I'm afraid Jude had fooled all of us pretty well. She never got over Tommy. After he left she seemed to get back on track, sure, but it seems like that was all just a very good act of hers. After she had fought me on the "getting-a-new-producer-issue", I thought she just needed some time. But two weeks ago she came into my office and informed me that she only needed three more songs to finish her third album, and that she wasn't going to sign a new contract with G-Major. She tricked me into promising to not tell anybody before she told me about her real plans. She told me that she'd skip town as soon as her last song here was recorded and that she wouldn't say goodbye to any of you. And that I couldn't tell anyone before this staff meeting she told me to call in." Darius sighed, remembering the day she had told him and how he hadn't believed what he heard. "The rest is pretty much history, she gave me this CD with her songs 30 minutes ago and left. She refused to tell me where to, but hinted that she would not only leave the continent but quit singing also."

* * *

Jude gave her passport to the woman behind the counter, giving away only a weak and polite smile. SHe then took her passport and and headed for the gates. SHe got through the security without any problems and not much later she was entering the plane. She sat down next to a window in the first class and stared through the glass while she waited for the plane to take off. All the reasons for her departure flashed through her mind when she closed her seat belt and the plane started rolling along the airfield.

_Sure, I love Tommy, but I can't wait any longer. I can't waste my time on someone who's just left me standing on a street. I can't stay if I want to be left with any pride. It's hard and it hurts, but moving on starts with letting go. So I guess this is goodbye. Goodbye Tommy. Goodbye Toronto. _

_Goodbye Jude Harrison._

* * *

"She has her album finished? But how? I mean we haven't made any back up music for her since Tommy left!" Wally interjected confused.

"Well, I haven't listened to the CD yet. If you want to we could listen all together to it now." Darius suggested, seeing the hurt and the deep sadness in Sadie's, Jamie's and Spied's eyes. They all nodded and Darius pressed play on the little CD-player he had brought.

They all remained silent until the last song began to play, or, how Darius silently thought, the second last song.

_**Take a breath, take it deep  
Calm yourself, he says to me  
If you play, you play for keeps  
Take a gun, and count to three  
I'm sweating now, moving slow  
No time to think, my turn to go**_

_**And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest  
And I'm terrified but I'm not leaving  
Know that I must must pass this test  
So just pull the trigger**_

When the sound of a gunshot ended the song, everybody in the room had a shocked look on their faces, only now truly understanding how entirely Jude had fooled them. And how deep Tommy had hurt her for real.

Before anyone could say anything, the door to the room suddenly opened and one of the persons they had at least expected to see now walked in. The person looked at all the shocked and surprised faces and at Sadie who had been obviously crying.

"Hey guys, I'm back." Pause. Silence. Confusion. "Who died?"

* * *

That was the second part of this story. Who crashed the meeting? Has Jude really left Toronto, and where she's headed to? Is Jude Johnson going to remain a stranger to everybody Jude Harrison once loved?

Review in order to find out ;) Pretty pretty please!


	3. Chapter 3

So here's the latest update for you guys... The lyrics that go before this chappy are from "Higher Ground" by Alexz Johnson, as you'll all notice for sure. The ones used in the chapter are from "Here Without You" by 3DoorsDown.

ENJOY READING and PLEASE REVIEW!

* * *

_**I left everyone behind me  
I took everything I know  
Half way up and I'm still climbing  
Still a million miles to go **_

_**The water is drawing nearer  
As everything disappears **_

_**I know this road  
Never seen it before  
I know what lies behind unopened doors  
I saw the signs from the distant shore  
That I couldn't ignore... **_

_**I'm heading for higher ground **_

_**

* * *

  
**_

_**3. In Between Past and Future**_

"So Jude, tell me more about the new film you're doing!" The interviewer, Katie Meyer, said to the black-haired famous actress sitting across of her. Jude smiled friendly and took one last sip of her coffee before she put it down and turned her full attention to Katie and her question.

"Well, it's a great movie from what I know so far. I have only skimmed over the scripts, but who doesn't like another vampire movie with lots of romance in it? I have a feeling like these things are really coming right now." Jude said and laughed at Katie's shocked face. "Sorry Katie, I was just joking. No, actually it's a romantic comedy thingy and I can't wait to get to set. Especially with the other actors it's a movie I wouldn't wanna miss!"

Katie laughed at Jude's little joke and quickly made some notes. Jude leaned back in her easy chair and looked around for a few moments. She had asked Katie on the phone if it would be ok to make the interview at Starbucks since that was Jude's favorite place in the city. Katie had of course agreed immediately, after all every magazine was currently dying to get an exclusive interview with Jude Johnson, the big star in Europe, Asia and –lately- in the States too.

"Yeah, the rest of the cast. I heard that Edward Newswick is going to take the male lead, is that right?" Katie asked somewhat tentatively. Jude smiled at the woman, showing that she had no problems with questions about her ex-fiancé Edward.

"You've heard right, Katie. He's indeed playing the character I'll fall in love with in the movie. I know, it seems kind of ironic given the history of reality, but it's actually not that bad. Ed and I parted as good friends and I can't wait to work with him again. Sadly in our business it's rare that you get to see your close friends all that often."

"Won't it be awkward, having to act like you'd still be in love with him?" Katie inquired further, obviously not buying Jude's casual attitude.

"No, I doubt that. I think it will be even less weird than with a stranger since we know each other pretty well and we're still really close." Jude answered, still smiling. She secretly wanted to yell at Katie to just shut the hell up, but her manager would most likely kill her afterwards. Plus she really didn't want to draw the attention to hers and Ed's past relationship and the reason for its ending.

Katie nodded and scrabbled again some more notes down, though it was clear that she wasn't satisfied with Jude's answer yet.

"The set and the shootings will be in New York, is that right?" Jude nodded, Katie continued. "You said recently in an interview that you're originally from Canada, will it be nice to be close to home again?" Jude nearly cringed at that question, especially at the mentioning of home, but she wasn't called an extraordinary talented actress for nothing. The Jude Harrison that used to have problems with lying but had been great with singing, was the complete opposite of Jude Johnson, who was an amazing and famous actress but claimed to not be able to hold a note if it was for her life.

"I haven't been back in Canada for years now and to be true I don't call it home anymore. My home is now in my townhouse in London and my flat in Paris. I feel home in Europe rather than anywhere else in this world. But it'll be certainly nice to get back to America for a change. I always loved traveling and I've sadly never been to New York before." Jude replied diplomatically, making it crystal clear that she didn't want to talk about her "home" anymore. Fortunately Katie took the hint and continued with casual questions, the ones Jude was answering like every second day all over again in some other interview.

But Jude wasn't complaining, this way she could let her thoughts drift of a little bit and just enjoy her coffee and the atmosphere she so absolutely loved about Starbucks. She had only reluctantly accepted the offer to the movie she would now have to do in New York. But since Nathan, the producer, was a close friend of hers and needed someone famous enough to get the movie some publicity, she had given in for her friends' sake. After all it was the first movie he was doing on his own and she really wanted to help him, even if that meant spending time with Ed.

Still, the thought of crossing the ocean that had parted Jude Johnson's and Jude Harrison's lives up to now kind of scared her. She had successfully moved on with her life and had left Jude Harrison behind for real. She was barely thinking about "home" and Tommy for that matter nowadays. But she still hadn't forgotten what it had taken her to get through to this point. She hadn't forgotten about the sleepless nights and the tons of tears she had shed on Tommy.

In the beginning it had been great, she had loved being and working at the set, getting the chance to be truly someone else. But then she had seen Tommy's TV appearance and everything had turned to dust. He had performed his first song after all the years with BoyzAttack and the years of producing. It had been such a sad and remorseful song that it had taken all the strength within Jude to not get on the next plane back home. Well, that would certainly have been a big mistake. No, make that a huge mistake.

Because after she had done yet another mistake –checking her old e-mail account for the first time after she had left- she had seen yet another TV appearance of Little Tommy Q. There he had been shown together with a blonde woman of his age, beautiful and with model looks, who had been introduced as his fiancé and the mother of his child.

Right. After Tommy had sung this amazing song for her on TV, at least she had thought it had been for her, and she had read the numerous e-mails from home about how Tommy came back for her and about how he still loved her and everything, after all that he turned out to have had a child all this time she had known him and she never knew.

She had been about to forgive him, about to go back to being Jude Harrison, the girl who would always love Tom Quincy, but then he had managed to shatter her heart all over again. What hurt the most wasn't even that he had moved on and had a child, but that he had lied to Jude all this time. That he had never even told her about the child, or why he had left her for it out of the blue. She used to think that they had had something, that he had really loved her, but since he had seemingly only lied to her all the time she wasn't so sure anymore. With everyday she was more convinced, that to him it had all been one stupid little game. Meaningless, something you could easily file away as "never happened".

"Jude?" Katie's voice brought Jude back into reality and it took her a few moments to realize that she obviously hadn't answered Katie's last question.

"Excuse me, what were you asking again?" Jude asked still a little bit dazed, these memories of the night she had seen HIM and his fiancé was just still so real.

"No problem. What's your favorite song?" Katie asked once again, not disturbed by the fact that Jude had just drift off, after all were these the times when the stars forgot about being cautious and told the truth.

"Here without you, by Tom Quincy" Jude answered without thinking, even before she had realized what she was saying. As soon as she did, she cursed silently and scolded herself. This wasn't the answer she was supposed to give, this wasn't the song she was supposed to think about all the time. Unfortunately, she did.

"Oh, so you're a closet BoyzAttack fan too?" Katie asked with raised eyebrows, remembering that it was generally known that Jude was into rock.

"No, I'm of course not. That's so not my direction!" Jude quickly assured Katie while she had to think of something real fast to cover up her stupidity. "I just love the lyrics and can totally relate to them. Plus the first love of my life sang that song once for me so long ago. And you know what they say, you never forget your first love." Jude finished with a victorious smile, inwardly patting her own shoulder for saving herself with that half-lie.

But no matter how good she was at lying, the truth was that these lyrics were still haunting her everytime she heard the song, mocking her old love for Tommy. Telling her how naïve she had been to think he would ever write such a beautiful song about her of all people. She should have never mistaken him to be the one so deeply in love that he poured out love songs about her all the time, no, that part in their "relationship that never happened" had been all hers.

* * *

_Flashback_

_Jude sat in her Paris apartment on her comfy couch, looking out of the window, enjoying the fantastic view of Paris and the Eiffeltour at night, while advertising was on the TV. She was even thinking of just switching the TV off, since the show she was currently watching had no good music at all and the only reason she had turned it on in the first place was because it was a festival in Canada._

_Jude had now left Toronto about two months ago and had just finished the movie she had been shooting in and around Paris. She wasn't even missing her old life all that much, except for some nights like this one, when she had nothing better do to and began watching Canadian TV and became a little bit nostalgic. An emotion she would laugh about the next day, since she found it plain ridiculous to get "nostalgic" at the age of 18. _

_18. Her 18th_ _birthday had been quite great, in opposite to the ones Jude Harrisons used to have. She had gotten a great party from the producers of the movie, Cedric Renwick and Nathan Stiles, and everything had been great that night. That night she had been so sure that she'd be ok. That she had done the right thing._

_When Jude's eyes glanced back to the screen, looking who was now currently singing, she had to take a double take. For a moment she was convinced to see ghosts and to get crazy, but no matter how often she blinked, the man on the stage remained the same. She quickly grabbed her control and turned on the volume, her eyes now glued to the screen._

"…_after so many years he's back with a new solo album and is now performing his first single. Little Tommy Q grew up and here he goes: Tom Quincy!" The moderator finished and then the camera took a closer look at Tommy so that Jude could now see his every feature. He looked right into the camera with his trademark smile, though Jude missed the old one he had only reserved for her._

"_Hey everybody, I gotta say that it really does feel good to be back in front of a mic. Producing was fun, but this is the real thing." Tommy laughed and beamed into the camera. "This song is called "Here Without You" and it has a very special meaning to me. I wrote this for an amazing girl, which I love but which I've done so terribly wrong. I hope she'll be able to forgive me someday. Girl, this is for you!_

_**A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same  
But all the miles had separate  
They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face**_

_**I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me**_

_Flashback End_

_

* * *

  
_

"Alright, then I guess that's all. Is there anything else you want to announce before you fly off to the States?" Katie asked, knowing that their time was up since Jude's flight was going in about an hour.

"Yeah, actually," Jude told a surprised Katie, normally Jude wouldn't have said anything else, but she had been told to mention that she'd would slightly change her looks for the movie. "I'm going to dye my hair blonde for this movie. I just hope my fans will still like the movie, though the character I'm playing is blonde. I for my part am pretty excited to try out blonde, but I'll go black again after the movie."

"Wow, I think that will be something we'll all have to get used to first. How you once said so apropos at one of your prize-givings, your black hair and your blue eyes are your trademarks." Katie laughed and said her goodbyes to Jude after she thanked the actress for taking her time. Jude smiled politely and then left the Starbucks after she had bought another Caramel Macchiato to go.

With mixed feelings she climbed into the limo and headed for the airport, afraid of crossing the ocean, afraid of getting mixed up in between Jude Harrison's and Jude Johnson's life.

* * *

That was the chappy so far. Hope you liked it. It's more of a filler, it needs to be read for the next chapter which will be more exciting and with more action...

Tell me what you think, if you want another update. And you might even get it pretty soon!


	4. Chapter 4

Here goes the fourth part... I don't think there will be much more, maybe two or three for that matter...

* * *

_**"And the world around us won't stop turning tonight,  
I like, I like.  
I'm losing control right now and I feel it's right,  
I like, I like.  
We're caught in this moment I won't let you go,  
and the world around us won't stop turning tonight.  
I like, I like, I like, I like."**_

(I Like – Keri Hilson)

* * *

**_4. Being With You Is Enough For Me_**

Jude looked in the mirror, somewhat shocked by her own looks and the feelings and memories that came rushing back. She had never realized that changing her looks had been nearly as important as leaving Toronto behind. Because now she was seeing the seventeen year old, blonde and heartbroken teenager all over again, the girl that had had no future.

Jude had always only thought of it as a necessity, since she didn't want to be found by Sadie or Speed or just anyone she used to know oh-so well. Just like she had refused during all those years to do any movies which would most likely get famous on both sides of the ocean, because no matter how different she looked and acted, she wouldn't want to take the risk of being accidently recognized. No, with only doing Europe and partly even Asian Movies, she had been on the safe side, knowing that none of them would end up in Canada's headlines.

She had even come to like her new hair color; she had always felt a little bit awkward, looking like the typical "Angel"-figure. It hadn't been seldom that she had been called a "blonde, adorable angel", and fitting to that natural image, she had acted like one to, she had always been the "good girl".

_Well, I'm sure there aren't many teenagers who could honestly say, that they have only been once to a club until they were freaking eighteen years old. Ok, I gotta admit, that one time I got drunk and everything, I even let someone take nude pictures of me, but still… _

Jude chuckled at her own thoughts. Plus she found it strange that she was only realizing now how much the hair color had mattered to her, had somewhat defined her. Something else Jude was only noticing now was, that she wasn't Tommy's type anymore, theoretically. He had always had a thing for blondes, well except for Portia maybe, but didn't he claim that had been a mistake anyways?

"Jude, are you ready?" Nikki asked when she poked her head through the door frame.

"Sure, I was born ready." Jude murmured and straightened up, she took one last good look at herself, as if she needed to become accustomed to the blonde reflection again. Then she turned around and shot Nikki a broad smile. "Let's have some fun then!"

Nikki grinned back and soon both girls were standing at the street in front of the Plaza, waiting for their limo to come. Nikki had a phone pressed at her left ear, talking hastily to some assistant of hers while Jude was watching the people passing by.

Coming to New York had always been a dream of her, ever since she was little, she had dreamed of giving a big concert in New York and signing a contract with a major label there too. Being able to go to the Empire State Building every night, looking down on the lights of New York city. Living in the big apple, living the dream.

"Finally!" Nikki exclaimed and opened the door of the limo as soon as the car had stopped. She threw in her designer bag and climbed in directly after it, she was as excited as Jude to finally get into the car and to some it-club in the city. New York was famous for its night life and that was something Jude and Nikki totally appreciated. Jude smiled at how eager her friend was, though she knew that she usually wasn't much better. She had been the same way in some of the bigger cities of Europe or in Bangkok or in Sydney,... (a list that could go on quite a while). The only thing that was different now, was that she didn't feel all that good being so close to home again. Though close was somewhat the wrong word, after all she still had many miles between her and her hometown, but it was the closest she had gotten to Toronto since three long years and now that closeness made her nervous.

"What's up with you today, darling? PMS or what?" Nikki asked flat out after they had told the driver to get them to one of the "it"-clubs. Jude swallowed and nearly started coughing at that question, she wasn't really surprised through, since Nikki was never holding back anything. That girl had no tact or whatsoever and her manager was about to have a breakdown after every interview the young actress was giving.

"Nothing, I'm fine." Jude answered indifferently, but seeing that Nikki wouldn't just back off yet until they had reached the club she quickly continued. "I just resent that color. I mean, seriously, BLONDE, is so NOT my thing!" Jude threw her arms up theatrically, leaving her friend speechless for a few moments before both started laughing like crazy.

"But girl, you're totally right! I myself looked bruenette way hotter than blonde. I still don't know why I ever agreed on doing this movie… oh, right, you persuaded me." Nikki commented half joking, half blaming, after both had sobered up again. Jude rolled her eyes at the last comment, as if Nikki would ever do something she didn't want to…

"Right, I persuaded you. It's all my fault, isn't it? It's my fault that you wanted so desperately to go and live in New York for a few months. In the PLAZA, as I might add, in which we only are, because you demanded it."

"Ok, so MAYBE I wanted to go too, but as soon as I heard about the whole black-hair thing I wasn't so sure anymore!" Nikki tried to defend herself, though she was grinning again.

"Yeah, that might even be true, your only problem was that you had already told the press several times about how great the movie was and how "in love" you were with the character you'd be playing. What were your words again? Oh, right: "I wouldn't miss it for anything in this world!". So it would have been not only money loss, since you stupid had already signed a contract, but also bad publicity; both things you can't afford after the last stunt you pulled." Jude retorted in an indifferent voice, feeling like she was having this conversation for like the zillionth time. Nikki had already complained about the whole thing several times over the phone, while they had still been on the other continent.

Jude would have smiled at her friends constant complains, if she hadn't been feeling so uncomfortable being so close to home again. She actually really liked Nikki, they had bonded in the first movie Jude had been shooting, the one she had left Toronto for, and it was because of Nikki, that Jude was nowadays rarely thinking about Toronto – usually. Jude hadn't told Nikki all that much about her past, but nevertheless the other girl had managed to put a stop to Jude's misery and had forced the black-haired girl to grow up and to learn how to enjoy life. Even if she hadn't asked for it, Nikki had been the best thing that could have happened to Jude Johnson and she silently thanked fate for her best friend.

"Whatever, Judy, stop trying to lecture me and just get out this car, this club looks like it's surely filled with hot guys!" Nikki squealed, it seemed like she had forgotten what they had even been talking about. Jude now knew for sure that her friend had been once again drinking alone in her hotel room. Jude sighed and did as she had been told; when Nikki was drunk or even only slightly drunk, there was no serious talking to her anymore. It normally wasn't like Nikki to get drunk before they went to a club and usually she never drunk that much either. She always said that she was crazy enough to enjoy herself just fine without drugging herself.

_Probably this creep of an ex-boyfriend called her again, or send her an email, or a letter, or whatever he always sends. Well, I can just hope to knock some sense into her tomorrow before she thinks of forgiving him all over again. Damn this cheating bastard for being so damn charming! _

"Hey, back in the line you two bitches!" Two women called who were standing in the line that Jude and Nikki were just passing by. Jude rolled her eyes and ignored the usual bitchy and jealous comments from random strangers. But Nikki obviously wasn't in the mood to ignore anything that night, and when Nikki wasn't in the mood she messed back, no matter what.

"Shut up you ugly skanks! Didn't you just see that limo? That's ours and we'll go into that club whenever we want to! So worry about your own crappy lives and let us live our glamorous ones in peace, now would you?"

Before the two women or anybody else could add anything, Jude had already passed the security guy with a certain look; that one every pretty girl used to get whatever she wanted from a guy – let's just say Jude had a great teacher (Nikki) and knew everything about using said look.

Nikki was immediately heading for the bar where it didn't take her long to get the guy sitting next to her to dance with her. Jude watched her friend walking off without saying anything. She shook her head before she turned her head to her own drink once again.

_Or maybe her parents have called, or even her sister. After contact with Jason she usually isn't that quickly hitting it off with other guys... Damn it, I wish she would have told me instead of starting to empty the mini-bar of her room, which she sure did._

* * *

A few hours later Jude was leaving said club again, though this time she was alone. Nikki had taken off with some hot stranger who had just happened to sit right next to Nikki at the bar. There had been a time when Jude would have been worried about her friend, and to be true she still slightly was every time Nikki left with some stranger, but she had learned to accept it and now trusted the though girl to get herself home every next morning. She hadn't been disappointed once up to now.

Jude had contemplated on hooking up with some of the random guys she had danced with too, but in the end she had decided against it, not really feeling like having meaningless sex plus having to have the small talk that most one-night stands sadly included. Sure, there were guys who didn't talk much, but still, she just wasn't in the mood tonight. So she just walked through the streets and enjoyed the night and all the lights.

She probably should have been worried about walking around in NYC during night all alone, but she somehow wasn't. This was her first day in the bid apple and it all still felt somewhat surreal. In the windows of the long-closed shops she spotted products from firms that she hadn't seen ever since she had left Toronto. Things that were only sold in the USA and Canada.

Somehow Jude ended up in front of the Empire State Building, though she needed a few moments to realize that. She checked her watch and saw that it was still opened for about half an hour. It was 1:30 a.m., and it had always been a dream of Jude's to be on the top of the Empire State Building at night to watch the city lights beneath her. A dream that was about to come true. Jude grinned and bought herself a ticket before she entered the elevator. When she arrived at the top she looked on her watch one last time, seeing that she still had 17 minutes until she had to head downstairs again.

The chilly air hit her again when she walked outside, but she welcomed the cold air that filled her lungs. Like usually when she had drank just a little bit too much, she always felt hot, like she had fever or something and the only thing helping then was cold air. Though she had only been inside the Empire State Building for about ten minutes, her cheeks had still blushed again and she was feeling so hot again, that it was like walking in paradise when she felt the cold air cool her down again.

The blonde girl walked over to the rail and leaned slightly over it, looking down to the street beneath her and the small lights of the cars, she felt dizzy looking down all the distance and soon stood straighter again, now taking in the panoramic view of New York at night. It was breathtaking, just like she had always imagined it.

Jude began walking around on the deck, happy that she seemed to be the only one up there currently, that was something she really appreciated. She couldn't have wished for more in this moment, here she was, alone on the Empire State Building at night with a view that reminded of a sky full with stars on the earth.

Unfortunately Jude soon realized that she wasn't all alone after all, a dark figure contrasted with the dim darkness and the city lights, standing not far from where Jude had now stopped. But she decided that she'd just ignore the one other person on this deck and enjoy the view until she had to get back down to the earth again. Yeah, she kinda felt like if she was up in the sky or something, only without a plane.

When Jude glanced over to the stranger a few minutes later, she saw that he – or she- had changed his position and that she could now perceive some rough features of the man –yeah, it was now clearly a man. After a few moments she had even detected what he was wearing: a leather jacket that seemed to be black (stylish) and some light blue jeans plus, ok, here it comes; sunglasses!?

Jude took a double take, unconsciously approaching the unknown guy, wondering why in hell someone would wear sunglasses at night on the Empire State building, while thanking the owners of the building for the few lights they had installed, that allowed her to see more of the stranger.

Suddenly the unknown turned around and his eyes met Judes. Jude gasped, shocked and overwhelmed with different emotions of all kinds overcoming her. What the hell…?

It was –of course- Tom Quincy, looking back at her. Obviously as surprised as she was to see the familiar face. He approached her, taking his sunglasses off in the process. Right, as if that would change anything.

Actually it kind of did, because it snapped Jude out of her trance. She suddenly was back in reality from her shock state and her mind was now working with high speed while she was slowly backing off, with the same tempo that he was coming nearer, just so that the distance between them remained the same.

_What were the chances of meeting Tommy Quincy of all people tonight, in New York, on the Empire State building at 1:48 a.m.? Damn it, why does this always happen to me? I've been doing so good lately, I had everything going for me, but no, I just HAD to take this damn offer in New York city. Why couldn't I just stay away? _

"Jude?!" Tommy asked, somewhat shocked, somewhat happy. Somewhat confused. It was written all over his face, that he hadn't thought he'd ever see her again. Well, what coincidence, Jude had thought the same.

_How can he still look this damn hot after three damn years? And why the hell am I even noticing this? Or the ring at his left hand? God damn it, WHY?!_

Jude scolded herself, annoyed with the feelings that were clearly resurfacing. These feelings were some she really couldn't use right now. This wasn't like three years ago in the studios of G-Major where she had always loved their undeniable chemistry and would have showed Tommy her feelings and would hope that he would finally admit that he felt the same about her.

No, this was reality and a very present one, in which Tommy happened to have a fiancé, hell maybe even a WIFE by now, and a kid. This wasn't the time for Jude to start longing after Tommy again, the guy she could never have.

_What the hell is he even doing here? Shouldn't he be at home with his girl –or with just ANY girl? Or in some bar with Kwest. And, in the first place, he should be in TORONTO, not here in New York._

"Hey Tommy." Jude managed to get out, right after she had somehow got the words out of her mouth, she felt not only extremely dumb, but although felt that she had hit the railing behind her, meaning that she couldn't back off any longer. Shit.

"I knew you'd come up here some night, girl." Tommy said, shooting her one of this amazing, dizzy-making smiles. The ones that made Jude go all crazy inside. Why was this stupid ex-boybander still able to make her heart beat faster?

"What?" Jude asked confused, but then she suddenly remembered.

* * *

_Flashback_

_It was another late night in the studio. Everybody had left, except for Jude and Tommy, who were determined to get this one song done. Though they hadn't really been working much during the last two hours since Kwest had left. Right now they were both lying on the couch, Tommy sitting, Jude lying comfortably with her head in Tommy's lap, her eyes closed while Tommy was playing with a few strands of her hair._

"_So Harrison, it's my turn. Where is your favorite place to be right now?" Tommy asked. They had started playing some stupid game, in which they just asked the other random questions which the other HAD to answer totally honestly._

"_What time is it exactly?" Jude inquired, sounding thoughtfully.  
"1:50 a.m. So it's nearly 2 a.m., girl. Tell me, where would you like to be right now?"_

"_With you." Jude answered truthfully, she opened her eyes a little bit and grinned sleepily up at Tommy, only to find him smile back at her. She closed her eyes again and continued. "With you in New York city. On the Empire State Building, where we can see all the lights of New York city at night. That's where I'd just love to be right now. But just being with you is good enough for me right now."_

"_I'm glad then. Only here to make you happy, girl." Tommy commented chuckling. Jude yawned. "You're tired, I should probably get you home now." Tommy said, beginning to move tentatively._

"_Nah!" Jude complained. "It's my turn and I'm not that tired yet, Quincy. Besides, I like it much better here with you than home with mom and Don doing who-knows-what in the living room."_

"_Alright girl, one last question then." Tommy gave in, not able to say no to his Jude._

"_Yay!" Jude exclaimed happily and satisfied. Then she got quiet for a few moments, before she suddenly opened her eyes, not looking tired any longer at all. Their eyes made contact and Jude began speaking again. "Do you want to kiss me right now? Because if you do... I don't mind."_

_Instead of answering Tommy just leaned down and closed the gap between them while Jude had been coming up to him a little bit._

_Flashback End_

_

* * *

_"You remembered." Jude whispered, not sure if he had heard her. It was so easy for her to get caught up in the past again, in all the moments she had Tommy had shared, while he was only a few feets away from her. All the things she had surpressed for so long, they were all rushing back now.

"Of course I did. How could I ever forget you, Jude?" Tommy asked, he was now standing a few feets away from her, if she had reached out with her hand, she could have touched him. Jude silently thanked and cursed god at the same time when he stopped coming nearer.

* * *

To be continued. If you review that is... You think you could write 4 more reviews before I post again? ;)


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys, so here I am, back with the next chapter. Sorry it took me so long, but I had to deal with some personal stuff, personal crazyness would be the better word I think^^

**Happy New Year everyone! :)**

This chapter is short, but I think the next one will be longer. Plus it will be most likely posted during the next week^^ The thing is, that I've been thinking. ANd I kinda got two ways to go on with this fic, I can do two more chapters and end this story, but tonight I got so many ideas about how much more I could write... well, I was just wondering, do you want to read more? :D Anyways, I kinda gotta decide which way to take before I finish the next chapter, so by my next post you'll know my decision :)

Responses:

**shadylady21: **I'm glad you loved it so far :) Sorry to dissapoint you, but this chappy isn't exactly filled with Jommyness. Sadly. But there will come some, that I can promise you^^ About the engagement, *broad grin*, let's just say that he's not in love with his fiancé for sure. :D Hope you like this chapter though it's short.

**JENJEN87: **I'm continuing, and this story will get it's deserved end, that I promise :) Thanks for the review! I *HEART* REVIEWS^^

**tabbzjommy**: Glad you love it :) Hope you enjoy this chappy as well^^ Thanks for the review and feel free to press that lovely button under this chapter again! ;)

Thanks for everyone who read through this story. I really love writing this, it's one of these stories where you have sooo many ideas for since it's something new, different from the other stuff. Most of my other IS stories are somewhat similiar, but this is a different Jude and I really enjoy writing it.

ENJOY READING AND REVIEW!

* * *

_**Cause I remember every word that you said  
It all just keeps spinning around in my head  
But it don't matter what I try to do  
I keep on forgetting to forget about you  
And I don't want to think about you baby so much  
All the things we did and the way that we touched  
Just when I think I found someone new  
I keep on forgetting to forget about you  
Forget about you, forget about  
Watch me turn around and forget, forget about you  
Forget about me and you**_

(Keep Forgetting - Jojo)

* * *

_**5. Now That's Just My Luck Again**_

"You look great, girl." Tommy stated when his eyes had roamed her body up and down. Jude blushed unwillingly, not knowing what to say or how to act. She could still read him like an open book –sometimes at least, and when he grinned at her now, she knew that it was because he saw how he still affected her.

"You too, Tom." Jude answered shortly, not letting any emotions show in her voice. Even if her body might not be able to resist Tommy Quincy, her mind was. At least for now. Her mind was desperately searching for a way out of this situation, because if one thing was sure, it was that Jude Harrison would always fall for Tom Quincy. Something Jude Johnson could not afford.

Tommy flinched slightly, obviously noticing not only the distant manner but also the "Tom"-name usage. Jude never called him Tom, it was always Tommy or Quincy or even Little Tommy Q to piss him off. But never Tom.

"So, what have you been up to during the last years?" He asked after a few moments of silence. Jude took her time to answer that, needing the time to think of a good answer since being so near to the guy she used to love with her whole heart was kinda distracting. But for what was she an award-winning actress if not to fool people around her?

"I was living the dream. You should know all about it. Been there, done that and all that... I guess you could say I explored my professional options." Jude finished with a sarcastic smirk.

"Wow, more vague wasn't possible, now was it?" Tommy retorted, anger and hurt flashing in his eyes. He couldn't believe Jude's nerve, that she was still avoiding him, trying to keep her life from him. But he quickly calmed down again, remembering what Sadie and Kwest had told him, how devastated Jude was when he had left her. How hard he had had to work until at least Kwest was talking to him again. And all the time he had spend on searching the girl he loved. But Jude had really done a good job, not even D had been able to find her. He wanted so bad to know what she had been up to, but it was obvious that he wouldn't get an answer, so he tried the only thing else he could think of. "Look Jude, I'm sorry, I really am. I never meant to leave you that night, but I had to and I hated myself for it, knowing that I hurt you. Just let me explain it to you girl, please."

Jude looked at Tommy and his pleading face. For the first time she didn't have to force the cold look into her eyes. She didn't have to act unhappy. Because with the mentioning of THAT NIGHT, all the reasons why she had left Toronto came rushing back to her. Something she was damn grateful for, since they replaced the thoughts of how hot Tommy still looked. And the memories of all the good times. These nasty happy memories that had nearly always ruined her relationships with other guys.

"Well, you certainly wasn't the only one who hated you." Jude hissed viciously, fighting against all the memories. The nights she had spent crying herself to sleep. How she had gotten drunk because of HIM. How the pictures arrived and she had felt so damn alone. And how she had had yet another breakdown when she had heard of Tommy's "engagement" and the kid he had never told her about.

"Jude, I'm sorry, so sorry about everything. I handled things wrong, I said all the wrong things. Hell, I'd change it if I could, but I can't. But-" Tommy began, trying to convey his message with his eyes as well as with his words. But Jude wasn't up to hearing any more of his excuses. Hell, she had heard enough excuses for the rest of her life. And something she sure wouldn't risk ever again was letting Tommy talk her back into forgiving him, into depending on him. She wouldn't let him in again.

"But you're the wrong guy, I get that now. Believe me, I know that now. I'm a big girl, I can easily admit that I've been a fool for believing in you back then." Jude interrupted, now with a bitter and sort of sardonic grin on her face. She really was enjoying this conversation, finally giving Tommy her piece of mind. Deep down she knew she wasn't being fair, deep down she knew that she was hurting Tommy and that it wasn't really something she wanted. That it wasn't the way she should act to convince Tommy that she was over him. But to hell with reasoning, this was way too much fun to miss it. Plus maybe she could get some real closure this way, or at least live the rest of her life in peace.

Tommy opened his mouth, like he wanted to say something, but then he quickly closed it again, looking like a fish on the land. Lost and out of ideas. Jude shook her head, feeling relieved and yet disappointed. It was clear that Tommy was giving up, she could walk away right now, leaving Tommy behind once again, this time hopefully for good. But there was still a part of her that hoped he would fight for her. That he would force her to listen to him, make her forgive him. That he just gave up on her, AGAIN, made her, if possible, even more angry and hurt even more.

_Yeah well, it shouldn't surprise me. Giving up was all he ever did. He never fought for me. All the moments we had, he probably just forgot about them when he proposed to that woman. Poor her though, who knows how long he'll stay with her. If there's one thing you can count on, than it's that Tommy Quincy never falls in love. With no one._

"I think we both have enough of your apologies now, right? I'm sorry Tommy if you came up here more than once and hoped for… something else. But let's face it, you've always been all apologies and at some point a girl just gets sick of it. And it's not like you really care. No matter how SORRY you are, you never stick with one anyways. I bet Portia and Sadie and whoever else was stupid enough to hand her heart to you can sing a song about it as well." Jude said icily while she was walking away, brushing Tommy lightly when she passed him.

"Have a nice life, Tom." She whispered when she entered the elevator, a tear fell from her eyes, rolled over her cheeks before she could brush it off.

* * *

Tommy kicked the railing forcefully when he heard the soft sound of the elevator doors closing. He had messed it up once again. Why hadn't he explained her what had been going on backthen? Right, because he had preferred lying to her, hurting her. And now, he had been too stupid to keep on talking, instead he had told her how sorry he was all over again. He should have known that she wouldn't stick around to listen to his pathetic excuses. After all this wasn't the Jude who used to adore him, this was the Jude who had left Toronto and her old life behind, not calling any of her friends or her family once for years.

He was a stupid pathetic guy, who had once again gave up on the best thing that had ever happened to him. Jude had always been far too good for him, but for some incomprehensible reason she had cared for him, had fallen for him. But he had screwed up once too often. Maybe after all that was just what he was, a screw up.

Still, he couldn't believe that this had been Jude. The Jude who had used to look up at him with such an adoration, with such affection, with such… love. It had always made him feel a little bit like a hero, her hero. He had changed for her, had wanted to be a better man for her. Only that he had never shown it to her. To her of all people. To the one person he really should have shown it.

_Fuck. Fuck... me. _

* * *

Jude was staring out the window, seeing the dawn coming slowly over the city. Though like in many other huge cities like NY it was hard to distinguish between dawn and night, it was the city of lights and it was fighting the night with all it had and the dawn just seemed to go by, kinda unnoticed.

She had just gotten in her hotel room after a very stressful day. All the interviews and going to the set for the first time. Luckily the shootings wouldn't start until next week, which left her six more days. And nights.

Nikki was right now in a room not far away from hers, probably getting ready for hitting a club again. Jude was already ready to go out, but she wasn't sure if she really should go. She had only met Tommy hours ago, not even 24 hours were between this surreal meetup on the Empire State Building and this moment in her apartment.

Surreal really was the appropriate word. This morning Jude had been all smiling again, she had been eating breakfast with Nikki and Nathan, chatting casually, laughing at their jokes. Then she had been at the interview and at the photo shooting afterwards. She had played nice with Ed for the press and had given the impression to be 100% happy.

Only that she wasn't. And although everything had been going so normal all day, she couldn't forget about Tommy. One could only pretend for so long and Jude had always sucked at lying to herself. She wasn't over Tommy, that much was sure. But she wasn't as pathetic and madly in love as she had once been. She might still love him, but she didn't buy his crap any longer.

_Well I guess I should be glad that some part of me finally gave up on him. I mean, he's engaged -or even married- and he has a kid. He left me. Most likely for them. I can't really blame him for that, how could I be angry with him for choosing his FAMILY over me? And if he really loves them, then who am I to stand in the way of that? But still, he remembered. And from what he said, it wasn't the first time he had been up there. Waiting. Waiting... for me. But why?_

Jude sighed, not liking where her thoughts were going once again. She hated that he was still all she could think about, that at least a part of her heart was still broken because of him. Right now she felt more than ever the urge to sing, to release these feelings, the pain, the anger. But she hadn't sung a note ever since her plane had left Toronto back then. No, she had found other ways to deal with her emotions.

One was of course acting, slipping into someone else's role, getting to not be oneself for some time. It was one of the most freeing feelings she knew and she thanked the fate for bringing her to her new profession. Now she had finally the strength she had always wanted, now she could show the world whatever she wanted. She didn't have to show her hurt and fear to the world after she had found out that Ed had been the stalker she had feared for so long. She had been able to pretend she still loved him long enough to find something to force him to give up. And now she was capable of acting like nothing happened.

Jude was even convinced, that if she had known that she would meet Tommy, she would have been able to act totally casual around him, to be indifferent towards him. But oh well, she only had to get through the next weeks without getting sucked back in her old life, then she would be safe again on the other side of the ocean. Then she would be home again.

Suddenly Jude heard a knock on her door. With one last sad and longing glance out the window she turned her back on it and walked to the door, switching on the lights on the way. She enjoyed the darkness while she was alone. It helped her to concentrate on her thoughts and to calm down when everything was just too stressful. But now Nikki was awaiting her and she would have to either go and party with her friend or make up a good excuse why she had to stay in.

But when Jude opened the door it wasn't Nikki who was awaiting her. Jude gasped surprised, shocked at this unexpected turn of events.

"Surprise, surprise." A familiar voice greeted her. "Good to see you again, Jude." Jude just stared at him for another moment before she controlled herself again. Now only her eyes were giving her troubled emotions away. "Yeah. What a surprise." She stated weakly, not yet trusting her voice. She had been so sure to see Nikki, but this wasn't her friend. This was her past that was coming to haunt her again. And all that in less than 24 hours.

_Now that's just my luck again..._

* * *

Any guesses who's surprising Jude here? Well, I was actually going to give it away in the last few lines, but I jsut decided to delete the name of the person, it's more fun this way^^ if you haven't noticed yet, I love cliffys :D

So, review and I'll update faster. Isn't that a good deal? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, here's the promised update. Tomorrow school starts again. *sigh* Anyways, I decided to make out of this few shot a real story^^ As long as people read it, I'll try to give my best, though it's slowly getting difficult to write and update all of my stories... I had never really planned to write one more than 3 or four at once and now... But oh well, as long as you guys keep the reviews coming, I'll do whatever it takes^^

Responses:

kiki dee: Aw, thanks :) Glad you like my ideas^^ And thanks for reviewing, those little feedbacks are what keeps me going. The reason I'm writing fanfiction and don't try to write books anymore. There's nothing better than knowing that people read your stuff and like it too!

shadylady: Yeah, I get the frustration :) And about Jude's feelings for Tommy, I haven't figured out everything yet myself. All in all I kinda have this two storylines and for the next few chapters they still go along, but from then on... And let's just say that Jude wouldn't really be much happier if Tommy told her why he left. ;)

* * *

_**Nobody likes**_

_**Nobody likes to loose their inner voice**_

_**The one I used to hear before my life**_

_**made a choice**_

_**But I think nobody knows (no no)**_

_**Nobody knows**_

(Nobody Knows - Pink)

* * *

**_6. The Thing About Living The Dream_**

But when Jude opened the door it wasn't Nikki who was awaiting her. Jude gasped surprised, shocked at this unexpected turn of events.

"Jude, it's good to see you again." A familiar voice greeted her. Jude just stared at him for another moment before she controlled herself again. Now only her eyes were giving her troubled emotions away. "Darius." She stated softly, not yet trusting her voice. She had been so sure to see Nikki, but this wasn't her friend. This was another part of her past that was coming to haunt her. And all that in less than 24 hours.

_Now that's just my luck again..._

"Won't you ask me in?" Darius asked, still this disgustingly confident grin all over his face. Jude was quickly recovering from her shock and contemplated his question. Would it be clever to invite him in? But what other choice had she? Right, none.

Jude turned her back on Darius and walked into the room, not bothering to verbally invite him in. He should either come or go, that was up to him. She would rather have him leave again right away, but she had known she would have to face her past at some point. It was something she couldn't run away from. She should have expected Darius through, after all she couldn't expect Tommy to just not tell anyone about meeting her. She was pretty sure that everybody had been worried when she had left and never called.

Only that up to now, she had forced these thoughts in the very back of her mind. She had known that she would hurt them with leaving all along and she had felt so guilty when she had arrived in Europe. But thanks to Nikki she had learned to put all that behind her, to accept her decision and all its consequences. She had learned to really be happy. Without anyone that she depended on except for herself.

_Wait. Talking about unexpected... This is one of the most expensive hotels in this damn city. Why didn't anyone warn me before this "guest" comes upstairs?_

Right on cue the phone of the room began to ring. Jude, not standing far away from it, took a step towards it and picked it up while turning around to Darius. He was just closing the door behind him and met her gaze with no surprise. But when he saw Jude frown, he smiled slightly.

"... I'm so sorry. It normally doesn't happy in this hotel, that I can assure you, Miss Johnson. I hope-" The concierge rambled on and on. Basically telling her nothing but that Darius had somehow found his way in. Probably with money, if Jude would have to guess.

"Whatever. Thanks for the call and if I were you, I'd make sure this doesn't happen again. From now on EVERYBODY except Nathan Stiles and Nikki Stewart are going to have to wait until I tell you that they can come up. No more mistakes, please." Jude finished in an annoyed yet somewhat threatening tone. She usually wouldn't be very angry, but currently there were obviously too many people in NYC that she wouldn't want to see without warning or at all. For example Tommy or Darius. Or, now that she was thinking about it, Ed.

"A little bit harsh, don't you think?" Darius asked with a surprised voice. Jude had momentarily forgotten about him at the thought of Ed "visiting" her.

"Well, what would YOU have done, if you had been in my place? I don't want strangers or crazed fans to be able to just knock at my door." Jude said dismissively, She wasn't going to let Darius make her feel bad about being harsh to the concierge, he didn't know anything. Not about her situation, not about her.

"My, what happened to the Jude who insisted on living at home and not getting a bodyguard after some **crazed fan **had been blackmailing you?" Darius smiled at her amused.

"She grew up and met the real life in person." Jude answered shortly. To be true she wasn't really afraid of any of her fans, and she had a feeling like Darius knew that. But she really was afraid of what Ed would do the day the secret she knew about had no more power over him.

"Someone's in quite a good mood today, huh? Next thing you'll tell me you got a bodyguard." Darius chuckled at his own joke and Jude contemplated if she should tell him that indeed she had one. Only that he was on "holidays" until the shooting next week began.

"What do you want, Darius?" Jude finally asked, sounding tired. She looked away from the bold black man now, not able to take the memories any longer which came rushing back. She didn't want to think about Jude Harrison's life anymore, she had done nearly nothing else all day and she was growing tired of it. She knew, if everything went back to normal again and certain people stopped showing up, then she'd be able to put it behind her once again. But that all depended on how convincing she was now.

"Well, Miss Johnson." Darius stressed her "fake" name and paused shortly before he continued. Jude nearly scoffed, as if she hadn't expected him to know about her new identity when he was showing up at her hotel room. Was this suppossed to intimitate her or something? "I was actually curious. Are you happy with your choice now? Or did you not come back because you were simply too afraid?"

"Yeah, right. And what should I have been afraid of? I wasn't afraid of anything in Toronto, D. Not back then when I left, not now." Jude retorted, skillfully, like a true star, was she avoiding not only the main question but the whole "Tommy-matter" too. Because Tommy hadn't been in Toronto when she had left and nowadays, she might still feel something for Tom Quincy, but fear wasn't one of these feelings. How could she ever be scared of Tommy? Maybe of trusting him again, but of him himself? She would have no problem to tell Darius that she was indeed happy with her choice, but his assumption that she wasn't was annoying her. She hated people who just judged smugly, not knowing anything but knowing everything better.

"Oh, so I guess you're over Tommy then, right?" Darius asked, but he didn't wait for an answer. He probably expected that he wouldn't get one. "But you haven't answered my other question. Are you happy?" Jude looked now at him again, answering his intense look with her incredulous one.

_But seriously, what answer does he expect? That I have a breakdown and start crying? That I would actually TELL HIM if I wasn't? Hell, I thought he knows what I do for a living!_

"Of course I am happy. I'm living the dream. I'm finally not depending on some stupid guy, I'm happy on my own." Jude replied confidently. When she continued her voice was softer, but still serious and decisive. "And about Tommy. I won't deny that seeing him again did wake some old feelings. But that's not the point. I can live without him now, and I'm not missing him anymore." Jude stopped, searching for words to describe her feelings and the change that had happened. "My WORLD doesn't revolve around him anymore. So, if I'm over him, I don't know. I still care about him, that's true. But I won't let him or any of you back in. I'm happy with where I am now. I won't risk this life for some old, MAYBE-now-returned, MAYBE-still love. Besides, Tommy isn't mine to love anymore." Jude stopped talking and took a deep breath, only now noticing how much she needed new oxygen. She watched Darius closely, already half regretting being so honest. She didn't know herself why she had told him the truth. It would have been so easy to lie, to just say she was over him.

But then again, maybe Darius would have just took that as a denial. Maybe this way he was understanding her point of view and that she wasn't going to give in. She really hoped he would believe and understand her, but she also knew that she would make it through the next weeks, no matter what Darius believed. Because in a few weeks she would leave New York again and then she could leave Toronto behind her once again. Apropos Toronto...

"What are you all doing in New York anyways? Isn't G-Major in Toronto?" Jude asked with a frown. Suddenly wishing she hadn't ignored any news about the Canadian music scene.

"Sure, G-Major is still in Toronto. But since Tommy moved here, I opened up a new studio of G-Major here. He's our best artist after all." Darius told Jude, somewhat surprised that she didn't know.

"Oh." Jude said quietly, somehow she had managed to forget that Tommy was singing again after all. He was now doing the thing he had always loved so much and Jude couldn't help but be happy for him. She had always wished for him that he'd go solo finally.

"Anyways Jude, as you probably already guessed, I'm not only here because of my curiosity. I wanted to ask you, if you wanted to sing again. When Tom told me you were in the city I did a little bit of research and found not only your new name and profession, but also that from what people know, you haven't sung in public since you left. I actually came here to convince you to sign another contract, but I understand now that you won't agree to that. Nevertheless, I have another idea. What do you think about a concert? A single come-back concert, just one night. I know you miss singing, every true musician does. And think about your fans. I don't know how much you've heard in Europe, but your album has gone triple platinum and people have been missing you. I think a few of your songs were even in Europe in the charts!"

Jude smiled at Darius' cheerful and proud voice and she was happy that people liked her music, but still... She wasn't sure if singing was such a good idea. It had been so important back then and it had always been connected with Tommy, somehow. She really didn't want to get sucked back in this stupid "thing" they once had all over again.

"I don't know D." Jude said slowly, feeling somewhat cornered. In the last few minutes she had gotten so many new information, she hadn't dealt with everything yet. And all the emotions that had been stirred. No, right now she wasn't able to think straight. She couldn't even get over the fact that somehow she had not REALLY realized through all the years that Tommy had started his solo career again.

She didn't know exactly why this thought was disturbing her so much, but she found that it somewhat hurt her. She was disappointed that she couldn't be there in the studio with him, that she couldn't help him with his songs like he had helped her with hers. Somehow she had always expected them to work together on his first solo-album.

_And how come that I didn't think of this sooner? I mean he sang a song on TV, so I should have guessed that he started his solo career again, shouldn't I? Well, I guess I was too wrapped up in my own life. But still... it's weird._

"I gotta think about this D. Though if I were you, I wouldn't expect too much. I'm not sure if singing again is a good idea for me." Jude replied quietly. Not looking Darius directly in the eye.

Suddenly someone knocked at her door again. Before Darius or Jude were able to open it, Nikki came in. After all the door wasn't really locked or anything. She wore a mini-skirt and looked damn hot, like usually. Which reminded Jude not only of their plans for tonight, but of what she was wearing herself. Right on cue, Nikki let out a scream.

"Jude, you look awesome! Is this the designer stuff you talked about? Hell, I wish they would make unique dresses like that for me too! But somehow you're always the one with the good connections, now aren't you? Girl, you look smoking hot! Tonight there's gonna be no man in this damn city who would dare to say no to you!"

Jude laughed at Nikki's excitement and felt how contagious it was. "Yeah, you look alright yourself!" Jude joked and laughed even harder at Nikki's played hurt expression.

"You're a true friend, you know that?" Jude asked and hugged her friend who had started pouting. Both girls smiled warmly at each other before Nikki was back to her old excited and spirited self. "Ok, then let's go, you tease. You said it yourself, you need some action tonight. It's been since forever that you let some guy near you, and after last night I'm glad that-" Nikki started but was cut off by Jude.  
"Yeah, Nikki, I know. Why don't you wait in the limo while I say goodbye to my GUEST here?" Jude asked, causing Nikki to turn around and notice Darius for the first time.

"Oh, hi. Sorry, didn't see you. I'm Nikki." The black-gone-blonde said with a broad smile after she had shot Jude a "I'm sorry"-look. Nikki didn't exactly know who this guy was and she knew that Jude didn't like people knowing about her private stuff. "I'm, uhm, gonna go."

After Nikki had left the room Jude looked more relaxed, but she was still cautious around Darius. The tall black man was only starring at her, obviously trying to piece something together. Jude felt uncomfortable being starred at like that, plus she wasn't very eager to wait until Darius had figured out whatever he was thinking about. She was tired of talking about her past.

"Well D, it was good to see you, really. I gotta go now through." Jude said walking towards the still opened door. There she leaned against the frame, waiting for Darius to follow her. "I'm sorry, but I got plans as you must have picked up." She chuckled shortly, thinking about Nikki's temper and her little performance a few minutes ago. So typical Nikki.

Darius walked out the door but stopped. "It was good seeing you again too Jude. I'm glad you're happy now. I really was worried about you back then. But about the-"

"I'll get back to you when I've decided, alright? It won't take me very long, just one or two day, to sleep and think over the whole thing. Say hello to Sadie and SME and Mason, oh and to Jamie of course and to Patsy. Tell them that I missed them."

"Will do, Rockstar." Darius smiled at her when she cringed at her old nickname. She wasn't a Rockstar anymore. A star, yeah, but minus the "Rock". "Take care of yourself."

"Don't worry about me, D. I'm fine." Jude laughed and smiled back. Darius was about to turn around and go when Jude spoke up again. "And... Tell him that I'm happy for him."

Darius regarded her with one last surprised and questioning look, nodded curtly before he turned around and began to walk away. Jude closed her eyes while she leaned back heavily against the door frame. But then Darius' voice reached her ears again and her eyes shot open.

"I know that you're living the dream. I just hope that you're sure it's the right dream for you, Jude." With that he stepped into the elevator and moments later the doors of it had closed.

"Yeah, I hope so too." She said before she took a deep breath, closed the door of her room and locked it. Then she walked over to the elevator herself, ready to party all night long, as they say.

* * *

So, that was it for now. Hope you liked it. If you want to read more, review. I mean over 80 people read the last chap, but only two reviewed...


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys, I'm back with yet another update and all that in less that two weeks *proud* I got two questions for you after you have read the chapter, so please answer! Anyways, I hope you like this chappy ;) I kinda feel like I have maybe over done it at times, but please bear with me, even some litttle details are important for the story.

Responses:

**shadylady21**: I'm glad you're wondering about Ed, cause I'm planning on keeping to throw little pieces of information in the chapter until I'll finally paint out the whole chapter :D But you'll get to know a little bit more about Ed in this one, hell he'll even appear!^^

**instantstar69**: Glad you checked out my story and liked it. This is together with Stolen Glances my fav fic to write on since they are both something different you know, and I don't feel like I'm writing just yet another jommy - though they are amazing enough ;) Thanks, I hope I haven't overdone Jude's feelings and thoughts in the beginning of this chapter, kinda had a hard time writing it since I wanted to get to the more exciting part :D But you'll see that when you read this chapter :)

**tabbzjommy**: Good to know you like it though :) Got me kinda curious, what things should she have done different?

**ThunderChild94**: Yeah, he's creeping me out too^^ and that although I haven't everything all planned out about him yet :D Hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for the review!

**THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS; FOR ADDING THIS TO YOUR STORY ALERT AND TO YOUR FAVORITE STORIES, AND JUST THANKS FOR READING IT ;)**

Read and enjoy and **REVIEW**!

* * *

_**I can't stand to fly **_

_**I'm not that naive **_

_**I'm just out to find **_

_**The better part of me **_

_**I'm more than a bird…I'm more than a plane **_

_**More than some pretty face beside a train **_

_**It's not easy to be me**_

(It's not easy (to be me) – Five For Fighting)

* * *

_**7. There's Something You Don't Know (About Me)**_

Jude laid in her bed, she had just woken up and hadn't even looked at her clock. Not that she needed to, from the sunlight that was creeping through the shutters, she already knew that it was late. She guessed that it was between 10 a.m. and 12 a.m. Luckily she didn't have to worry about oversleeping, today there was nothing that she had to do expect the meeting for lunch with Nathan and -ugh- Ed. But that was only scheduled for 3 p.m.

Jude tried to sit up, only to fall back down into the sheets a few moments later, a hand rushing up to her head as she groaned. She really did hate being hung over in the morning and the headaches that came along with it. Though it wasn't enough to stop her from drinking at night, these headaches usually caused her to vow to not go to a club the next night… A promise she rarely kept.

But not only did the pain in her head remind her of the last night, but also of that lovely conversation she had had with her former boss and manager. And of the concert that she was supposed to do. Jude groaned again alone at the thought of the whole issue. Damn, she had really thought that she would never have to worry about Jude Harrison anymore only a few weeks ago. Why did fate just have to keep proving her wrong?

_D.'s right about one thing, I kinda really owe it to my fans. They bought my music about a million times and got me into the charts and I can only imagine the loads of fan mail G-Major has gotten after my little escape. But then again, I gotta think of myself first this time, I can't risk letting Tommy or anyone I once loved back in again. I like where I am now, I didn't lie to Darius about that, and singing is most likely the best way to get me straight back to hell. _

Jude sighed torn and forced herself to leave the bed, head into the "living room" of the suite and grab her purse, searching desperately for some aspirin. She just didn't have it in her to think about anything any longer with her head feeling like it was constantly kicked against some stony thing.

_Between a rock and a hard place, indeed. The rock would be this imaginary wall that my head is kicked against right now and the hard place would be these stupid tempting dangerous thoughts of this damn concert of doom!_

After she had taken two pills, she walked over to the bathroom, taking a long and relaxing shower. At least it would have been very relaxing, if she had been able to stop thinking about that stupid concert. Suddenly Jude felt the urge to sing, to just try it out here in the shower where no one could hear her or judge her or whatever. The soft sounds left her mouths and filled the room, only barely louder than the running water in the beginning. She started out tentatively, but grew more confident after the first words.

_**I forgot what this is all about  
Lost surrounded by a storm of doubt  
I, I make it so hard  
it's hard enough to keep it up  
And I can't give in  
To what they want  
And I'm not gonna**_

Jude took a deep breath, needing a moment to catch her breath, take in the new sensation of singing again after all these years, this "I'm alive"-feeling and to remember the chorus and the melody to go with it.

_**I wanna live like music  
I wanna live like music  
Songs about justice  
Songs about love  
Songs about freedom  
And never giving up  
I wanna live like music**_

Jude stopped singing and leaned back against the cold marble wall, ignoring the cold while the hot water was still falling onto her. This had been the first song she had written after she had left Toronto that hadn't been about Tommy. Because or the first months that she had been Jude Johnson, she would become Jude Harrison every night in her bed. She'd cry or write sad songs, or watch stupid, sappy romance movies. Or eat tons of ice cream. And she'd never stop thinking about what she had left behind.

That was until Nikki had helped her to get over it, to get over Tommy after she heard that he was engaged. She had told Nikki the basics about her and Tommy, without mentioning names or music or anything really important about her old life. And after the first 48 hours that she had spent without thinking once about Tommy or her old life, she had put away her journals. Had locked them up in a closet in her apartment in Paris. And since then she hadn't written a song or scribbled down some lyrics in between or even just hummed a new melody ever. It was like overnight, she had let go of it and started over. She had learned to express her feeling and relieve stress and anger in doing other sings, like dancing and even different kinds of sports. She had tried a few things and settled for dancing. She had loved it and tried out every course she could get wherever her work was leading her.

Nowadays, whenever she was stressed or angry or whatever, she would let Nikki go to the clubs alone for a night and sneak into some dance clubs or whatever and compete with the local dancers. She loved battling and was good enough to dance to all kinds of music.

Anyways, right now Jude was thinking about that extra suitcase that was stuffed in a closet in her bedroom in this very suite, which contained all the journals and pieces of paper whose she had filled with lyrics and chords. Because a few days before she had gone on the plane to New York, she had opened the closet in her apartment back in Paris and everything in the smallest suitcase she owned. She hadn't known why or where that impulse had come from, but now here she was, able to not only give a concert but also sing entirely new songs. Though no one knew about that last part.

Before Jude could brood over her situation and the feelings that singing that song had stirred up again, she heard soft music coming through the doors of the shower. She immediately recognized it as the personal ring tone she had set for Nathan's calls. But why would he be calling her when they had lunch together in a couple of hours?

Suddenly a scary thought came to Jude and she quickly turned off the water and escaped the shower still dripping wet, she didn't even bother to reach for a towel, opened the bathroom door and went for her cell instead. Yep, it was Nathan calling and when she took a closer look at the display she knew exactly why.

"Nate, hey, I'm sorry. I know I'm late, I just forgot the check the time." Jude answered the phone and spoke quickly, for one not believing that she forgot to take a look at the clock after she had gotten out of bed and another thing: she only now realized that she was standing in the middle of her room completely naked and there were no curtains or whatsoever in front of the windows.

"Yeah, I already guessed that. Could you just please get here soon? Your ex isn't exactly thrilled with you being tardy either. Especially since there are lots of teenagers here who are screaming in front of the café and though they can't get in, it's kinda hurting our ears." Nathan reported somewhat annoyed. Jude smiled though she knew she shouldn't. By now she had a towel wrapped around herself and was examining her closet, contemplating over what would be the best outfit to go with.

"Poor Nathan. But from what you're picturing, I see no reason why I should come and try to get through the mass just to rescue my ex of all people. Actually now I think about it, I realize that angering him is everything I want right now." Jude teased smirking, knowing that it would annoy Nathan even more. She took a black and a skirt and purple-black-white-squared skirt and a couple of tops out of the closet and threw them on her bed as possible choices for today's outfit.

"Jude, get your lovely ass over here ASAP, because if you don't you'll have to scratch one name of your best-friends list. And I tell you, just like it's great to have the producer as your best friend, it's hell to have him seeking for revenge." Nathan growled threateningly in the phone. Jude chuckled, knowing that Nathan would never really get angry with her, but decided to not test her boundaries just now. After all they hadn't even began filming.

"Alright, producer boy, you're the man. I'll be there in half an hour… hopefully. See you then, bye!" Jude said sweetly and hung up. "Yay, that's it!" She exclaimed while she tossed her cell on the bed and picked the pieces of clothing she had decided for a few seconds ago.

* * *

45 minutes later Jude Harrison entered the café where Nathan and Ed were already waiting. When she sat down at the only not empty table in the establishment, she took off her sunglasses and smiled broadly at Nathan and Ed. But when she spoke, she only addressed one of them.

"Hey you, I'm sorry I kept you waiting, Nathan. But I had a long night and well, you know how it goes." Jude apologized sincerely to her friend, completely ignoring the man who used to be her fiancé. She had to smile at him and make it look like she was talking to him too for the press who was right outside just like the fans, but she wouldn't be nice just because she was supposed to. She COULDN'T be nice to him, she just hadn't had it in her.

"I forgive you, darling. You look stunning by the way." Ed commented with a mocking tone while he threw her an innocent smile.

_...and he obviously is out for a fight. He really had it coming already yesterday during the interviews. Enough is enough._

"Nobody was talking to you, bastard." Jude retorted through clenched teeth while she kept her eyes firmly on Nathan.

"Jude, please, no fights in front of the press, ok?" Nathan asked. Jude nodded curtly fighting to keep the anger out of her features. She hated that Ed was one of the few persons that could make her loose her calm, she usually was able to act however she wanted to around anyone. But everytime she saw or heard Ed, her old temper was rising again.

_God, I don't wanna know how it's gonna be at the set. A couple? Seriously? Someone's up there's gotta hate me!_

Nathan looked expectantly at Ed, who just shrugged. "Ok then. Now that you finally joined us Jude, I'd like to discuss the movie with you two-"

"No, you don't. I know that Ed has asked you to call in this meeting, so why don't we just get to the point and get this stupid lunch thing over with?" Jude asked annoyed while she pretended to look over the menu.

Before Ed could say anything, the waitress came over to them and asked for their orders. The three ordered quickly, then Ed excused himself and headed for the bathroom. Jude sighed audibly in relief and now turned her attention fully on Nathan and smiled at him genuinely for the first time.

"Sorry about that, but I just can't believe his nerves. If it wasn't for you, I would never have agreed on this movie in the first place." Jude said sounding already frustrated.

"I know, and I'm thankful for your support here. I really want you to be in my first movie." Nathan smiled back before he continued. "But please at least try to be civil. I know that's much to ask, but I really need this movie to be successful and that won't happen if people know that you two can't stand each other. And maybe he really just wants to get along with you again."

"Please, not even he is so delusional to think that I would ever "get along" with him again, not to mention believe him that that's really all he wants!" Jude exclaimed angrily. Nathan threw her another pleading look and Jude gave in. She was doing this for her best friend after all, he was worth it.

"I know, I know. I'll try for you, alright?"

"Alright. Now I guess you won't tell me what exactly Ed did to make you so angry at him and that causes Nikki to always get that "I'll kill you" look in her eyes every time she see him or his name comes up?" Nathan asked with a half smile, knowing that Jude wouldn't tell him. And although he tried to hide it, Jude saw the hurt in his eyes about the fact that she kept such a big secret from him.

"I'm sorry Nate, but I can't tell you. I shouldn't have told Nikki, but I just couldn't help myself." Jude answered, the torment and sadness obvious in her voice. She didn't want to keep secrets from Nathan, but she knew that if she told him, he'd try to kill Ed. Literally. And she couldn't let Nathan mess up his life over her.

Nathan sighed but accepted Jude's answer, just like he always did when they talked about Ed. He could tell that she had her reasons and also it hurt him, he wanted her to tell him because SHE wanted to, not because he talked her into doing so.

"Ok. You look amazing today, by the way. The blonde hair really suits you, I don't know why you're so against it." He changed the subject, hoping he would get to talk just a little bit like they usually did before Ed got back. He and Jude were really close and there was hardly a thing about him that she didn't know and except for this thing about Ed, he knew all of her secrets too. At least he thought so. They hadn't really talked in weeks so, due to him being really busy with organizing everything for the movie and the shootings and her being still in Europe packing up her things and giving interviews.

Jude really looked good today, she wore a black top over a red one with a light white summer jacket and a tight black jeans with a pair of white high heels. The clothes hugged her body in all the right places and together with her now short and blonde hair and the amazing blue eyes, she looked like every guys dream. It was sure that tomorrow the tabloid would praise her style and how she looked stunning even in such simple clothing. Especially after she had been in various clubs all night long until five in the morning…

"It's a long story, maybe I'll tell you later, that is if you have some spare time for your best friend?" Jude asked smirking at her friend with this usual playful trademark smirk of hers that Nathan had come to love.

"I have always time for you, girl." He said, using the name he always used when they were alone or around their friends. In the very beginning, he had just accidentally called her like that and he still remembered how she had snapped at him for like no reason. It had been one of the first true emotions he had gotten out of her and he had somehow continued to call her girl, in the beginning to tease her and nowadays it was just their "thing" so to say.

"Aww, if that wasn't sappy, then what is? I never believed the tabloids that you two had something going, but now I'm not so sure. Were you screwing around the whole time I went out with Jude?" Ed asked from behind and Nathan watched angrily how Jude's smiled faded and became a very very forced one.

"Wouldn't you know that best? You knew nearly ANYTHING about me back then, didn't you?" Jude suddenly asked venomously with a daring undertone, just when Nathan had been about to tell Ed that there was nothing going on between him and Jude. He now looked surprised first at Jude, then at Ed, who were both starring at each other and Nathan felt like he was missing something important.

"What am I missing here?" He asked, not sure to whom he should direct it. Neither of the two reacted or broke their locked gazes as he spoke and he was just getting really frustrated when the waitress showed up again and brought them their sandwiches.

"Nothing, just some old stories. We used to go out for over a year and were engaged as you might remember. Lots of happy memories." Ed commented when he turned his attention to the sandwich in front of him with a evil smirk. And although Nathan couldn't figure out for the life of his what was going on, he had a feeling like he had just missed another important retort. Jude just hissed something that sounded like "happy memories. Yeah, right" and confirmed Nathan's suspicions.

He sighed, seeing both actors who had the leading parts in his first movie eating their sandwiches, knowing that he wouldn't get anything out of both for now.

Half an hour later Ed had left the café and Nathan and a fuming Jude were finally left alone. She and Ed had been picking on each other the whole time, mostly with subtle insults from which Nathan had only understood 50%. He hated being out of the loop, especially when Jude was so obviously hurt and upset about whatever it was that had happened and had caused those two to break up. Plus he still didn't understand why the hell Ed had wanted this meeting. Because the stuff about getting to talk to Jude and clear the air before the shootings was obviously bullshit.

"Jude, what the hell happened back then? I just felt like a idiot who looked a movie in Japanese and missed half of the plot because there were no subtitles!" Nathan pleaded impatiently, hoping that Jude would finally tell him what was going on. But all she did was shooting him an apologizing glance.

"Look, I wanted to talk to you about something. I really need your advice in this matter. Please." Jude said after a few moments of silence. Asking silently for Nathan to stop being angry and to move on from the subject of her and Ed.

"Alright. Shoot, what's wrong, girl?" Nathan asked after a moment with a small smile, showing that he was there for her, no matter what.

"Thanks." Jude whispered quietly and leaned over the small table to kiss him on the cheek. She didn't mean it just for letting the topic about Ed go, but for everything Nathan had done for her up to now. Then she settled back down in her chair and began to unconsciously play with one of her short strands of hair, something she always did when she was nervous. Which only made Nathan more curious about what she was going to say, because Jude was rarely nervous.

"There's something about my past that you don't know. Nikki only knows parts of it but it's nothing next to what I'll tell you now. Ok, so here it is. I'm not Jude Johnson. Well, it's the name on my passport, but until three years ago I was Jude Harrison, Canada's first ever Instant Star…" Jude looked up into Nathan's eyes and watched helplessly how they widened while she continued her story. She just hoped he wouldn't hate her for lying to him for so long. For keeping a whole life of hers from him. After everything he had shared with her about his past.

* * *

Ok, yeah, so basically this chapter would have been twice as long if I had written everything I had planned for it. But then I felt like I'd take away parts of the next, so I ended it here. Two questions for YOU now.

1. Do you want to hear Jude's story and how she tells Nate everything?

2. Do you want to know more about Jude Johnson? I mean I'm pretty sure all of you are intrested in Ed, but what about the rest, do you want some more flashbacks about her "normal" past and how she became who she is?

Tell me! The next chapter is going to have Tommy in it. I'm not sure if I'll maybe even add a part in his POV, but he's gonna be in it for sure ;) Let's just say that Jude's being cornered and an unknowing Nikki teams up with Tommy and brings Jude in a situation where she has to face him.

;) KATHY


	8. Chapter 8

Ok here goes the next chapter. I've been ill the last todays and I wrote like crazy. WEll, I'm trying to update all of my stories, or at least most of them until my birthday, which is this week and so here I am with the next update. I have even finished about the half of the next chapter. Hope you like it ;)

Responses:

**Aww, guys, 6 reviews for the last chapter? That's the best an IS story of mine did so far, if I remember that correctly! Keep that up and I promise more chapters soon!! :)**

**I won't do personal responses for this chapter, since I think I can cover it all with one general message ;) Thanks for the reviews and you don't know just how happy I am that you love my story. It's what keeps me going and what makes me smile whenever I think about it. **

**I was honestly surprised about the many responses and how many of you are interested in the conversation between Jude and Nathan. It turned out that I kinda had problems writing it, which is why the next chapter's only half finished, but I think I'll get over that soon enough^^ So this chapter is all about Tommy. And you'll learn my version of why Tommy left Jude on that date. Everything else I promised you for this chapter will of course be in the next^^**

**Ok, enough said. Just enjoy reading now :)

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**

**8. She told me  
**

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**_"Kinda lose your sense of time  
'cause that days they matter no more  
all the feelings that you hide  
gonna tear you up inside  
you hope she knows you tried"_**

**_(Unforgivable Sinner - Lene Marlin)  
_**

* * *

Tommy's POV

Tommy groaned, reached clumsily for his cell for the what seemed like the millionth time this day. He was still in bed and frankly gave a damn that it was already 2 p.m. Why should he bother getting up today at all? He would rather stay in his bed forever and not face reality for the rest of his life. He saw no point in living a life without Jude, without the only person he truly cared about.

When he had finally got a grip of his cell he pressed the ignore button without even opening his eyes once. He was pretty sure that it was Kwest calling him, wondering where he was. But Tommy didn't really care who was calling him. It could be Darius for what he knew. Or Jenny. Or god in person. The only person that he wanted to talk to would never call anyways, so why talk to anybody else?

At the thought that Jenny might be calling he felt for a moment something like guilt. What if something had happened to her or to Hannah? He was supposed to be there for the two woman, for his wife and his child. But once again he only proofed how messed up he really was, he wasn't answering the phone because he just didn't care enough about anyone else aside from him and Jude.

No, he was selfish and wasn't capable of being more than a screw-up. Jude had brought it to the point, "all apologies" was all he ever was and it was what he would always be. If Jude didn't believe in him anymore, then who should? She was the one who had forgiven him again and again and again. Even when he had made her promise their first kiss had never happened. Even when he had went out with her sister. When he had led her on so many times.

But he had managed to mess up this thing to, he had managed to make her fall out of love with him. It was his fault that she wasn't at home in Toronto with her friends and family anymore, it was his fault that she had had to grow up so fast because of all the heartbreaks she had had to endure. There was no one else to blame but him for the end of her musical career. And he couldn't fix it.

_If only I hadn't left her there standing on the street. If only I hadn't been too wrapped up in my own problems to take a second and explain things to her. "I had my reasons. She'll wait for me and I can explain everything to her when I'm back." Stupid Tom, stupid stupid Tom. _

But Tommy knew he couldn't undo what he had done. And he knew that he had had to leave and that if he had told Jude everything, she would have followed him and he couldn't have that. It would have been dangerous for her, being with him would have been endangering her. Even if this way he would be heartbroken for the rest of his life, as long as she was safe it was for the better. Even if she had moved on, even if she was happy without him and the thought nearly killed him.

Tommy's thoughts went back to that night once again. Not a day had gone by when he hadn't thought about that night. His uncle had come up to him, telling him that he was needed back home. That Tristan had gone crazy and that he was worried about Jenny because Tristan knew. Tommy had been shocked. How could his brother know?

Tommy had taken off immediately, scheduled a flight back to Montana and he had nearly forgotten about the date with Jude completely. He had then stopped by the restaurant, hating himself while he spoke the words that had crushed her, but he hadn't known better back then.

All he had been thinking of was the brunette who had comforted him when Angie had died. The woman who had rightfully belonged to his brother. But that night he had been so blinded by his own grief and guilt that he had seduced the innocent and self-respecting woman, who hadn't known what was happening before it was too late. He had been such a charmer back then, no woman had been able to resist him and his blue eyes. They hadn't told anyone about it, had acted like nothing had happened the next morning and she had gone back to his little brother. To the man she truly loved.

But something had happened, something so wrong that neither Tommy nor Jenny had ever been able to truly forget about it. Nine months later Jenny had gotten a child, Tommy's child. Only that they pretended for everyone's sake that Tristan was the father. They hadn't intended to hurt anyone. Quite the opposite, they had tried to protect Tristan and his relationship with Jenny. Because she truly did love him and this one night hadn't meant anything to neither Tommy nor Jenny.

Both of them had lied to themselves all those years, knowing that if Tristan would ever find out he'd be out of control for sure. He had always been jealous of his big brother and had even tried to kill Tommy once. If it hadn't been for Jenny he would have gone through with it. Tommy had never hold it against him though, he loved Tristan and knew that all the hate his little brother had for him was caused by their parents. After Tommy had broken with his family, they had gotten even worse then before and Tristan had had to endure all their anger about Tommy's decision. And Tommy hadn't cared enough to ever wonder what had happened to his brother all the time he had been touring with BoyzAttack. He had even told the interviewers that he didn't have any brothers or sisters.

Until Tristan had set Tommy's hotelroom on fire once, Tommy had never known about the problems his little brother had had and that he was blaming him, Tommy, for most of them. But when he had only barely escaped the flames he had talked to his brother, who had been in a cell at the police department. He had faced all the hate from Tristan and all the tears of his brother's girlfriend Jenny. He had known that it all was his fault and hadn't sued Tristan. He had let him and his girlfriend walk away, hoping that she would help his little brother heal since he couldn't do that anymore.

As expected, Tristan had gone mad when he heard that his child, the daughter he had raised and loved was actually Tommy's kid, his brother's. That his wife had slept with his brother of all people. That his brother had once again made him lose his family.

When Tommy had arrived in Montana, he had gotten to Jenny's flat just in time to stop Tristan from beating her to death. The two brothers had fought and though Tristan had had a knife, Tommy had still won over him. But he hadn't used his advantage. The minute he had gotten the knife from Tristan and had his little brother on the earth in front of him, he had turned his back on Tristan and had ran over to Jenny and her daughter, Hannah. Tristan, who had felt like once again his brother was getting what HE had wanted and what HE had deserved, had yelled at Jenny that she would regret this and that he would make her life and Hannah's hell. He had vowed to make the life of everyone that Tommy loved hell. Then he had stormed off, once again ignored by Tommy, who had only cared about getting help for his bleeding sister-in-law.

Luckily this time Jenny pressed charges, though it had taken Tommy quite some persuading to get her to sue the man she loved. But she did it in the end for her daughter, knowing that Tristan wasn't joking with his threats on Hannahs's life. So Tristan had ended up behind bars, but that hadn't stopped him from pulling one last ace off his sleeve, one last attempt to get his revenge. He hired a lawyer from the rest of his money and made him look through Jenny's immigrant-documents. And a few weeks later the police had showed up on her door step, telling her that she had no permission to live in the States. Her marriage with Tristan had been annulled by her ex-husband and this way she was nothing but an illegal immigrant. Technically she might have been able to get the permission in a trial, but she had no money for a lawyer.

So she had called Tommy, he had been back in Toronto for two months back then and had been struggling with his life without Jude, she had asked him for help. And before both knew what was happening, they were standing in front of civil registry office and were getting married. During the last years Jenny had become one of his best friends, one of the few persons he didn't push away. She was living with Hannah in his apartment in New York and he had finally talked her into going to the studio with him everyday, since she really had a ear for music and would be a great producer once he had taught her how everything worked. She had helped him out on his music several times and wasn't that bad of a songwriter either.

He was glad that she had finally given in, because Tommy had always felt guilty for messing up her life. If it hadn't been for him she would still be happy with Tristan. Hell if it wasn't for him Tristan would still be a free and decent man. Although Jenny and Kwest and even Darius had told him over and over again that it wasn't his fault, he had never believed them. The only reason he had kept on going was because he hadn't given up hope on Jude. Just like he had been sure that she would never give up on him.

Suddenly Tommy's depressive and full-with-self-pity thoughts were interrupted by loud noises from his front door. It sounded like someone was simultaneously kicking against his wooden door while banging against it with both hands. After a few minutes Tommy sighed and accepted the fact that whoever was disturbing him wouldn't go away, so he got up and stumbled through his rooms, not bothering to switch on the lights or open the shutters.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you idiot?" Kwest greeted him when he opened the door.

"Kwest." He stated emotionless when he looked at his best friend. Then his eyes wandered to the other person that was standing in front of his door, looking totally not amused. "Darius?"

"That's right, I'm your boss and I thought we had established years ago that you call when you're getting in these moods to shut out the world. Jenny has been worrying herself sick over you. I told her she shouldn't, but she did anyways. You could have at least called her; she isn't used to the shit you always pull when you mess up!" Darius told him angrily while walking into the cheap hotel room Tommy had booked after his little encounter with Jude. So much to hiding from reality, his excape had lasted not even two full days. Kwest walked in right behind Darius shooting Tommy a half sympathizing, half upset look. Tommy closed the door behind them and joined them in the middle of his room.

"How did you find me?" Tommy asked sounding annoyed. Why was it so hard for everyone to see that he didn't want to talk to anybody. Why didn't anyone get the hint nowadays that people who didn't answer their phone did that for a reason. "Or wait, I don't really care. Just say what you have to say and then leave me alone, would you?"

"I know about your little meeting with Jude, Tommy." Darius stated after a few moments of silence. Tommy's head shot up, his eyes searching the ones of the black man. He was surprised to say the least, he had expected questions about why he was acting this way again and from Darius he had expected nothing less than at least a dozen comments about him being useless and a screw up. Usually Darius didn't hold back on showing his dislike for Tom Quincy. The only times the hip hop mogul had been borderline friendly had been when Tommy had totally crashed after he had realized that he wouldn't find Jude and when he had gotten back from Montana and had acted like a depressive empty shell of his old self. Just like back then he now looked like the mess he truly was, though back then it had been worse since he hadn't had taken care of his appearances for days and even weeks.

"What? Jude's in town and you've seen her?" Kwest asked flabbergasted. He had obviously not known anything. But Tommy ignored his best friend and concentrated fully on Darius. How the hell did he know?

"I talked to her yesterday evening. I payed her a visit in her hotelroom." Darius answered Tommy's unspoken question.

"How did you know where to find her?" Tommy asked, still too shocked to think everything through. Which was a good thing, because if he had he might have gotten upset and assumed that Darius had known where Jude was all along.

"I happened to see a photo of her at a friends' office. He was telling me her current name and that she was working at one of his most promising projects. I did some research and dropped by the Plaza afterwards." Darius sighed and sat down on one of the two chairs in the little room. He knew he was now going to have some explaining to do. "I talked to her a little and she mentioned that she had met you, though she assumed that I already knew about that. I tried to talk her into starting to sing again and offered her to do a onetime comeback-concert. She's now reconsidering it." Darius let the words sink in for a few moments before he looked intently at Tommy and spoke up again.

"Tommy, what exactly did happen and how did you two meet? I'm gonna be honest with you, she's happy with her life right now and with things being the way they are I don't think we have a chance to get our Jude back if she refuses to do the concert. She has totally shut out everything concerning her old life. She now goes by the name Jude Johnson and is a quite famous actress in Europe, Asia and even in the States. She's here for a movie in which she got the female lead. And she has not only rearranged her life, she has changed too. For the last three years she had had black hair, probably to minimize the risk of being recognized, and believe me, she has done a damn good job. If she hadn't dyed her hair blonde again, apparently for this movie, we most likely wouldn't have noticed her, though she's in the same city. Talking about looks, she dresses nothing like she used to either, she now wears expensive designer clothes and stuff like that and looks like a model. And she's learned well how to handle herself, seems like she has gotten over the temper she once used to have. This Jude is more mature and more closed off for the world then you can even imagine, guys. She's now a true star, she's a pro now no matter what profession she chooses in the end and she knows it. She's truly made her way, just like she predicted."

Tommy only starred at Darius mutely after he had finished. He let everything sunk in, every little piece of information about **his **Jude. With every passing minute he realized more how clever Jude had been and how good she had done at hiding herself. He also realized that he had probably lost every chance he ever had to get Jude back, because his Jude wasn't there anymore and Jude Johnson wouldn't let him anywhere near her heart for sure. He had lost Jude, for good. And he didn't know how to handle that thought.

"Tommy?! What happened between you and Jude the night before yesterday?" Darius asked again when Tommy didn't react to his words. He knew that if he wanted to get Jude back and make her realize that she was a true musician he needed to know everything he could about how Jude really felt. Because Jude would probably fight him and everybody else every step of the way.

"She… she came to the Empire State Building. At 2 a.m. Just like she had said and I have been waiting up there. Hoping against reasoning that some night she'd show up. And there she suddenly was. Looking stunning as always, her blonde hair cut short but it suited her so well." Tommy trailed off.

"What do you mean "like she said"?" Kwest interrupted, still looking pretty shocked at everything that he was hearing.

"She once said that she wanted to be on top of the Empire State Building at night, at 2 a.m. She said that she wanted to be up there with me. And ever since I've moved to New York, I've been waiting at 2 a.m. up there a few nights every week." Tommy told the two surprised men. They had known that Tommy loved Jude and that there had times he had really been desperate about finding her, but going up on the Empire State Building a couple of nights every week, that was really something. "She was surprised to see me, surprised that I remembered. And for a few moments it was like back in the good times. She looked like my girl. But then I started to apologize and she changed before my eyes. She practically slipped away. She was bitter and mean. Told me that I was nothing to her and that she hated me. And then she said that she was sick of me and my apologies. And she's right, you know. I've never been good enough for her and she finally realized it." Tommy ended sadly, shaking his head like a little child that doesn't want to face reality but knew there was no way around it.

"She doesn't hate you." Kwest tried to reassure his friend, not sure if it was the truth since he could hardly believe anything he had just heard about Jude and wasn't sure about much anymore, but he knew that the thought was destroying Tommy.

"And how would you know? She TOLD me." Tommy said suddenly angry and glared at Kwest.

"She doesn't. She told me to tell you that she's happy for you." Darius stated softly, still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle that was Jude Johnson together.

"What?"

"She said that she's happy for you that you started doing your solo album. From what she said she still cares about you, T, she just doesn't want to let you in again. She's been broken when you left her and now she's determined to not give her heart away again. She even said herself that she might still love you, but that she isn't going to risk the life she has built for herself for whatever it was you two once had."

Tommy didn't say anything for minutes, he just repeated in his head over and over again Darius' words.

_She doesn't hate you. She still cares about you. She's happy for you. She said she might still love you._

If that was true he maybe still had a chance to get Jude back. And he would fight for her this time. He'd do whatever it takes to make her see just how sorry he was.

"What is the number of her hotel room?" Tommy asked Darius, for the first time since he had watched Jude walk away from him, he sounded sure of himself again. He sounded determined and was now again a man with a mission. He had found his hope again.

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I hope you don't think that the story behind Tommy's and Jenny's marriage is too... dramatic or not very realistic, or whatever. I just needed to find something that fit with the whole thing. I mean he needed to have a reason to marry Jenny though he doesn't love her.

So, that was it so far. Liked it? Hated it? Tell me. REVIEW. It's my 17th birthday in a few days. Nope, I'm not trying to bribe you or anything. :p (the bribe part would be the one with "you'll get the next chapter IF you review" lol)

Kathy ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry for the long update-less time :) I'm currently writing at chapter 11 of this story, so I don't even have an good excuse. Except that lately I'm more into reading than writing. That's just some kind of phase. I'm weird like that sometimes. Soon enough I'll hopefully have another writing-phase :)

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, I changed my name. It's now PuppetOnStringsPlayedByLife instead of Kathy101. Just FYI... :)

Responses:

Shadylady21: Not sure about Tristan yet. For now the story will focus on Jude-Tommy, Jude-Ed and Jude and her new life in general. And you'll learn a bit more about Nathan and Nikki. Let's just say Tristan's kinda a joker for the future :) THanks for the constant feedback, I really appreciate it!

instantstar69: Sure, the marriage is complicating things, but just for the record, TOMMY DOES NOT LOVE JENNY. Their marriage is solely for the purpose of her being able to stay in the US. They are more of friends than of husband and wife, and TOmmy is more like some kind of uncle for his daughter. Tommy loves Jude and would do everything to get her back.

ThunderChild94: Thanks for the review :) Yeah, it's sad that there aren't many writers for IS. The reason I started writing english fanfiction was because the fanfics for this show (which were the first I read also, it's my fav show and I hated the ending, so I ended up here ;)) gave me so much, that I just wanted to try and give something back. I just wish there were more fans and more writers. Then we would have gotten the ending IS deserved and we'd have more stories... :(

kiki dee: Thanks :) Well, here in Germany we're full adults with 18, so I guess that just leaves me just one year :D I'm equally excited and scared to become 18 actually. I have no clue what my future will look like (the scary part) yet I can't wait to get out of this small town and see where this life is taking me :) And I get that you're kinda unsure about Tommy having a child. But like I wrote in another response, it's not like they are a real family or anthing. Anyways, hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

ENJOY READING AND REVIEW!

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**_9. I Can't , Can I?  
_**

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**_"You laugh you cry no one knows why  
But ohh the thrill of it all  
Your one the ride  
You might as well open your eyes_**

**_You will fly you will crawl  
God knows even angels fall  
No such thing as you lost it all  
God knows even angels fall"_**

(Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle)

* * *

"_There's something about my past that you don't know. Nikki only knows parts of it but it's nothing compared to what I'll tell you now. Ok, so here it is. I'm not Jude Johnson. Well, it's the name on my passport, but until three years ago I was Jude Harrison, Canada's first ever Instant Star…" Jude looked up into Nathan's eyes and watched helplessly how they widened while she continued her story. She just hoped he wouldn't hate her for lying to him for so long. For keeping a whole life of hers from him. After everything he had shared with her about his past._

Nathan watched his friend with wide eyes, not able to process everything he had to take in. There was Jude, his friend Jude, the one person he trusted the most, and she was telling him that she wasn't Jude at all. Not his Jude at least. And it hurt.

He saw it in her eyes and heard it in her voice, she was truly sorry and she obviously felt bad about keeping the truth from him, but though he knew how she felt and a part of him wanted to comfort her, another part couldn't help but feel betrayed. This was crazy. How could she not be Jude Johnson?

"When I won the contest I was only 15. Not much more than a child with a guitar. From then on my life was crazy and though I didn't admit it, I had left "normal" behind the day I walked into my new label, G-Major. There were good and bad times. My first boyfriend was Shay, the "S to the H to the A to the Y"-Shay, and he broke up with me on my sixteenth birthday on national TV, admitting that he had cheated on me, definitely a bad moment. Then there were the good moments, like when I won a people pick's award or every time I went on a stage and performed for my fans." Jude paused for a moment, searching for the right words. She didn't know how to describe her former life and especially everything that had happened with Tommy, but she knew she owed it to Nathan. Even if speaking about it hurt, even if saying out loud made things real again and all the times her heart had been broken and the heartache she had felt when she had left Toronto behind was coming all back to her now.

"And then there was Tommy. Little Tommy Q from BoyzAttack. He was my producer through all those years and after the first week, after I had seen the real Tom Quincy and stopped hating the cliché, I fell in love with him. I know, I always told you that I hated boybands and it's true, you know? I really do, but Tommy is so much more than an ex-boybander... Anyways, to sum it up, Tommy kissed me twice in three years and I never fell out of love with him, even though we never were together. We always had this undeniable bond and this chemistry between us. But there always was the age-thing standing between us. Him being 23 and me being 15 was a big problem especially with the tabloids in our back. So we fought it. Well, at least he did. I was the pathetic little girl that couldn't let him go and got her heart broken over and over again. There is barely one of my songs that isn't about HIM; about him confusing the hell out of me, about him breaking my heart. Then, the night of my release party for my second album Tommy asked me out on a date. We had kissed again only a few days ago and he then confessed that he was done fighting whatever there was between us." Jude stopped, tears in her eyes when she thought back at how damn happy she had been for a few hours back in that day. And how it all had turned to dust within moments. Why did the mere memory still hurt so much?

"What did he do?" Nathan asked after a few moments of silence. He still didn't know how he felt about everything and so he settled to just listening and comprehending. When she had finished he would have enough time to think about everything. By now he had realized that it was probably the first time that she was telling her story to anyone and he knew that she was hurting, knowing how to read her pretty well.

"He was late. I was sitting in that restaurant and waited for him. Then he finally showed up, but his face was so cold, so... distant. The look in his eyes wasn't the one he usually gave me, the one he saved only for me. He told me that he had to leave town. That he didn't know if he'd be back." Jude paused for a second, remembering how she had felt like a train had just hit her. "Then he stormed out the diner and climbed in his car next to this bald guy. He drove away while I was standing in the middle of the street, screaming his name after him in the night." Jude swallowed hard, trying not to let all the emotions overcome her again. I then skipped the album release party and drove to a concert of a friend of mine. There I got drunk for the first time and it ended badly. The next day I couldn't remember much and a month later I got a letter with photos of me passed out and half naked. The blackmailer demanded 50000. My manager handled it, he paid the blackmailer and things calmed down. By that time it had been nearly two months and I had my third album half finished. I had been a train wreck for most of the times, a lost case so to say. I was broken, literally. Just when I was getting my shit together again, or at least was able to fake a smile, I got a phone call. From the guy who had taken the photos. He said that it wasn't over yet and hung up on me. That was when I had known I couldn't stay in Toronto. My life just had turned into some kind of bad parody of what I had always wanted.

My friends were walking around me on eggshells and made it impossible to forget about Tommy. Every time I saw the pity and sympathy in their eyes I felt my heart break again… The blackmailer would most likely have ruined my career and make me lose my contract. I had lost myself and was about to lose my music too. So I finished my album, signed the papers to free myself of G-Major and took the next plane to London. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, I never called anyone from my past and in the last two years I intentionally ignored every little bit of information about anything regarding my past. Jude Harrison isn't who I am anymore, she's been MIA for everyone for three years."

Nathan just sat there after Jude had finished her story and stared at the coffee cup in front of him. Little things he had never wondered about were now suddenly making sense. How he had wondered when she had claimed to not be able to sing or play an instrument but had owned a guitar which had been hidden in a closet in her hotel room. How she had refused to even consider any roles in Canadian or even American movies at all. She had even said "thanks but no thanks" to international producers who had been famous all over the world.

Jude excused herself to the bathroom, giving her friend some time to think. She just hoped that he wouldn't be angry with her, that he would still trust her and see her as his friend. Because she needed his advice at how to handle the situation. She needed to know that he had her back. To most people their relationship seemed strange and anyone who had seen them interact didn't believe that they were just friends. But they were. The best.

There was nothing that they kept from each other, well nearly nothing, and if Jude needed a shoulder to cry on, she usually went straight for Nathan and the other way round. Nathan was usually the reason that Jude's relationships didn't work out and Jude was ruining most of his the other way 'round. Jude's boyfriends hadn't liked it at all that she always went out with Nathan to blow off some steam and that the tabloids always printed photos of her and Nathan dancing way to close or of her hugging him very tightly. And when the guys then had made her chose between them and Nathan she had always chosen Nathan – except for one time, and that had turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made. Experience had just taught her, that no relationship was worth losing her and Nathan's friendship.

"Why now? Why are you telling me all of this now?" Nathan asked finally. Jude's head shot up and her eyes searched his, desperately hoping to see how he felt about everything right now.

"I ran into Tommy two days ago." Jude stated slowly, a shadow of sadness coming over her features.

"Oh." Was all Nathan could think of. "How did it go?"

"He told me he was sorry. I told him to go to hell and that I was tired of his apologies. I left him standing on the top of the Empire State Building." Jude sighed knowing that she sounded harsh and that Nathan probably wasn't buying her "it-doesn't-really-matter" act. "What I didn't mention earlier was that some time after I had left Toronto I learned from a TV-Show that he was engaged and had a kid. A kid he had never told me about. I guess he left me standing in the rain for them, but I don't know. And I don't really care." Jude sighed, knowing that Nathan would see through this lie. But it was only a half-lie. It didn't really matter to her why Tommy had left her. He did and he was engaged and nothing he could say would change that. But it still hurt and she still cared, just in a different way.

"You do care. And nothing is wrong with still feeling something towards him, Jude. From what you said he was your first true love and it was complicated and it definitely changed your life drastically. Just because you still care it doesn't mean that you're forgiving him or want him back. You left a whole life behind and I'm sure that wasn't easy, especially the way you handled it, with not saying goodbye and all. And I assume you're now confused because everything's catching up with you again?" Nathan told Jude sincerely, guessing exactly just how Jude felt. One of the things she loved about him, he always knew the right things to say and he just… got her like no one else did sometimes.

"That was how I felt yesterday. But last night another part of my past caught up with me. Darius, my old manager, knocked at my hotel room. He tried to talk me into signing a contract but realized that I wouldn't go for it. Then he asked me to consider doing a concert. A one time thing, just for the fans and for old times sake. To figure out if I chose the right dream."

"And that send you over the imaginary edge, huh?" Nathan asked, sensing that that was just how Jude felt. She nodded helplessly, the contradicting emotions now clearly in her eyes. "Now you're afraid of being hurt again."

"Yeah. I'm afraid of wanting to be a singer again. Because I can't risk it, if I signed a new contract it would only be a matter of time until I'd fall for HIM again. And I can't let that happen. I don't know if I could take another heartbreak." Jude admitted, for the first time saying it out loud.

"Do you still love him?" Nathan asked after a few moments.

"I don't know. Until two days ago I was happy. I barely thought about what I left behind and I know that I could easily go on like that and be content with just being me, if it wasn't for these people who just keep showing up without a warning." Jude commented, sounding a little bit angry at that last statement. Nathan understood what she meant, it must have been hard to move on and to leave a whole life behind and now that she had done that and finally was in a good place with her life she was being thrown back all over again.

"Do you want to sing again? If you could be sure to go back to your normal life after that, would you do it?" Nathan inquired next, knowing that the advice Jude was silently begging for was something only she could give herself. He could only try to make her realize what she needed to do for herself.

"Ok, think of it this way: Will you regret it if you say no?" Nathan questioned after Jude had only shrugged helplessly at his last question. He literally saw the moment when a realization hit Jude. Now he only had to wait until she was ready to share it with him.

"I can't let this chance pass me by, can I?" Jude asked somewhat resigned. Nathan offered her a small, knowing smile. He knew Jude well enough to see when she had given in. He was pretty sure that Jude had known all along she would end up doing it, but she had tried to lie to herself. Those kinds of lies were always those who sucked the most, because you can't fool yourself forever.

"For what it's worth, I can't wait for the concert already. I'd simply love to hear you sing. Plus this opens up so many possibilities. Maybe you could sing in the movie, you know? The first draft actually included a singer-part of your character, but since you always claimed to be totally unable to hold a note, I scratched that…" Nathan began but stopped himself in his enthusiasm when he saw Jude's terrified expression. "Woah, relax, JJ. If you don't want to we don't have to change a thing. It's just-" Suddenly he was cut off by Jude. She leaned slowly in closer to him, he leaned back in the beginning, not sure what to expect, but there was only so much space due to the back of the chair. Then Jude's face was right in front of his and she kissed him softly on the cheek, not far away from the corners of his lips. That little gesture silenced Nathan effectively and he didn't even know why. Maybe because he hadn't expected this reaction at all.

"I don't know if I want to sing anymore, Nate. I just said that I'll try it out. If I'd like to sing in my movies, you'll be the first to know. Thanks for being there for me. And for not getting angry with me because I kept such a big part of my past from you." Jude said while drawing back, a sincere look in her eyes, showing how much she cared about her friend. Nathan smiled back and soon they had changed topics and were talking about less life-altering things. Occasionally Jude would throw in some more information about her past, but she was glad that Nathan wasn't bugging her about it.

Sometimes she wondered, what she had done to deserve a friend like Nathan. He was the one who kept her going when nothing else did. He was the one who just got her and who she first asked for help. He was everything to her.

* * *

Jude was inside her spacious shower. It was one of the things she really enjoyed in these overly expensive hotels she usually stayed in lately. The bathrooms and the comfort, the luxury. She loved taking long showers or sitting in a filled-to-the-very-top bathtub and just relax.

Unfortunately she didn't have time to really relax right now, because she had to get ready. Nathan had given her two invites for an A-list party tonight and as soon as she had gotten back from lunch, she had called up on Nikki and had begun searching for the right outfit before hitting the shower.

So Jude stepped reluctantly out of the shower, a part of her longing to stay in there, to let the hot water fall down her skin and think about just everything again. After all she had made a damn important decision today that could even be life-altering.

She'd sing again. In front of people, in front of her fans. She'd do her first concert in over three years. She was even considering doing some of her new stuff. Though the word "new" was relative, she hadn't written in two years after all.

_Oh well, for everyone else it will be new stuff and maybe it'll help me to finally close the door to that other life of mine for good. Perhaps I'll even get to write a completely new song before the concert. I can't exactly write it down yet, but these lines keep coming back to me lately. With a little bit work, I could maybe turn it into a song. _

Jude wrapped a towel around her and took off the bathing cap, since she knew she looked totally ridiculous with it on her head. But she had not enough time to dry and style her hair, so she had decided on just not washing it for the second time this day. Now she was looking at her blonde reflection and once again couldn't help but feel somewhat uncomfortable. She was now a lot stronger than she had been at 17, but she was also more screwed up. Mostly, so Jude suddenly realized, she had lost her innocence, the childish thinking of a happy world.

_Is that good or bad? Damn it, why is everything so damn confusing right now? I wish I could rewind and never agree on doing this movie in the first place._

Suddenly Jude heard someone knock on her door. Startled she waited for a few seconds until the same soft sound came through the bathroom door again. With a sigh she walked out the bathroom and headed for the door, ready to give Nikki her piece of mind about being early. It was being fashionably LATE, not early. Especially when her friend knew that she was still getting ready.

Jude opened the door swiftly after having spied a waiting Nikki through the spy hole in the door. Yeah, she had learned her lesson after Darius' little visit.

"What part of "come over in an hour" don't you understand? Or are your h-" Jude stopped herself mid-word when she caught a glance on who was standing next to Nikki. It had been unpossible to see him through the spy hole which for one thing totally made that thing useless (_note to self: do not EVER open that door again without having a camera or something like that installed so that these kinds of surprises won't happen again. Never._), and Jude couldn't shake off the feeling that Nikki's broad and slightly mischievous grin should tip have tipped her off.

"You gotta be kidding me." Was all Jude managed to say after she had starred at the man next to Nikki for a few seconds.

"Hello to you to Judy." Nikki said cheerfully and strode into the room, passing her stunned friend. Jude was about to say something not very nice, but was cut off by Nikki. "Oh, and you might want to consider getting dressed before you rip my head off."

Only then Jude realized she still wore nothing but a towel. And that in front of her freaking ex-producer, ex-friend, ex-crush, ex-...everthing. In front of Tommy frigging Quincy, because no one else but the Heartbreaker No. 1 himself was accompanying Nikki.

Jude swore under her breath but didn't give Tommy another look. She hurried off back into the bathroom, quickly getting dressed and applying some more make-up.

* * *

"So… You can come in, you know? It'll take some time until she's outta there again." Nikki told Tommy, still smirking at her friend's hurried departure and at Tommy's obvious reluctance to enter the suite without Jude's permission or whatever else he needed.

Tommy snapped out of his daze and stopped fixating the point where Jude had left his sight. He had been a goner from the moment she had opened the door in nothing but a towel. Man, had he wished it would disappear or fall to the ground or just move a little farther south. Her sheer beauty had taken his breath away, even though she had no make-up on, she had never looked more beautiful to him.

On the Empire State Building he had hardly seen her, and the little details had gone by unnoticed, but now he was seeing her blue eyes again. And found how damn much he had really missed loosing himself in those. And her hair, it really did look great the way she wore it now, shorter and just so it cupped her chin a little bit (Jude's haircut from season 4). He had loved her red hair, but blonde had always been one of his weaknesses and Jude Harrison as a blonde; it was like a dream came true. Seeing her now in broad daylight, he had even more problems imagining her with black hair, no matter what Darius had told him.

"Yeah, right. Sorry. I just haven't really seen her in a while." Tommy admitted sheepishly and quickly walked into the suite, closing the door behind him. He shot Nikki a tentative smile before he took a moment to look around. The suite was pretty expensive, but he had expected that considering they were at the Plaza hotel. But he still found it hard to picture his Jude staying in these kind of hotels.

After a few minutes he had joined Nikki on the couch and was now stealing side glances at that kinda crazy girl next to him. He just couldn't figure the good-looking blonde out. From what he she had told him and from what he had seen and heard, he could tell that she was an actress too and it seemed like she and Jude were friends, pretty close even.

"Whatever she'll say when comes in, don't take it too personal." Nikki broke the sort of awkward silence. Tommy looked at her curiously and surprised. "She's been pretty stressed in the last few days, though she tries to hide it. And today she had been forced to have lunch with this guy she really, really doesn't like for work and she usually isn't a fan of surprises when's she's in a bad mood like right now. So just don't let her get to you, Tom, alright?"

Once again Tommy wondered on how much the young woman exactly knew. She had let him go upstairs to Jude's room with her when the concierge hadn't let him through. Yet she hadn't shown any signs knowledge about his and Jude's past when he had introduced himself to her, plus she was calling him Tom instead of Tommy.

"If you knew that my coming here would upset Jude, then why did you do it?" Tommy asked, not even trying to hide his curiosity and confusion. Nikki laughed and needed a few moments to calm down before she answered casually.

"Because you're a part of Jude's past." Nikki simply stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. When Tommy still looked pretty much lost, she continued. "And as much as I love that girl, she's not very talkative when it comes to her past. In fact she's avoiding talking about her life before she started to act like she had some crime to cover up. She just refuses to talk about it and unfortunately I'm the kind of girl who drives that crazy. If she wasn't the best friend a girl could wish for, I wouldn't be able to put up with her secretive behavior sometimes. But what can I do, I just can't be mad with her." Nikki smiled at Tommy and he couldn't help but think that maybe Nikki was Jude's own Kwest. He was 100% sure, that Nikki was a true friend and that she'd really do anything for Jude. Coming to that conclusion, he decided that he really liked her as well. Especially since she seemed to be on his side.

"That sounds just like she-" Tommy began, but a noise from the hallway was interrupting him and he didn't finish the sentence when he heard Jude coming. Instead he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever he was in for.

* * *

So that was it. Tell me what's going on in your head like RIGHT NOW ;)

I hope you liked, or at least didn't hate, the conversation between Nathan and Jude. It turned out that writing it was harder than I had expected. I ended up with what you've just read and I'm semi-satisfied with it :) And I don't know what you think, but I love Nikki more with every new chapter :) When I first mentioned her, I hadn't given her character much thought considering I had thought this would be a few-shot and already finished by chapter 9... lol

Anyways, I'll try and get my lazy-me to reread the next chapter soon and update it. It's the rereading thing that takes the longest lately...


	10. Chapter 10

_**10. And Then There's You**_

* * *

__

_**"And we know it's never simple, never easy **_  
_**Never a clean break, no one here to save me **_  
_**You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand **_  
_**And I can't breathe without you, but I have to **_  
_**Breathe without you, but I have to**_

_**It's 2AM **_  
_**Feel like I just lost a friend **_  
_**Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me"**_

_**(Breathe - Taylor Swift)**_

* * *

"_That sounds just like" Tommy began, but a noise from the hallway was interrupting him and he didn't finish the sentence when he heard Jude coming. Instead he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever he was in for. _

"So, now you got some explaining to do." Jude told Nikki in a serious voice as soon as she had entered the room. She didn't acknowledge Tommy, but sat down on the chair farthest away from him.

"What can I say. I just thought you'd be happy to see an old friend of yours." Nikki explained non-committed, but there was a certain sparkle in her eyes, giving her away. She was clearly not as innocent as she was trying to lead on.

"An old friend?" Jude asked somewhat incredulously and annoyed. "Hardly."

Nikki looked at her friend innocently and with wide eyes. Like she hadn't figured that out already. Really, it hadn't been that hard. It wasn't like Jude had acted anything but obvious.

"You two were never friends? Oh, then I'm sorry. He just seemed so... sincere." Nikki said and winked at Jude. The latter knew that Nikki had actually wanted to say hot, but had refrained from it. Jude had to fight the smile that was trying to get out, but she reminded herself why this whole incident totally wasn't funny and why she was avoiding looking over to Nikki's right side.

Jude groaned at the mere thought of losing herself once again in these unbelievably blue eyes. She of course immediately scolded herself for even thinking about something like that right now. After a few moments she gave in to her bad conscience. Maybe she had been a little bit harsh and what she had said hadn't been exactly true. Hadn't she decided earlier that she would quit lying and beating around the bush? She had planned to tell Nikki the truth tonight.

"Ok, so maybe we were friends. Kinda. But that was in another life. Didn't I tell you often enough that I'm trying to leave my past behind?" Jude asked somewhat pleadingly. She knew that Nikki was dying to know more about her past, and that this curiosity was a part of the reason that Jude was in the current situation. But still, she needed Nikki to give her some more time. She'd tell her eventually, but it wasn't easy for her either. It hadn't been easy telling Nathan and he was the one who totally got her and was way less impulsive than Nikki.

"Yeah well, maybe you did say that once or twice, but that doesn't mean that I'm ok with being out of the loop, alright? Besides, this lovely guy here was downstairs fighting with the concierge since he wouldn't let him come up here to see you. And boy, the cutie was so desperate, it literally smelled like drama. You know I simply LOVE drama. I couldn't just walk by the scene, so I asked pretty boy what he wanted from you and he said you were old friends. I don't know what it was, but something made me believe him, so I told the concierge to back off and that he was with me. Seems like I'm allowed to visit you." Nikki added with a smirk, enjoying the fact that she was a VIP who could visit her friend whenever she wanted. She didn't know that Jude had advised the concierge to not let anybody aside from Nathan and Nikki come up to her room. "And you can say what you want, but I wasn't all that wrong believing him, now was I?" She added with a grin, when Jude was still looking upset.

"You better wipe that smug look off your face, Nikki. Because he's the last person I want to see right now. Remember what I told you that night before you persuaded me to join you and your friends for the first time? Well, he's that guy." Jude said, trying to get Nikki to realize just what she had done to her. And that she should never do something like that again. Because she had told Nikki about Tommy. Sort of. She had told her parts of their story and that he had broken her heart. That he had broken her.

Jude kept her eyes focused on Nikki while the realization was slowly coming to her friend, she didn't allow herself to glance over at Tommy, knowing that he must look confused and angry and probably hurt too. So maybe it wasn't exactly nice of her to intentionally keep him out of the conversation, but she wasn't caring much about being nice right only thing she cared about was getting through this... whatever this was. She had no idea what to tell Tommy nor what he wanted and why he had come to see her in the first place. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to know.

For a few moments Nikki looked guilty and kind of conflicted, but then she had her usual smirk on again and was now giving Jude a challenging look.

"So what if he is that guy? Maybe he wants to apologize and really means it. And in the end you'll be happy together and forever and you'll be so damn grateful for having me as your best friend." Nikki predicted.

"No way. That's not going to happen. Besides, he did already apologize. Two nights ago. And as you might have guessed, I'm not very forgiving." Jude retorted, sounding not as certain as she probably would have liked to.

"Hello, I'm still here. I can hear you two. So stop talking as if I wasn't in this damn room!" Tommy interrupted the little argument between the two friends. All the frustration he had felt up to now because of Jude ignoring him, was for everyone to hear in his voice.

Jude sighed and turned towards him for the first time since she had escaped the bathroom. Her eyes showed pain and sadness as well as anger and defeat. When she spoke though, there was only resignation and sadness in her voice. She even seemed weak for the first time since Tommy had met her as Jude Johnson. She just seemed so… fragile, so tired of it all. Like she had been pushed over the edge one time too often. Tommy briefly wondered if that really all has been his fault, but then concentrated on her words.

"Look, Tommy. I don't know why you came here, but it's no use. This might be hard for you to understand, but I'm not your Jude anymore. I changed in more than just a few ways. And I'm not hung up on you anymore. I moved on and I'm not interested in talking the past out. Which is why I don't need explanations or apologies." Jude sighed. She didn't 100% feel like that, but she was close enough to know that she really didn't NEED explanations or apologies. She looked Tommy in the eyes now, caught his gaze and held it firmly when she spoke her last words. "I know it's hard, but you need to let this go. To let ME go. I **need** you to let me go."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Jude. I can't give up on you, just like I can't give up on hoping in general or on music. You're a part of my life and I need you to be in it again." Tommy told Jude, trying to hold her gaze, though her words had broken his heart. But he couldn't stop trying. Because he had been at that point only hours ago and let me tell you, it wasn't a nice state to be in.

"What do you want Tommy? Why did you come here? Because if you truly loved me, you'd let me go. I let you go when you were with Sadie because you told me she was what you wanted. I did it for you because I loved you. So why can't you return the favor?" Jude asked desperately. She hated that Tommy was suddenly starting to fight for her when she needed him not to.

All these years he had done nothing. He had been her producer and her friend and they had occasionally shared a moment, but when push had come to shove, he hadn't fought for her. He had chosen Sadie over her. And then he had left. He had given up on her numerous times and now, when she needed him to let go, he wouldn't. How was she supposed to move on when he wouldn't let her?

_Hell, I shouldn't need him to LET me. I should have just moved on a long time ago. I was engaged for god's sake and I went months without giving him more than a faint thought._

"Because I'm not as amazing as you are. I'm a mess and I'll always be. But I do love you, even if it took me ages to figure it out. You are what I want, you are the only one I want. And I'm so damn sorry for ever letting you walk away." Tommy spoke passionately. He didn't know that Jude was struggling with herself inside. He didn't understand that Jude was torn inside though she didn't want to admit it. He hadn't yet processed that Jude really had changed and that if he wanted to win her back, he'd need more than just empty words.

"No, you didn't let me walk away. You walked away from me. Not the other way around." Jude interjected upset. Not wanting to believe his words, trying to blend them out. But with every word he spoke he was attacking the walls she had build around her heart and she wasn't sure how much more they could take. She had been hurt before, by Tommy but also by Ed. And she was sick of it. She was sick of always being the victim. She was sick of guys not letting her do what she wanted to. In this case she wanted to move on and that required Tommy staying the hell away from her.

"You have two choices now. Either you leave on your own right now, or I'll call security and get you removed from this hotel for good." Jude added in a cold tone, forcing herself to not think about what he had said. Or about what she had said and how she had sounded. Or about the little voice in her head telling her that she was making a mistake and that she was hurting Tommy.

_What about all the times he hurt me? What about me, for god's sake! I do deserve this. I deserve the chance to move on. I build myself a whole new life and he has no right to go and ruin it._

"Woah, Jude. Don't you think you're overreacting just a tiny little bit?" Nikki asked sounding slightly shocked. Jude shot her a glare instead of answering the question. Nikki looked first at Jude than at Tommy who looked hurt and like a wounded puppy.

_Damn, that guy's so damn hot. I do get that Jude fell for him. But I don't get why she's being so stubborn about this. From the way she acts she seems more like a big coward than a grown up woman, damn it. If I had to guess, I'd say she's just downright scared to hell. Not that it's not understandable. This guy has hurt her really bad and then there was this creep Ed… But in opposite to Ed, Tommy seems nice. Sincere. And 100% in love with her! And hell can get me if she doesn't feel the same way._

"You say you moved on and that you're over Tommy, right?" Nikki questioned further. Jude nodded curtly, not knowing where this was leading, but not liking Nikki's look already. She felt cornered even before Nikki made her point clear. "Then there's no reason why he shouldn't come with us to the party tonight, now is there?"

"Didn't you just hear what I said? I want him to leave me alone! Why are you doing this?" Jude shot Nikki an incredulous look. She didn't understand why her friend was this persistent and why she took Tommy's side instead of hers.

"Well, this is the first time in nearly a years that you show this much passion for your personal life. Even when that son of a bitch, also known as your Ex, showed his true colors you remained more or less calm and didn't even try to fight him. But here you are, obviously too afraid to spend more than a few minutes with this man, who used to be a big part of your life, and the reason you're afraid is that you know deep down that you still feel something for him. Even though you don't want to. Even though you're not admitting it to us or to yourself." Nikki told Jude in a partly triumphing, partly "duh!" tone.

Jude felt her cheeks turn slightly red when she realized that her friend was right. She really had overreacted. She hadn't reacted like Jude Johnson, but like Jude Harrison. The girl whose temper was infamous. She felt like Tommy's stare even intensified and knew that she couldn't win this argument. She had blown her chance to show Nikki –and Tommy- that she was completely over him because she had acted like a stubborn teenager. Now she had to deal with it.

"I'm not arguing about my feelings with anyone in here any longer. I know what I feel just fine, thank you for the analysis. If you want him to come with us so bad, fine, he can tag along for all I care. But it's an invite only party and I got only two invites. Sorry." Jude said in a smug tone. She didn't sound sorry in the least and she really wasn't. In fact she was proud of herself, knowing that this was the perfect answer she could give. So maybe she had acted a little bit weird and obvious before, but from now on she wouldn't make that mistake again. She wouldn't let herself get upset over Tom Quincy again.

She was 21 years old. She was an adult by all means. She was an famous and very successful actress and she would let anyone ruin that.

"I'm sure we'll manage it somehow." Nikki challenged Jude once again, giving her friend a piercing look. She sensed that there was more to the story and she HAD noticed the looks between the two. The passion and the chemistry. Just like usually Jude wouldn't have been that upset about any Ex of hers seeing her in a towel. In fact there had been similar situations where Jude had walked around naked while telling the guy calmly to go to hell without even bothering to put something on until he had left. Another thing she had really NEVER seen, was Jude blushing. Jude had never blushed before, except maybe on screen because it said so in the script.

* * *

During the drive in the limo neither of the three was talking. Nikki was sitting there with a smile, playing with her blonde hair. Jude was starring out the window, a sullen expression on her face. Tommy was sitting next to Nikki, always glancing over at Jude, obviously frustrated with her behavior.

He had begun tapping his fingers against the window frame, subconsciously since he was getting more restless by minute. He didn't know what to say or what to do to make Jude act normal. To make her acknowledge him. Ever since she had given in to Nikki's idea of him tagging along for the party she had totally ignored him. Well she had ignored Nikki too, but the blonde didn't really seem to mind. Probably because she didn't need to worry that Jude would stay mad with her forever.

He stopped tapping rhythms with his fingers when Nikki and Jude both sent him death glares at the same time, making him aware of what he was doing in the first place. He mouthed an "I'm sorry", but Jude didn't even catch that anymore since she had already turned her head away again. Tommy grew more frustrated with Jude's childish behavior and rolled his eyes. As if it would kill her to look at him longer than necessary.

When the limo finally stopped and one could already see the flashlights through the dark windows Tommy was nearly glad to get out of the car at last. It felt like it was not enough space in there and everything he could think of was Jude and how he was not able to touch her, to talk to her, to get lost in her blue eyes. Hopefully things would go better through the night. Tommy raised and his hand went to the door, wanting nothing more but to get out as soon as possible. Hoping he could easier pretend that Jude didn't hate him when there wasn't this icy silence between them.

"Wait!" Jude's voice filled the air, just when Nikki's hand touched his shoulder, holding him back. Tommy turned, surprised and confused. Why didn't they want him to go outside?

What he saw stunned him. Jude had gotten out a little cosmetic mirror and was currently examining her face for what seemed like one last time. Tommy threw Nikki an incredulous look, not believing that THIS was why they had to wait. He HAD seen after all how both girls had been examining their selves often enough for "the last time" in the hotel room.

Nikki too was just putting away her mirror when she noticed Tommy's shocked expression. She smirked at him when she followed his eyes to Jude. She had understood by now that Tommy used to know Jude pretty well, but that Jude had changed and that her friend was eager to show that to poor Tommy. She probably would have been more surprised by Tommy's confusion, if she hadn't remembered Jude being totally not vain in the least during the first weeks Nikki had known her. It had taken the formerly black haired actress some time to adjust to everything that came with being an actress, especially one with great potential.

"Don't worry, she'll be ready soon. You gotta understand, that we girls need a little bit more preparation than a ton of hair gel. Plus all attention will be on Jude tonight. The movie we're in is already famous alone for the fact that she and Ed will be the lead." Nikki chuckled before she got a kind of thoughtful expression when she continued. "I probably should mind the attention that she does get and I don't, but at least I don't have to be so overly worried about my appearances all the time..." Nikki mused and smiled at Tommy, seeing that he was still puzzled by all the changes he had to adjust to.

"I'm ready and I can't wait to see what the tabloids think of my brand new D&G dress. Let's go and get my sentence." Jude joked after a few more moments, putting her little mirror and other stuff bag into the tiny, very trendy bag she carried with her. Nikki rose and when Tommy didn't get up right away she climbed over the still motionless ex-boybander, leaving the limo with a broad smile, ready to face the press. Leaving Jude and Tommy alone in the car.

Jude met his eyes for the first time since they had left the hotel room and she was giving him an impatient and annoyed look. He only returned a questioning one, not moving at all, silently daring her to climb over him too. She rolled her eyes but answered his unspoken questions.

"Look, I didn't ask you to come here. I WARNED you. I'm not the Jude you knew anymore and I don't know what else I can do to make you see that." She spoke with rage and kind of defensive. She had obviously taken his questioning look as some kind of reproach or something like that. Suddenly her features softened and her eyes got sort of tender look. "I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you. But I am who I am and I'm happy now. Please don't-"

"So you weren't happy back then?" Tommy interrupted, not able to restrain any longer from asking the question that had bugged him ever since she had told him for the first time that she was happy NOW. Was that a subtle way of saying that she hadn't been back then and that it had been his fault?

"No!" Jude contradicted forcefully. She hated seeing the hurt in Tommy's eyes and she hated that what she was about to say would probably hurt him even more. She just hoped he wouldn't take it the wrong way. "I was happy back then. I was living my dream, I was had great friends and no matter how tough it was sometimes, I wouldn't trade the memories for anything in this world." She paused, looking somewhat desperate to find the right words. Tommy saw in her eyes and in her body language that it was important to her to get her point across this time. He saw that for the first time she was really talking to him without trying to push him away or hurt him. She was being honest and he feared the outcome.

"And then there was you, Tommy. I loved you with all my heart, you know? I fell for you that day at the pier and neither Shay nor Jamie nor Spied did ever even compare to you. When Darius took over G-Major it was you who pulled me through, even though you dated Sadie. And I couldn't be mad with you. If you had asked me back then, any day, I would have told you that the best thing in my life was you. You've been everything to me and when you left the way you did you took a part of me with you. That's been one of the reasons that I knew I had to leave. I couldn't be the person everyone expected me to be anymore. I just couldn't because the most important part about that person was gone." Jude took a deep breath, seemingly calming herself. The hurt and the plain pain in her voice were really getting to Tommy. He now felt like he really understood why she had left Toronto for the first time. And this understanding made him want to kick himself in his dumb ass.

Tommy felt reminded of his last days in the band. After Angie had died and Portia had finally signed the divorce, he had tried to move on, but he had had to realize that he wasn't Little Tommy Q anymore. He had changed and couldn't just keep on living his old life. Which had been the main reason that he left the band. Sure, he hadn't been happy with where their music was going, but in the end it was that Angie had been gone. That was why he had left BoyzAttack.

"When I started over as Jude Johnson I became some else. I really did. I mean I still love coffee and can't live without pop tarts" Both smiled at that little notion. A glimpse of the past and of what they had shared. Once. "and I still love music and detest boy bands," Another grin. "but I've changed none the less. I left the part of my heart that once belonged to you behind. And at first it hurt, I constantly felt like something was missing. When I then heard about you being back I was about to jump on the next plane and fly home, but I didn't." Jude stopped once again. Looking at Tommy, searching for signs that he had taken her words the right way. All she found in his eyes was sadness and a deep sense of understanding and hurt. She didn't want to hurt him, but what choice did she have? He needed to know and she needed to tell him.

"So you moved on and you're now perfectly fine without me. That's what you're trying to say, don't you?" Tommy asked, not able to keep his tone as light as he had intended. "I know this probably sounds stupid, but I need you to speak it out loud. Do you really don't care at all about me anymore? Do you not miss me and what we had ever?"

"Of course I do still care about you! You're still one of the persons I trust the most on this world. But... Argh" Just stopped frustrated. Searching for the right words. Why was it that she had once been able to express her every emotion in words and lyrics and nowadays she was hardly able to know what she felt or what she wanted to say.

"I don't know how to explain this." Jude brushed a strand of her beautiful blonde hair out of her face and Tommy couldn't get around admiring her beauty once again. No matter what the situation was, he couldn't deny that her three years as a famous actress had become her quite well. "It's like an addiction you know? I loved you so damn much back then, I was ADDICTED to you. Then, when you left and I left, it's been like rehab. I first learned to live without you. Then I learned to ignore the hurt. And then I learned to be happy without you. I will always want it again and I will always enjoy being near you and I won't be able to hate you or whatever we had, but I won't give in either. You'll always be like some kind of temptation, but not something I need to live anymore."

Jude had said the last sentence lightly, probably happy that she was finally finding words to describe her feelings, but Tommy was reminded of something else and it wasn't putting him in a good mood.

_Flashback_

_Tommy was out in a club. It was early morning and one of his first nights he spent in New York after he had now permanently moved here. He had come to this club with Jenny, but his wife had excused herself a few hours ago. She had been too tired to stay but had insisted that he would. _

_After all they weren't really a couple. Jenny was more of his best friend by now and they were both enjoying their comfortable friendship and had no problems with raising Hannah together in harmony, though Jenny was doing the most of the raising part. They were both having dates and weren't secretive about it at all. _

"_Let's go and take this somewhere else. Your room or mine?" Emily whispered in his ears. Emily, the hot and pretty clever topmodel that was currently pressing her body against his. He had known her for years now, they had first met when he had still been in BoyzAttack and they had had quite some fun whenever their paths had crossed again. _

_But tonight Tommy hadn't had his head in the game and he knew that Emily must have sensed that too. Not that she would have been disturbed by it or something. He had found his way to her bed when he had been married with Portia and even after Angie died. They had never had something serious or anything like that. Only mutual attraction, that was just it and it ended with the morning light._

"_I'm married, Em. Already forgotten again? You just met my wife a few hours ago." Tommy commented sarcastically and pushed Emily gently away. He wasn't up to wasting his time like that anymore, not since he had met Jude. Sure, sometimes he was still seeking comfort in some meaningless screw, but he wasn't anywhere near drunk enough for that tonight._

"_So what? You were married the first time around too and you didn't care. What's so different now? She seems like a nice girl, but she never needs to know. You know how it goes..." Emily trailed off in a seductive tone and manner. She still didn't seem to get that she wasn't affecting Tommy at all._

"_No, Em, no means no. I'm sorry." Tommy rejected her gently, knowing that it would inevitably hurt her pride. Her took her hands in his and removed them from his shoulders and hips, releasing them as soon as he had put them back onto Emily's lap. Something in his eyes must have gotten his point across because suddenly Emily's eyes were sparkling with anger._

"_What, you got morals now? You, of all people. You're the biggest manwhore I know and believe me, I know all of your kind. You're not faithful, you're not a good man. You're a screw up!" Emily hissed angrily. Trying to somehow hurt Tommy as much as Tommy had hurt her pride. She wasn't used to men telling her off and she sure as hell wasn't used to Tommy being one of them._

"_I might have been all you just said. But I'm not anymore. The key is to move on with your life, you'll find someone to settle down with someday too and I'd advise you to start searching. Because there's only one love of your life." Tommy told the very attractive woman next to him, who probably could have any guy she wanted. She was looking at him with confusion, stubbornly and yet somewhat pouting like a little child. _

"_Don't get me wrong. You're an attractive woman and you can have whoever you want. You'll always be a temptation and a sweet one too. But I don't need you. That's the difference, if you love somebody you need them." With that he put down some cash and downed the rest of his drink. He raised, threw Emily one last of his infamous smiles and walked away._

_Flashback End_

How could she not love him anymore? How could she not need him anymore the way he still needed her? And how could she dare to try to finish their relationship with the words he had used so often himself to end other relationships?

Tommy looked incredulously at Jude who was seemingly waiting for him to say something. Her eyes told him that she was vulnerable, but through his anger and hurt he didn't really register that. He only knew that Jude was once again trying to tell him that they were over. And he had still too much to process to even think about answering to her words.

Suddenly Jude sighed, pulling her guard back up. She had told Tommy the truth, she had even admitted that she would always want him, but he seemingly didn't know what to do with that. And she was so damn tired of waiting for him. If he wasn't able to deal with them, then he should just walk away and leave her alone.

This was why she hadn't wanted him back in her life. She wanted to be with someone who wouldn't run at the first sign of danger, someone who'd fight, someone who could openly talk about his feelings and problems and who wouldn't be out of his depth as soon as things got complicated.

Jude raised herself from her seat (as much as possible in the limo) and climbed silently over Tommy and out of the car, just like Nikki had done a few minutes earlier. When she stepped out of the car she was greeted by flashlights and about a million questions and screams, all reaching her ears at the same time. She was brought back to a reality where Tom Quincy wasn't someone she knew and she found it truly freeing to not have to think about him for a few moments.

She smiled broadly and slowly walked along the red carpet (yeah red carpet, as if they were at the Oscars or something) and though she always said that red carpet's were overrated, she had to admit that it really was nice walking over one of them.

She posed for the press, even blowing a few kisses at the crowd. And she would have entered the building in a special kind of utter happiness, if she hadn't heard the seething words, Tommy hissed from behind.

"You're right, you've changed. You've become such a "girl". You're just like all the other divas now, aren't you?"

Jude turned around, looking at the man who had not too long ago claimed to love her. Disbelief and hurt filled her eyes and she saw that Tommy was already regretting his words. She saw how an apology started to form on his lips and in that moment she realized again where they were. For the media Jude Johnson had had no connection to Tom Quincy – until now. Jude felt her old temper rise once again (he really seemed to bring out the worst in her) and she didn't wait for him to speak out his apology. It wouldn't make his words hurt any less if he tried to take them back.

"You've got that wrong, Little Tommy Q. I'm a woman now." She stressed the word "woman", speaking in a kind of seductive manner. She knew that it would get to him and hell she'd prove to him tonight that she was everything BUT a "GIRL".

So that was that. It's not exactly drama filled but I guess it's ok, huh? It's more of a filler. I somehow have always problems writing those, because I usually know what's next and what drama is about to come and can't wait to write that. Anyways, I hope you liked it and feel free to tell me what you thought of it! I already have the next chapter finished and if you review I'll might just update it already ;)

Kathy ;)


	11. Chapter 11

_**11. Details, Jude, details**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**"It's a little too late for you to come back **_  
_**Say its just a mistake **_  
_**Think I'd forgive you like that **_  
_**If you thought I would wait for you **_  
_**You thought wrong**_

_**But you're just a boy **_  
_**You don't understand **_  
_**Yeah you don't understand"**_

_**(If I Were A Boy - Beyoncé)**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

Tommy followed Jude inside the building, barely paying any attention to the reporters along the way. He didn't give a damn about whether he'd be in the tabloids the next day or not. He didn't care if they caught him without his charming smile but with an angry face. The only thing he cared about was Jude and about making it up to her. Why did he say what he just did?

_As if she isn't angry enough already__ that I'm not backing off, I just need to prove her right. She opened herself up and I just let her go. Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I find the right words for once? All this time I begged for one last chance and she gave it to me, sort of, and I blew it. _

Tommy cursed under his breath when he looked around in the foyer and couldn't spot the two blondes he had arrived with anywhere. This was what he had been afraid of ever since he had met Jude. He had known that he'd screw it up one day. Sure, he had been convinced that he had screwed the things between Jude and him up for good for numerous times. Her 16th birthday, the day he started dating Sadie, the day he let her believe that he was cheating on Sadie, the night he had left Toronto and her behind. The day he had come back and had heard that she had left. The moment he had heard her album. He could go on and on with the list.

"Tom? Is that really you?" Tommy turned around and found himself looking into two green, piercing eyes.

"Cassandra Heywart **_(A/N: I took the name of the actress that visits Tommy in the first episode of seasonn 4, that is if I caught the name right. I have no idea what the color of her eyes was, but whatever...)_**. What are you doing here?" Tommy asked with a genuine smile on his face. Always the charmer he approached the woman with a grin and kissed her on both cheeks.

"I barely recognized you without the parachute pants." Cassandra smiled. "How come one doesn't see you anywhere anymore?"

"Yeah, well, I've been busy. I just started out with my solo album and I kinda kept to myself lately, I guess. In married life parties and stuff just don't fit in too well." Tommy answered, noticing once again just how often he used the excuse of being married. Even though he really wasn't. But he had grown sick of the business parties and especially the people in the industry. Plus he hated having to fight against his old reputation. Not that it wasn't flattering to have all the models and beautiful woman throw themselves at him, but he just wasn't interested anymore.

"Ah, I see. Finally found the one who conquered your heart? I really want to meet this woman." Cassandra raised an eyebrow surprised by his answer, but also somewhat pleased. Tommy chuckled at her comment, knowing that if she ever met Jude, they would really get along great. Both had their own way of keeping him on his toes.

"Yeah right, as if I'd willingly let you and your friends tear her apart." Tommy retorted with a small grin. They both knew that most others of Tommy's past girlfriends would be out for his wife's head. Or technically Jude's head since he was in love with her not Jenny, just that Cassandra didn't know that.

"Hey, I'm not that bad. Besides, you can't blame Charlotte and Eliza and the others for falling for your cute smile. Or your hot dance moves. I think you're one of the few guys on this planet who can shake their ass on national TV and not be once called gay."

"Yeah, right. It's all my fault now. Why don't we get inside, let's see who else has been missing little old me." Tommy changed topics, put an arm around Cassandra and walked inside the party area, joking about old times. He liked Cassandra since she wasn't as obsessed with him like some other women had been. Plus she actually had something that was worth calling it brains and you could have a decent conversation with her. But though he enjoyed talking to the woman that came close to being some kind of a friend, he couldn't help but look out for Jude all the time. He tried to be discreet about it, but he had a feeling like he was failing miserably.

"So who exactly are you looking for?" Cassandra asked after ten minutes or so. Tommy winced and focused his attention on the woman in front of him for a moment. He knew he was being rude and unfair. The thing was that he really liked Cassandra, since she was just different from most of his other EX-girlfriends.

"I'm sorry Cass. It's just that I need to find… someone." Tommy explained vaguely, trying not to sound too obvious. But he wasn't doing a very good job at that either and Cassandra saw right through it.

"It's a woman, isn't it? I can't believe it. Little Tommy Q desperately searching for a girl. Who is she? Is it your wife? Why didn't she come with you tonight?"  
"Ok, she is a woman. And yeah I'm searching for her. Look, I really need to find her, maybe I'll catch you later?" Tommy asked quickly before he walked away, heading for the bar where he had just caught a glimpse of a very Like-Jude-looking person.

But when he got a good look at the supposed Jude, it turned out to be false alarm. Tommy scanned the crowd from where he stood and cursed under his breath when he just couldn't see her anywhere.

_I wish her hair was still red. It would be way easier to spot a redhead in this kind of a crowd. Every second girl in here is blonde. Damn it. I need to find her, I need to talk to her. _

"Searching for a certain blonde?" A voice asked from behind him. Tommy whirled around and found himself in front of Nikki.

"Are you a mind reader?" He asked somewhat sarcastically. He turned away again, looking out for Jude. He knew that he was once again being rude, but he just couldn't help it. Somewhere in this room was Jude, being mad at him with good reasons and he couldn't stand the feeling.

"No need to be impolite, prince charming. I'm on your side, alright? Though you're really giving one a hard time staying there." Nikki retorted curtly. She stepped beside Tommy and followed his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Tommy asked without looking at her. He wasn't sure what to think of her words. What did she mean with being on "his side". She didn't know him, so how could she be on his side?

"Well, I can see that you're in love with her. And that you're truly desperate to have another chance. She can't see that because she doesn't want to, but it's obvious that she likes you too. So I'm on your side." Nikki stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"And do you have an explanation why exactly she doesn't want to see it? Because that would really help me." Tommy snapped. Somehow he didn't like how Nikki was acting towards him. Like she didn't really take him for full. Sadly her tone also reminded him of the one Kwest always used with him in these situations and he didn't like it from Kwest already, from a complete stranger and a girl on top, it was even worse.

"Well, duh, obviously because she's been hurt many times. Quite a few by you, from what I heard." Nikki replied without missing a beat and Tommy could have sworn that she was rolling her eyes, even though he still wasn't looking at her. "And you're not making it much easier either. You did quite a good job actually, until tonight. I don't know what you did after I left the limo, but whatever little progress you've made since you met her here in New York; you've ruined it again."

Tommy refrained from giving a sarcastic remark, knowing that it was not only the truth but that Nikki was only trying to help. Although it wasn't really helping to hear that he had screwed up. He knew that already.

"God, she's downright furious with you right now." Nikki added, sounding somewhat amused. Tommy was irritated by her tone and glanced at her. She was smirking. She was actually smirking at his misery. Great.

"Gee thanks, I wouldn't have figured that out if it wasn't for you. Thanks for the help. You really have a odd way of showing that you're on my side!" He said angrily, his eyes back on the crowd.

"Hey, it's not as bad as you think it is. Jude usually isn't the type of girl who looses her temper because of guys. I think the few guys she actually lost her cool about were barely a hand full." Nikki told Tommy, probably trying to be somewhat comforting. "I mean she's been screwing quite a lot of guys, but she was usually the one to end things and if the guy did she didn't shed a tear. That you're able to upset her like this is a good sign, you know?"

"I know you're just trying to help, but please don't!" Tommy groaned, trying to forget what Nikki had just said. He didn't want to know that Jude was "screwing" a lot of guys. He wanted back his innocent Jude, the tempered, spirited, yet somewhat naïve one. The one for whom he'd be the first and only.

Suddenly he spotted Jude in the crowd and all thoughts went out of his head. There she was, laughing, tugging her blonde strands behind her ears while she was talking to some guy. A guy Tommy immediately disliked.

"Don't go over there and kill him right away, not if you want to win Jude back. She's just trying to get back at you for whatever you said or did. You hurt her and she doesn't like being hurt." Nikki advised, putting an arm on Tommy's shoulder in a sort of comforting manner, softly holding him back.

It took a few moments for Tommy to process Nikki's words, but he ended up standing still instead of storming through the crowd. He knew that Nikki was saying the truth and that if he now made a scene in front of all people, Jude wouldn't forgive him all that easily.

_There was a time when Jude would have never minded me fighting for her. When she would literally ask me with her pleading big eyes to fight for her. And now, when I'm finally ready to do so, it might be too late. What can I possibly do to make this right again?_

He turned his back on Jude and faced now Nikki. He saw the sympathy in her eyes and found that he somehow trusted the girl in front of him. Which was surprising since he wasn't one to trust easily. He usually didn't show how he truly felt, but here he was, looking at Nikki his eyes giving away how lost he really was.

"I just want to make it right again. But I screw up all the time. And I don't know how to fix it this time. She's my old Jude one minute and I know exactly what she's thinking and the next moment she's nothing like she used to be. And she keeps on pushing me away."

"Don't worry, she'll come around. She's got a strong resolve, but also you might not have noticed, it's crumbling down already and that's why she's so scared and moody." Nikki told Tommy and lead him back to the bar where he sat down and ordered a drink. She glanced over at where Jude was standing, and shook her head sadly when she saw that Jude was flirting with three guys at the same time. Her friend really was acting cruel this time. Tommy was totally lost and desperate and Jude was pretending that she didn't care at all.

_And she's doing a damn good job, that I gotta admit. And poor Tommy doesn't see through her façade because he doesn't seem to know what great of an actress she is. Argh, this is frustrating. These two belong together, even I can see that and I've seen them interact only tonight. They have chemistry like I've only seen it once before. And Tommy's no Ed, that I'm sure of. _

"Just wait here, alright? Give her some time to cool down. She'll come around eventually." Nikki promised Tommy and hoped that it would be true in the end. She then excused herself and made her own round through the hall, generally heading in Jude's direction.

* * *

Tommy was sitting at the bar, downing his third shot of tequila. He had given up on the lighter drinks. What he hadn't been able to give up on was keeping tabs on Jude. But whenever he could spot her in the crowd, she was talking to some other guys, sometimes more sometimes less obviously flirting with them.

By now he truly wished he wouldn't have tagged along tonight. It was devastating to see Jude flirt with what seemed like every guy under 30 in the room while she was totally ignoring him. Nikki had been nice though and had stopped y a few times, but she had always had her own friends to get back too (mostly males too, as he had noticed) and she was not really helping. The only thing she told him was that he needed to not screw up again and that Jude would come around eventually.

Even Cassandra had stopped by one time but Tommy had rejected her as politely as he could and he had nearly felt somewhat bad at Cassandra's hurt expression. But only nearly, since she had been all over another guy only ten minutes later, trying to make him jealous.

"Everything alright, man?" One of the bartenders asked and Tommy turned his focus on the guy in front of him. A part of him was grateful for the distraction so that he wouldn't have to look at Jude all the time, but the other part was already in a bad mood and annoyed with being interrupted in his very own misery and self-pity-party.

"Yeah, just keep the drinks coming and I'll be just fine." Tommy replied harshly and watched the bartender turn away and distance himself. Good for him, since Tommy really wasn't in the mood to talk to any oh-so-clever guys, telling him what was right and that drinking was wrong and didn't solve anything or whatever this wise bartender would have had to say.

"One martini and a long-island-ice-tea, right?" A guy not far away from Tommy asked. Tommy didn't even hear him, but what he did hear was the female voice answering.

"Ah, you must have read my mind." Jude answered and Tommy could tell without looking that she was smiling. That beautiful dizzying smile that made her eyes sparkle.

"I wish I had the power, but I gotta admit that I still remember what you like from the last time." The guy told Jude. Tommy glanced over at the two and decided within a split second that the guy was a cocky bastard who wasn't good enough for Jude at all.

"The last time…" Jude trailed off, offering a sheepish smile. "Sorry, I don't remember it, though it's sweet that you do. Where was that again?"

"Tokyo. You were there for some award thing, I was there too, actually we were both nominated and both got an award. Then we decided to hit the club and had some fun. There was some crazy Chinese girl that was totally stalking you or something and I had to rescue you from her and get you back to your hotel safely. And…"

"Oh, wait, I remember! You're _that_ Ryan, how could I forget, you're a true lifesaver! That girl was totally crazy, but I guess these people are just the downsides of fame. Anyways, it can't be a coincidence I bumped into you tonight, the night with you in Tokyo was great, so I'll take it as a good sign for tonight." Jude said with a meaningful wink, then she leaned half over Ryan and took her drink from the bartender, giving the bartender and Ryan a broad grin showing that she was obviously in control of the situation. It was a situation she had been in many times before and by now she truly was in control and knew how to act.

"That's the spirit, J. Cheers!" Ryan replied with grinning too, following Jude's every movements with his eyes, making her blush just because of his intense stare.

"Cheers!" Jude repeated, now staring blatantly at Ryan too. She liked him; he was funny, smart, not too arrogant and definitely hot. And that night in Tokyo, he had not only rescued her from that crazy girl, but also made the night worth her while. Actually he had been the first one-night stand she had ever had, the first time she had slept with someone at all. It had been only the beginning of quite a lot one night stands and Ryan had been gentle and totally great with the fact that she had been a virgin. Though she had always wished that her first time would have been with Tommy, she knew she was lucky to have had someone like Ryan.

Speaking of the devil, her eyes suddenly spotted her personal dark haired nightmare, sitting only a couple of seats away from her and Ryan. Luckily Ryan had his back turned on him, because he probably would have noticed the death glares Tommy was stabbing him with and that would have let to some questions and a hell lot of drama.

Noticing her finally seeing him, Tommy shifted his gaze and looked Jude straight in the eyes, giving her a look that even one-upped Ryan's in intensity. When he saw Jude blush even more and then quickly avert her eyes, turning her attention back on Ryan, obviously having missed out on whatever that kid had said, he smirked. Yup, he still had a grip on her and as long as he could distract her from someone like Ryan with a simple look, he wouldn't give up on her.

Jude tried to focus her attention on Ryan again, but what had been so easy before was getting harder and harder by minute. She could feel Tommy's piercing eyes on her, feeling like she was being seen right through to her core. She really had to remind herself that she was angry with Tommy, that he had acted like a total jerk and had once again just given up on her.

"So, what do you think? Are you free Friday night?" Ryan asked and interrupted Jude's train of thoughts. She quickly recovered and tried to remember just what Ryan had asked her. Something about Friday night, but what?

"Ehm, I don't know. I'm afraid there's some kind of party for the movie staff. I kinda have to be there for PR reasons and stuff. The whole thing about having the lead is that you literally have to be everywhere, and that's exactly what you get paid for the extra millions." Jude replied smoothly, still having no idea what she had just refused to.

"You're way to beautiful to be stuck at these parties all night." Ryan whispered into Jude's ear, leaning in so she could feel and smell his hot breath on her skin. He had definitely had enough for one night. Though Jude suspected that she didn't smell very differently.

"Thanks I guess." Jude smiled and gently pushed Ryan back so that he wasn't too near to her anymore. "They aren't always that bad though. Just look at tonight, if it wasn't for this party I wouldn't have met you again."

"Yeah, that would have been a waste. Since we're both going to be in town for some time, we could just as well make use of it, right?" Ryan said, not giving up and leaning in again, this time his hands found their way to her hips and began to drop slowly.

"Sounds tempting, but I'm kinda really busy..." Jude argued, suddenly feeling somewhat uncomfortable with his hands touching her. She wasn't in the mood for something like that tonight, especially not when she was in serious need of oxygen whenever he was talking to her and leaning in like that. One could get drunk just by inhaling his breath.

"Why so shy tonight? You never had problems with that before, or so I heard." Ryan muttered when Jude once again tried to put his hands away but didn't succeed.

"I'm not in the mood tonight, Ryan. Just let go, alright?" Jude demanded, now a little bit more forcefully, the smile on her face looking strained.

Tommy was observing the scene in front of him and he had to literally fight the urge to walk over and rip that pretty boy's head off. But Jude was talking to that kid and seemed to even enjoy it. He knew that if he went over there and got all protective, he could ruin every chance he still had with Jude. When he saw how Jude was putting her hands on Ryan's which were beginning to move towards her ass, and how she was trying in vain to take his hands off of her, he growled silently. He stood up and started to walk towards the two, fully intending to make that kid regret to ever have even looked at his Jude in the wrong way. But when a third person joined the scene he stopped moving towards Jude and watched instead.

* * *

"Hey Darling, sorry that I'm this late again. I promise that I'll be on time for our wedding." Ryan flinched and pulled back, giving Jude space to breathe again. He turned his head and found himself looking into the eyes of a tall, blonde man with chocolate brown eyes.

"Wedding?" Ryan asked dumbfounded in his drunken state. Not having heard much besides that one word. But "wedding" was one of the few words that made guys like him stop. It was right up there amongst "marriage", "boyfriend", etc.

"Yeah, our wedding. Jude's my fiancée you must know." The blonde answered politely with a smug grin on his face but a cold and threatening look in his eyes. Ryan stared up at him for a few moments before he quickly stood up and walked away without looking back once.

"I **was** your fiancée, Ed." Jude stated icily as soon as Ryan was out of hearing range, she starred back at her ex, not backing down. After a few moments Ed began to chuckle out of the blue and broke their locked gazes and sat down where Ryan had just been.

"Details, Jude. Details." He paused briefly, just to let Jude process his words and open her mouth to protest. "But usually one says "thank you" when a gentleman rescues them from a drunken idiot. Though I guess it's too much to ask when it comes to you and me, huh?"

"Gentleman, my ass. You and me? There is no such thing. There is no us anymore and there won't be one ever again thanks to you, creep." Jude hissed angrily, feeling how her cheeks went red again, this time not because she was embarrassed or flattered.

"I'm sorry about what happened Jude. God knows I had never planned for something like that. But I still love you, baby. And I know that you still care about me too." Ed said confidently, looking pretty sincere. But Jude wasn't buying any of it.

"I don't care about you. And I could care less if you're sorry or not. All I want is that you stay as far away from me as humanly possible. I want you out of my life for good and I don't need you to rescue me from anyone anywhere!" Jude spat, pulling her hand away when Ed tried to lay his on hers, as if her hand was on fire. She then stood up abruptly, silently cursing the many drinks she had already had when her world started to spin slightly from the fast movement.

"Just stay the hell away from me and leave me alone. Or I'll make you leave. Don't forget, I can ruin you and I wouldn't miss a night's sleep about it." With that Jude stormed away, leaving Ed behind. Who was starring after her with a half annoyed half intrigued expression.

* * *

Tommy, who had overheard most parts of their conversation was entirely confused and torn apart about what to do now. A part of him wanted to go after Jude and comfort her since she was obviously upset, another part of him wanted to go over to this Ed-guy and tear him apart, slowly and painfully.

He settled for going after Jude and was storming off, searching for Jude while replaying in his mind what he had just seen. The whole thing was just not making sense. First Ed saved Jude from that drunk bastard and Jude had been more or less playing along, but the minute they were alone, she had gotten this firm expression and yet something haunted had been in her look. And then she had totally reacted like a cornered animal and had went off every time Ed had said something. For anyone else she must have seemed strong and angry, but Tommy knew her too well to buy that act and he had seen the fear in her beautiful blue eyes. But Ed hadn't been too shocked or even just surprised at Jude's behavior, which meant that there was some history between them.

_Figures, if they really were engaged they are bound to have history, especially if their relationship has come down to conversations like that one. I swear, if that son of a bitch has ever put a hand on her, I'll kill him._

Tommy shuddered at the thought of Jude being with an abusive boyfriend. But he didn't dwell on the thought much longer since he saw a blonde sneaking into a small room not far away from him and he just knew that it was Jude from his gut feeling. He took a quick look around to see if anyone else had noticed and then followed her calmly.

Behind the little door he found a dark room. He searched for the light switch next to the door, but couldn't find one. He then turned back to the room again and listened intently. At first there were no sounds or whatsoever and he was beginning to wonder if maybe he had been mistaken or had just imagined Jude sneaking in here, when he suddenly heard a sob. A heart wrenching half covered up sob.

"Jude?" Tommy whispered into the dark, his heartbeat speeding up. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell, pushing a few buttons to have at least some light in the darkness. He slowly walked towards where he had heard the cry coming from, his cell lightening up the way in front of him, if only a little bit.

He heard a few more suppressed sounds until he suddenly reached some kind of stage. He walked along the stage and after a few more steps the dim light of his cell showed him another person. It was Jude, sitting on the edge of the stage, her knees pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on them, crying into her arms.

Tommy threw away his cell, not really caring about where it landed, pulled himself up on the stage and hugged Jude from the side, holding on to her as if it was for his dear life. And she didn't push him away. She tensed at first, but after a few moments she relaxed into his firm grip and cried openly while Tommy was running a hand through her hair, murmuring words of comfort into her ear.

* * *

I'm currently finishing chapter 13, so where this update came from, there are more. But for my last two updates I only got two reviews per chapter (from **shadylady21** and **instant star 69**, big thanks to you two, by the way!). Am I doing something wrong? Anyways, I got another question for you. So soon the shootings for the movie will begin and I'm still thinking about a plot for the movie. I was thinking something along the lines of Love Vegas, but I'm not so sure. Maybe you could tell me a few ideas? I need something with obvious chemistry and where the couple's fighting each other in the beginning. Thanks in advance!

There will be more about Jude's past in the next chapters and you'll see more of Ed too. But there'll also be another Jommy moment.

Kathy ;)


	12. Chapter 12

Ok guys, I decided to do a little recap at this point. First I'll sum up the new characters aside from those on the show, and then give a short summary in notes form. I do this because I often get a problem with the time in my stories so this time I'll be extra careful because the timing's sort of important for the story.

**Recap**

_**Characters**_ aside from the classic Jude, Tommy and Darius:

**Nikki: **I wrote her a little bit cliché and I know that. She's supposed to be the typical young star actress, partying and meddling and just having fun. She loves drama and considers Jude her best friend. She's not perfect and often nosy and goes on Jude's nerves and she sometimes doesn't get Jude fully, but her hearts in the right place and Jude knows that. With her careless and reckless attitude she helped Jude especially in the beginning to get out of her depression phase and start over for real. So Nikki resembles the crowd Jude hangs out with nowadays and even though she might not do it right every time, she'd do anything for Jude and has her back. Nikki's Jude's age and has natural black hair.

**Nathan:** Nathan's like Jude's best friend through it all. He totally gets her and the other way round and he's the first person she tells the truth about her past. He also is the one who can convince her to do the concert. Jude can always count on him and knows he has her back. That's the reason why she reluctantly came to New York and agreed to work with her ex-fiancé Ed in the first place, because she knew it would do wonders for Nathan's career as a producer if she and Ed had the lead parts in his very own first movie. They were also often rumors about them being more than just friends in the tabloids, though they never dated or anything. Nathan's a couple years older than Jude, about two or three I'd say.

**Ed:** Edward Newswick is Jude's ex-fiancé and the two have quite a history. Jude's half terrified half furious whenever it comes to him and similar to Tommy he's one of the few people who can make Jude lose her temper even though she's usually not that short tempered anymore. Ed has done something terribly wrong and tries to get Jude to talk civilly to him again but she get's upset every time. Up to now he's hopefully still a mystery to all of you ;)

**Nora:** (only comes into the picture IN this chapter, sorry) Nora's Jude's manager and used to be a close friend too, though during the last months they hadn't had much contact due to their busy schedules. Nora too is one of the friends Jude made in the very beginning when she started out as Jude Johnson and she had been sort of a "replacement" for Sadie.

_**Story:**_

After Tommy left Jude on their first date she finished her third album all alone in record time and left town directly afterwards. She changed her name into Jude Johnson and started out as an actress in London. Three years later she's a famous actress and leads a happy life. Though she had changed a lot and now has a new life and a new lot of baggage - including an exfiancé.

**Monday**: Jude arrives in NYC; meets Tommy and tells him off but is affected by the meeting

**Tuesday:** The first photo shoots for the movie; Jude's a little bit off; Darius shows up and asks her to do a concert for the fans and questions her new life

**Wednesday:** Jude has lunch with Nathan and tells him everything, asking him for advice and ends up deciding to do the concert; at night she wants to go to a party with Nikki but finds her friend bringing Tommy along; after a brief fight with Tommy Jude ignores him all night, but after a conversation with Ed she has a breakdown and cries herself to sleep in Tommy's arms

Hope I got it all summed up, it's really short and everything, but whatever ;)

So this chapter takes place on Thursday. I hope you liked the story so far. And thanks to ThunderChild, because she told me to look up the movie "The Ugly Truth" and even though I didn't find it on the internet, I got the gist from the trailers and it inspired me ;)

* * *

_**12. I Can Still Read You**_

* * *

**_"I won't be your winter _**  
**_I won't be anyone's excuse to cry _**  
**_We can be forgiven _**  
**_I will be here _**

**_The old picture on the shelf _**  
**_Well it's been there for a while _**  
**_A frozen image of ourselves _**  
**_We are acting like a child _**  
**_Innocent and in a trance _**  
**_A dance that lasted for a while"_**

**_Your Winter - Sister Hazel_**

* * *

"Hello, excuse me, I'd like to see Miss Johnson if she's in." Tommy asked the concierge politely. Giving the woman behind the shelter a charming smile of his', hoping to get another reaction than from her male colleague, who had had the last shift.

"Miss Johnson? She's in one of our suites, right?" The woman asked, while typing something into the computer. Tommy nodded and waited impatiently and nervous.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do with you. Without explicit invitation I can't give you any information nor let you through to her room." The woman replied with a apologizing look. Tommy sighed, and contemplated for a moment to try and charm the woman in front of him into doing what he wanted her to. "So she is in her suite right now, right?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't give you any information without-" The woman began again, but Tommy interrupted her, growing quickly tired of hearing the same thing all day.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that the first time thanks. Could you just let her know I'm waiting for her outside?" Tommy asked and then turned around to leave without waiting for an answer. He somehow doubted that it would make a difference if the woman called Jude, her colleague had claimed to have just done that earlier. It just seemed that Jude wouldn't talk to him. She wouldn't even see him. And that hurt.

He had gotten his hopes up after the party, he thought that maybe Jude would give him a second chance, but he had called her all day and she had ignored it every time. He had left her voice messages, but had gotten no answer. So now he had gone to her hotel to pay her a visit and force her to talk, but he was being rejected at the reception already.

* * *

Jude left the limo in front of a skyscraper, her cell pressed to her ear with her left hand, a Starbucks coffee in her right. She was tired and had rings under her eyes, but they were covered up perfectly with make-up. She had left very early this morning and had spent hours at Starbucks, sipping numerous cups of coffee while starring into nothing and thinking.

"Yeah Nora, I'm actually just in front of the building. I'm coming up now. I know, I know, thanks for squeezing me in on such short notice. I promise I'll make it quick, but I believe you'll want to hear about this. See you in a few!" With that she put her cell away and walked into the first free elevator, still drinking her delicious coffee.

She had been thinking a lot during the last hours and she had made a few decisions. For one she would do the concert. She would face the music and Jude Harrison again, which was the reason she was currently on her way to see her PR-manager Nora Duras. She also now knew on what conditions she would do the concert. Number one was that Darius would make it happen, that she wouldn't meet another person from her past. Last night and her encounter with Tommy had only showed her, that she wasn't ready yet. She had been so determined to make Tommy see that she had changed, that she wasn't his little, naïve girl anymore, and yet one stupid conversation with Ed had been enough to lead to her ending up in Tommy's arms, crying like a baby.

Jude felt a little bit guilty whenever she thought about how she had left Tommy in that abandoned room all alone and still sleeping, without even saying goodbye. It hadn't exactly been her finest moment. But she had woken up in the arms of her ex-love/producer/whatever and she had just panicked -and had run. She didn't know why she hadn't been able to face him, but she had just known she couldn't.

The blonde sighed when she left the elevator and walked through the busy hallways, heading for Nora's office. She knew that Nathan and Nikki would both only tell her that she wasn't over Tommy yet and that she should give him a second chance, that is IF she told them what had happened. But that was just it. She KNEW how it must look to every one, like some scene out of a movie with two people who were made for each other and what not ever else. But that wasn't reality. Because although Jude did still care about Tommy, she also knew that what she had told him was true. She had changed. She didn't NEED him anymore like she used to. She was moving on. And most importantly; she was content with who she was.

_I might get lonely sometimes, but when I'm with Tommy, I feel that I'm falling back into old patterns and I don't want that. Tommy and I might have great chemistry and maybe it even really was true love, but maybe love just isn't enough. Ugh, I hate how cliché my life is lately. Besides, I have enough problems of my own without Tommy messing my life up once again. _

"Jude! It's great to see you again!" Nora exclaimed when Jude entered her office and Jude banned all thoughts about Tommy from her mind and hugged her friend.

"I'm glad to see you too Nora. It's really sad that the first time I get to see you in months is only because I need to tell you something because you're my manager. Remember the times I wasn't famous and we were still friends who went for coffee every morning?" Jude asked with a sort of nostalgic smile on her face while both ladies sat down. Nora returned the smile and nodded, remembering the lazy breakfasts at Starbucks or other coffees in London.

* * *

_Flashback - 3 Months after Jude left Toronto_

Jude was waiting on the street in front of an apartment building in the suburbs of London. She had pressed the ring button minutes ago and was now impatiently waiting for Nora to finally come outside and meet her. The good thing was that it wasn't raining and the sun was actually shining, so Jude was giving her friend a genuine smile when she finally emerged out of the front door.

"Sorry I kept you waiting, I know you hate waiting for your coffee, but I totally overslept!" Nora greeted her with an apologizing look. Jude just grinned and linked arms with the brown haired woman and they walked down the street together chatting casually.

"Apology accepted. Lucky for you the sun's shining today, that's nearly as good as coffee in the morning in this city." Jude said and chuckled when she thought of just how much this city had changed her. Or maybe the people had.

"So, tell me about last night? How did it go?" Nora asked, not wasting any more time. Jude smiled coyly, and both women began to laugh. Last night Jude had had her first date with Dave. An actor that had a minor role in the same movie Jude was playing in too. The two had been flirting on the set during the last weeks, ever since Nikki had literally pushed her to finally open up and loosen up a bit too.

"It was alright. He's funny and really nice." Jude began, and then stopped because she didn't know what to say. Nora hadn't met Dave yet and Jude found it being difficult to describe him. He was nothing like a certain someone she didn't want to think about, but he was nice and Jude really liked him. "He took me out to a little diner and it was great. He knew the owner and waiters and they gave us the best table and it was different, but in a good way. All in all it was pretty romantic, I guess. And he's a good kisser." Jude added in the end, not able to hide the broad grin any longer. Before Nora had been looking ahead, just like Jude did, but at her last words she stopped and looked at Jude more closely.

"He kissed you? And does that mean you're going for a second date?" She asked sounding somewhat proud and excited. Jude nodded and grinned at her friend. Nora had become like a bigger sister to her and was sort of replacing Sadie, or at least she filled most of the gap that there had been in Jude's life without her sister.

"Oh I so need to meet him! So much to your "he's just being nice, he probably doesn't even want me and only asked me out because Nikki kept making jokes about it". I told you he'd be crazy to not want you." Nora claimed forcefully and started walking again, pulling Jude with her. "Oh, what I wanted to tell you, I asked a few people and listened around and I think I got a job for you. They are searching for a female lead for a romance/comedy-thingy and I think you'd be perfect for it. The producer thinks so too and if you want I'll arrange an audition for you. In Paris."

Jude remained silent and looked ahead without reacting to Nora's words. She didn't know what to say or what to feel. Sure, she was excited and happy about the oportunity, but it also meant that her time in London and at the set was coming to an end. After everything had changed when she had left Toronto, she had just gotten out of the depression and the funk she had still been in because of Tommy. She was just starting to move on and had found friends and even a really nice guy. But the movie would be all done in a few weeks and then everyone she had gotten close to would go and hunt for another job at a different movie. Jude hated thinking about going to a new set once again.

"Hey! Jude, did you even hear me?" Nora asked and smacked Jude's arm playfully.  
"Yeah I did. I just don't know what to say." Jude admitted, feeling stupid for her thoughts but found herself unable to just pretend that everything was alright. Besides, this was her new big sis she was talking too, she had no reason to hide anything.

"Look, Jude, I know that you're probably worried about the future. Don't think I haven't noticed how you've changed and slowly opened. I know that you must feel like things are finally falling into place and now every thing's going to be over again, but it's gonna be alright, I promise. I've been working with so many actors and actresses and I know that in the beginning it's hard, but you'll find new friends and the true ones will stay. I'm sure that you and Nikki for example will manage to stay friends, even if you might won't always be in the same city. And you and I will stay friends too, I promise you that. Especially when you will finally cave in and make me your official manager, then we'll have no choice but to hold up the contact!" Nora laughed and placed her arm comfortingly around Jude's shoulders. It reminded Jude once more of Sadie and the good times they had. She really missed her sister.

"Alright, I'll trust you with this then and won't worry. So tell me more about that movie. Where will be the shootings again? Because I just heard Paris, as in Paris, France?!" Jude asked after she had taken a deep breath and the smile was back on her face again.

"It's in Paris, France, yes. And the producer and I are old friends, you'll love it in Paris and I'll even come with you for a few weeks since I'll be there for business anyways..."

_Flashback End_

* * *

"Yeah, it's really sad to see what we've come down to. But now that we're not only on the same continent and in the same country, but also in the same city for some time, I'm sure we can make up for some of the lost time, huh?" Nora asked and winked at Jude. Nora was about five years older than Jude and she had felt a connection to the younger girl from the very beginning. She now couldn't help but be proud of the woman Jude had become in the last three years. When they had first met, Jude had been naïve in a good way and inexperienced in the film business, but now she had not only matured but also this new attitude about her. Back then in London Jude had been obviously sad about something and everyone had seen that she was trying to get over something. Now she was more self confident and she looked truly content and happy.

"That would be great." Jude agreed, but then she grew more serious again, remembering what had brought her to her old friend. It was somehow weird to think that she knew Nora for only three years and was yet calling her an old friend. "Ok, since I know that you don't have much time for me, I'll just get straight to the point. There are some things you don't know about me and about my past that I probably shouldn't have kept from you." Jude began without further stalling. She knew that Nora, just like Nikki, had been curious about her past from the very beginning, but she hadn't bugged Jude about it and Jude had always been grateful for that.

"My real name isn't Jude Johnson. I changed my last name into Johnson three years ago, shortly before I came to London and we met. My real name is Jude Harrison and I've won a singing contest called "Instant Star" in Canada when I was 15. I got a three album contract with G-Major, a record label in Toronto and I worked there before I came to London. I had personal issues back then and it's a pretty long and complicated story. But the thing it all comes down to is that I couldn't take it anymore as Jude Harrison, so I left town and changed my name the day I had fulfilled my contract and was free to go. I hadn't had contact with anybody from my past life before I came to New York a few days ago. I had actually hoped to never have to face the person I was ever again, which was why I had always refused to do movies on this side of the ocean cause I didn't want to risk recognition. Well, just as I had feared, my old manager recognized me on some photos and visited me in my hotel room three days ago. He offered me a new contract and when I refused he asked me to at least do one last concert, you know, for the fans and everything since my last album seems to have gone multiple platinum and it must have gotten some awards too. The thing is, that although I didn't want to admit it, he's right. I need to do this concert for my fans and for myself. To make a clean break you know?" Jude paused and took another deep breath.

"What I'm trying to say is that I wanted to inform you of everything and talk to you about that concert. I was wondering if maybe, since you're my manager and everything, maybe you could arrange and organize the whole thing together with Darius? It would really mean a lot to me, because I really don't want to deal with him and everyone else I used to know. Please?" Jude finished, sounding kind of breathless since she had spoken pretty fast. She tried to shield herself mentally from whatever reaction Nora would show. If she'd hate her or forgive her the lies as easily as Nathan did, Jude knew that she just would have to deal with it. And even though she didn't feel ready, she would do whatever she could to make it up to Nora.

"So you're actually a professional singer? And you changed your name?" Nora asked slowly.

"Yup, that's me." Jude answered somewhat sheepishly, still not sure what to expect from her manager/friend.

"Alright, then I assume that from now on I can look for musicals and other parts that involve singing too, right?" Nora questioned, but didn't really expect an answer and started typing something into her PC.

"Ehm, Nora, is that all? No comment, no nothing?"

"What did you expect? That I'd hate you because you didn't tell me you were a singer once?" Nora looked up at Jude with an amused smile on her lips. Jude felt stupid but nodded. "Pretty much something like that, yeah."

She couldn't yet believe that she was once again so easily off the hook. She either had really good but strange friends, or she had somehow missed an important fact that made all the lies unimportant.

"Please, I always knew you were hiding something about your past. But I also knew that you'd tell me whenever you're ready, so I didn't pressure you. Admitted, I didn't expect something as crazy as this, but whatever. This changes nothing between us, does it? And from what you said, you'll still have me as your manager, so as long as you'll tell me that complicated and very long story of yours, I'd say we're still friends. You're like my little sister, and sisters are for life." Nora told the younger woman, now smiling warmly. Jude began to grin too. This was nearly too good to be true.

"Aw, thanks big sis, I love you too. And no, it of course doesn't change anything between us. But about musicals, god no. I won't do something cheesy like that. But these movies about singers, like Coyote Ugly, I'm all for it. But no musicals, please!"

"Alright. About the name thing, do you still want to go by Jude Johnson, or do you want to change it back?" Nora asked, sounding more businesslike again.

"Ehm, I honestly haven't thought about that yet. Until a few hours ago, I hadn't even decided if I wanted to really do the concert..." Jude trailed off, thinking about all the other stuff she would have to decide now and all the questions she would have to answer. Nothing to look forward too was the press, for sure.

"Well, the media will have a field day of course, but there's no reason why it should end up badly for you. You've got nothing to hide, after all. If I were you, I'd stick with Jude Johnson though. I mean I don't know how famous you were, but "JJ" is like your trademark. And it sounds good too."

"Yeah, yeah you're right I guess. When I think about it, I don't wanna be Jude Harrison again anyways. I'm just not that person anymore. I'm Jude Johnson and I don't want to let people doubt that even for one minute." Jude paused and thought about what she had just said. She really liked her new name and her new life, so why change anything about it?

"Alright, Nora, thanks for being so great about this. I gotta go though, I have a meeting at the set in a few hours and I've been up for hours already so I need to go to the hotel and get ready. Ehm, could you maybe call Darius Mills, or rather G-Major, and tell them that I'm doing the concert, but only if they make it happen before Tuesday, since the shootings start then. Today's Thursday, so maybe they could make it happen on Sunday night? That would be great." Jude told her manager while standing up and walking over to the door.

"Sure, I'll talk to the guy. I heard a lot about him, they say he's kinda bossy?" Nora asked with raised eyebrows. Jude chuckled and answered while she was slipping into her jacket.

"Oh trust me, he is. But he really wants me for this concert so he shouldn't make any problems. Just tell him that I'll ask another label if he can't manage it. Oh, and tell him that I don't want anymore surprises from the past. I don't want to see Tommy or anyone else."

"Tommy?"

"Don't ask, it's part of the very long and very complicated story. Darius will know what I'm talking about. Thanks again for doing this. Call me, alright?"

"I will, Jude. I'll see you, and don't let them get you down." Nora called after her friend and client before she reached for the phone and made some calls. This really promised to be one hell of a week.

* * *

When Jude climbed out of her limo and headed for the entrance of the hotel, she was so occupied with typing a SMS on her blueberry, that she didn't even notice Tommy approaching at first. But when he suddenly stood in her way and a shadow fell on her face, she looked up.

"Hello Jude." He said in a low tone that made Jude's heart beat faster. She hated that he still had that effect on her, but it probably was mostly the guilt, or so she figured. She knew that she would have to pay eventually for just leaving him like that in the morning.

"Hey Tommy, what a coincidence." Jude began and tried to act casual, but her voice sounded fake even in her own ears. But what she hated the most was Tommy's knowing smile.

"You know, you might have changed, but I still can read you like an open book, girl." Tommy said and chuckled at Jude's pouting expression. He could literally see how annoyed she was that she couldn't argue with that.

"Yeah well, then why are you here? I mean even if you couldn't read me like an open book, you should have got the hint this morning. When someone sneaks out without saying goodbye or leaving a note, it usually means that they do not want to talk. Same thing goes for not answering the phone or the million messages on voice mail. What else does a woman got to do to get rid of you?" Jude asked challenging and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She saw Tommy look her over and was suddenly glad that she hadn't just put on something this morning when she had left the house for coffee, but had spent some time on choosing a cute outfit. Not for Tommy of course.

"Maybe she shouldn't break down and fall asleep, crying, in my arms. Maybe she shouldn't be so obviously affected by it and so easy to read, and that even so she's said to be a great actress. And maybe she shouldn't make me act so insane around her that I always say and do the wrong things and regret it terribly afterwards." Tommy told her quietly, leaning in more closely while speaking so that he whispered the last words into her left ear. Neither of them failed to notice the shivers that ran down Jude's spine.

"Tommy, don't do this. I never said I was perfect, I never said my life is. But I'm happy with the way things are, and maybe, if you hadn't made such a mess out of everything and kept bringing up the past, maybe I wouldn't have had a break down in the first place. I have a new life now, and you're not a part of it, god how often do I have to tell you this?! You always said that BoyzAttack was in another life for you, and you're sort of my BoyzAttack. You always said that you're a guy with a lot of baggage, well guess what, I'm a woman with baggage now too." Jude said and finally pushed Tommy away.

Tommy sighed, realizing that he wouldn't be able to change her mind right now on the street in front of her hotel. He would need more time to prepare and more time in general, he couldn't afford making her run from him and stay hidden for another three years.

"Alright, I'll stop for now. But there's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Just give me five minutes somewhere where we can talk in private and I'll stop showing up on your doorstep or calling you all day. Please, I promise I won't bring up the past." Tommy pleaded, hoping that she'd go for it. If she didn't, he didn't know what else to do. Because this was an appeal to their old friendship, to everything they had shared besides the obvious chemistry. To the friendship neither of them had been willing to give up, even though they had hurt each other often enough.

Jude locked gazes with Tommy for about a minute, trying to figure out what he was planning and if he was saying the truth.

"Alright. Five minutes." She said and sighed, knowing that she'd probably regret it. But she couldn't just say no to him when he was so sincere. And if he did start talking about them again, she could just leave and at least say that she gave him a chance to be something like a friend.

The two walked into the Plaza, Tommy following Jude with a wide grin on his face. When she turned around to him in the middle of the lobby, he quickly changed his expression and looked nearly neutral at her. She shook her head knowingly but gave him a weak smile.

"I have to go up to my room and change first; I got a meeting at the set in a hour. But if you could wait down here for 20 minutes, we could talk then for five minutes. Just wait at the bar and drink a coffee on my bill, alright?" Jude asked, signaling the concierge that was coming over to them that everything was fine. Tommy gave the concierge a triumphing smile before he answered Jude.

"Ok, I'll wait. But I'll pay for my own coffee." He smiled his typical reckless and cheeky smile that reminded Jude of the hell of a mischievous boy he once must have been and of all the stories she had heard about his rebel times in BoyzAttack.

"Do whatever you want, but I think by now I have about as much money as you do, if not even more. Especially since now I can finally access my Jude Harrison accounts again without being afraid of you showing up on my doorstep. From what I heard there must be quite a lot of money now, since my last album seems to have done pretty well." She winked at his stunned face and walked away, now smiling herself. It was true, she really hadn't gotten any money from her old accounts since she had left Toronto, even if she had just realized that this morning. She had taken quite a chunk of money in cash with her to London and afterwards the movie had gone so great and her pay had gotten better with every movie, that she had never really had money troubles. Hence no need to access her old accounts when her new ones were filled enough.

Tommy looked after the beautiful blonde even though she had already vanished into a elevator. Then he suddenly snapped out of his daze and shook his head amused at Jude's words. It was so typical Jude. Though he hated to admit that she might even be right. Sure, BoyzAttack had been popular and pretty big, but it's been years since then and though Tommy didn't have any money troubles and was well paid by G-Major, he hadn't forgotten that Chaz and the others had been broke quite a few times during the last years.

* * *

So, please review. I know that some don't regulary review, but it would be nice to just get a certain feedback. And even if it's just "keep going" or "good work" or whatever. It's what keeps me going.

Hope you enjoyed it. ;)

Kathy


	13. Chapter 13

Hey guys... So here's the next chapter.

Just had a day from hell. Had a paper due to today which was about 50% of my grade in that subject, but I also had a exam today in chemistry. So I finished my paper this morning at three a.m. and went to sleep for three hours. But I had barely studied for chemistry. So in school our teacher tells us, that we can also turn in the paper next week because some people haven't made it for today with some stupid excuses. So I tried to learn for chemistry in my free period. Sadly I didn't cover two pages of my map, which were about half of the exam, meaning that I couldn't do the second half. Since I write Latin the day after tomorrow, I can't even relax today but had to keep right on with studying... I would kill for it being wednesday afternoon already.

But since I know that you probably don't care about my day, I'll just give you this chapter. Since I'm sick of studying, I decided to reread it to distract me, so here it goes ;)

Enjoy Reading!

* * *

_**13. You Kissed Me Back**_

* * *

_**"Say you're sorry **_  
_**That face of an angel **_  
_**Comes out just when you need it to **_  
_**As I paced back and forth all this time **_  
_**Cause I honestly believed in you **_  
_**Holding on **_  
_**The days drag on **_  
_**Stupid girl, **_  
_**I should have known, I should have known**_

_**I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale..."**_

_**White Horse - Taylor Swift**_

* * *

In her room Jude was standing in front of her closet and tried to decide what to put on. Every few seconds she glanced at the clock and found herself getting more and more frustrated. She hated having to rush like this. She always had an unique look and style that was famous itself, she had a talent for just throwing together simple things and, with the right accessoires, look amazing in them all the time. She never walked around in sleazy clothes and was then caught by the press.

Just like Jude had begun to love acting and playing different characters, she had also begun to love fashion. But not the kind of fashion that was only following the trends. No she rather set her owns. She was usually casual and so was her style, but when she went to a party, she could pull off a exquisite evening gown from a top designer, of course designed just for her, just as well. And without Sadie always telling her what looked good and what didn't, she even found herself loving to dress up.

Jude sighed when she realized that she had promised Tommy that she'd be with him again in only seven minutes. She grabbed a long sleeved, black blouse with thin grey/white stripes and an also black, but "used black", tight jeans and began changing. Then she added a little purse that was made of velvet and had beautiful pattern out of pearls on it and a necklace with a sparkling diamond . She looked herself over in the mirror and decided that she could leave the house like that.

_It looks maybe a little bit too casual, but I meet most of the crew for the first time and they shouldn't think that I'm a diva. Plus if I dress up too much Tommy will only think that I'm doing it for him. Which I don't. _

Wondering why she had been stupid enough to say "yes" to him, she walked down the hallway in her new high heels and waited in front of the elevator impatiently, because even though she didn't want to, she really was curious what Tommy wanted from her.

Tommy was sitting at the bar, sipping his coffee with his back towards Jude when she entered the room. Her serious face was replaced by a soft smile when she saw the second coffee cup next to Tommy. He really was sweet, even though he had known that she had no time, he had still ordered for her, so that she could drink it.

_Or maybe he's just very thirsty. Get a grip, girl. He's not a frigging Prince Charming and this isn't a fairytale._

"So, here I am. Sorry that it took me a little longer." Jude said while sitting down next to him.

"No problem. I ordered you a coffee, it should be cold enough to drink by now, I ordered it like a few minutes ago." Tommy said with one of those charming smiles he was so famous for.

"Just talk already Tommy, I don't have much time." Jude forced herself to stay brief and serious. She wouldn't let him sweet talk her once again. Tommy looked somewhat disappointed but he quickly covered it up and acted indifferently too.

"I just wanted to tell you, that you shouldn't not do the concert only because of me. I know that you don't want to see me right now, and I guess that you're not exactly eager to face the music again either, but you have to think about your fans too. Don't you think you owe it to them? Besides, how could you give up singing? I still don't get that. I mean you practically lived for it. It was like breathing for you and you have such an amazing voice. I know how it is to ban singing from your life, and believe me, I know it doesn't feel too good in the long run. Don't you always feel like something's missing? Don't you long for a guitar whenever your world seems to crash down around you? You might have convinced yourself that you're Jude Johnson now, but Jude Harrison will always be a part of you, no matter what you do." Tommy finished passionately. His eyes showed so many deep and sincere emotions and Jude knew that he really meant every word he had said. She wondered how he had managed to not sing for so many years when he had felt like that.

"I'm happy for you." She said without thinking. Tommy looked at her confused and she continued. "I'm happy for you that you began to sing again. I've always waited for that day to come because I knew how much you missed it. I always wanted to tell you "I told you so!" And I always wanted to be your producer." Jude trailed off, remembering how she had made the deal with the devil aka Darius Mills to get "Frozen" back for Tommy. She had been so ecstatic back then about the whole idea. And so crushed when Tommy hadn't liked it.

"Too bad I wasn't around. But like I said, I really am glad that things are falling into place for you, even though I'm not around to see it happen." Jude quickly said when he opened his mouth to say something, sensing that it would be something about the past. Tommy closed his mouth again, paused and then spoke up again.

"You know you can always drop by the studio any time you want. Jen and I are working there about all day usually." Tommy told her smiling and reached for her hand. But Jude pulled away as if she had been burned and the moment between them was over.

"Oh right, you and your **wife**. I'm glad that you have fun together and that you seem to connect musically too. I repeat, I'm happy for you, but we're different people, Tom. While singing might be "it" for you, it might not be "everything" for me. I know that I have talent and I love it, but the same goes for acting. And about the concert, you didn't need to come here and convince me. I already told my manager that I'll do it and told her to call Darius. Did you really think I would base the decision on you? Please, get over yourself. The only reason I had to think about it was because I wasn't sure how the media would take it. Because I'm **not** Jude Harrison anymore and I don't want **anyone** to get the wrong idea. This is nothing but a good-bye concert." Jude paused and took a deep breath. She was really talking way too fast.

"Besides, I won't see you anyways, because I made that one of the conditions. And I'm sure that Darius is all too willing to agree with me. So thanks for worrying, but don't rack your pretty head over my problems. My best wishes to your wife and your daughter. See you, hopefully, never again!" She told Tommy with a fake smile and walked away. Leaving a stunned and confused Tommy behind. But he wasn't half as stunned as Jude was herself.

Why couldn't she keep her cool around him? Why did him mentioning his wife made her all upset? She couldn't still be in love with him. There was just no freaking way she would let that happen.

* * *

"Miss Johnson? Are you even listening?" Mr Margin asked irritated. He was one of the people who was paying for Nathan's latest project, this very movie, and he was currently holding a speech to the assembled crew and cast. Only that barely anyone was listening. Jude was no exception and caught up in her own world, but unfortunately she had missed a question or something and so now she was caught.

"Oh, ehm, yes, of course I am. I'm sorry." She answered quickly, straightening up in her seat.

"I was just asking you and Mister Newswick if you would like to say a few words to everyone?" The man asked annoyed. Jude had to fight the urge to roll her eyes, that man had a reputation to be eccentric and she didn't like him already.

"Oh, no, ehm I mean, no thank you." Jude quickly said, looking around, seeing the friendly smiles in the faces of the others. "I don't think there's anything I have to say that I couldn't just tell everyone while we're shooting." Jude smiled now confidently too, glad that no one seemed to think she was some stuck up diva.

"Alright, Mr Newswick?" The elderly man continued. Jude was probably the only one in the room who now didn't look over to Ed. She kept her stare firmly on the stage, refusing to even look her ex-fiancés way, while praying that he wouldn't say yes.

"Actually, I'd love to." Ed replied smugly, he stood up gracefully and gave Nathan a cold look while walking by. When he stood in front of everyone his eyes found Jude and he stared at her more or less blatantly the whole time, hoping that she'd at least glance at him at some point.

"I just wanted so say that I'm happy to be here with you all and that I'm excited about this movie. I haven't been in this city for more than a couple of days before and I can't wait to see more of the big apple. I'm also very glad to have another chance to work with my close friend Jude Johnson, who sadly is still turning me down every time I talk to her." He finished with a wink and smiled charmingly while everyone except Nathan and Jude laughed. "For all of you for whom this is the first movie: I'm sure you'll all do great. And for all of you who have been here and done that before: I can't wait to hear all the stories and the gossip!"

The minute the meeting was over Nathan went over to Jude and asked her if she was alright. She just nodded and stared angry over to Ed who was now surrounded by several other actors and mainly actresses.

"How does he do it?" Jude asked frustrated. "How does he make himself "everybody's darling" in no time and makes me look like the cold hearted ex and him like the victim? Why is he so damn charming and so good looking?"

"Can't help you with that, Jude. But that's usually the way things go, the assholes are the ones everybody loves. Although, whatever he did to you to make you hate him, he at least didn't give you any bad publicity. Quite the opposite actually, he openly admits that it was you who ended things. This is really unusual." Nathan said, looking at Jude expectantly.

"Nice try, but I won't tell you. This is none of your business." Jude retorted with a weak smile. She knew that Nathan was dying to know and she hated keeping things from him especially since he always was so loyal. He hated Ed without even knowing the reason, just because she did. He had even fought with the investors who wanted Ed in the movie, just because of Jude and he had nearly lost the whole movie.

"Someday I'll find out anyways. And it can't be that bad!" Nathan argued, even though he knew it was in vain. They had had this conversation about a million times and even though Jude usually kept nothing from him and always caved in, in this matter she didn't.

"It's bad enough. I won't tell you, so just let it be already. I'm not in the mood to have this conversation right now." Jude said dismissively. She knew that if Nathan knew he'd either punch Ed or he'd just kick him out of the studio which would lead to him losing his job. Plus one shouldn't have Ed Newswick as your enemy in this business. He was not only world-wide famous for his talent, his charm and his good looks, but also for his connections and his money. If he wanted he could have destroyed Jude's career after they had broken up and Jude knew that just too well.

"In a bad mood, Jude? What's up darling?" Ed beat Nathan for a response and caused both, Jude and Nathan, to turn around quickly. Jude glared at him while Nathan looked half upset half confused and was looking back and forth between Jude and Ed who were entangled in one of their very own starring matches. The two of them always had had great chemistry and had known just how to push each other's buttons. It had been funny and cute when they had been a couple, and everyone, including Nathan, had thought they were the perfect couple and made for each other, but now that they weren't together any longer the tension hadn't gone away, but only increased further.

"You're up. Way up high there on your horse. Too bad that you're not prince charming, Ed. How long do you think you can fool those girls?" Jude retorted disgustedly without missing a beat. She was more than ready to have it out with Ed right now. She hated how he always made everyone feel for him. She herself had to remind herself often enough of what he had done and she hated that he made it so easy to forget the bad things. She hated that he had been the perfect boyfriend and fiancé in just so many aspects.

"Well, I sure did fool you long enough, didn't I? Miss "I-see-through-you" accepted my proposal after all. Ever thought that maybe I'm not the devil himself, Judy?" He asked and raised one of his eyebrows, knowing just too well how that made Jude feel. She had once told him that she loved men who were able to that, especially since she couldn't raise just one eyebrow herself. Jude's glare intensified, knowing exactly what he was thinking right now. How dare he trying to use something like that against her?

"Yeah well, in the end the evil is always defeated, no matter how many great things it might have to offer. Actually I'm still waiting for the day you'll come to work with horns and a tail and this stupid big fork-thing!" Jude gave him a sweet smile and was about to turn away from him, but he was faster and didn't let her.

"I think "trident" is the word you're searching for, love." Ed said chuckling. It was so typical Jude to start forgetting words when she was mad and her descriptions were so cute, just like she was when she was mad.

"I'm not your darling, nor your love or your anything else! I'm nothing to you that includes the word your, except for your worst enemy! Are we clear?" Jude asked him angrily, approaching him quickly while speaking, not realizing that when she stopped their faces were only inches apart or that everyone in the room was looking at them by now.

"Crystal." Ed whispered. Jude began to look somewhat satisfied and was about to step back, when Ed added something. "And you're right. Your worst enemies are always those you love, because you just can't fight them."

"Stop. Fucking **stop**!" Jude yelled. "Stop acting like you **care**. Stop saying these things, when I know that they are just lies. This all is nothing but a big game to you, huh? Well here's a newsflash for you, grow up and accept that you lost! You fucking **lost** me and I won't ever get back together with you, not as long as I have a little bit self esteem left! And every other woman better do the same if she wants to be left with any pride. Because you **destroy** whatever you get close to. Just like you nearly destroyed me. But I didn't cave in and you can't take that, can you? That's why you're still after me. You don't care about me, you don't love me, you're not even capable of those feelings. But you can't take it, you can't take me knowing the truth, me leaving you behind!"

Jude was breathing heavily, she had screamed all her frustration out and all her anger and the only things left were now the emotions she tried to run from. Fear. Hurt. She still cared and she hated it. He could still hurt her and she hated it. Now that she had gotten her anger out, she suddenly noticed all the people around her, all the eyes staring at her. And she noticed just how close she and Ed were. And he did too.

"You're right, I just can't take it anymore." He said huskily and closed the gap between them, kissing her fiercely. His hands cupping her face, holding her still so that she couldn't pull away in the last moment.

Nathan inhaled sharply, awaiting the inevitable. Jude would explode now. She would push him away and probably castrate him with her bare hands. Or at least kick him somewhere where it would hurt him for the rest of his life. They say between love and hate is only a thin line and as much as Jude had once loved him, now she hated him with every fiber of her being. Or so Nathan thought.

But to the surprise of everyone in the room, Jude didn't push Ed away or physically hurt him in any other way. In the first moment she just stood still, obviously shocked. Then she – responded. Her arms found their way around Ed's torso and were pulling him close.

Just when the watchers were about to comprehend what was going on, so to say after a few seconds, Jude suddenly seemed to realize what was going on too, because suddenly the arms that had just held her ex-fiancé close were now pushing him away forcefully.

"How dare you?" Jude asked dangerously low. She pointed her finger at the shocked and stunned looking Ed who was also still processing everything that had just happened. Also the corners of his lips were slightly up and it looked like he was about to smile. "How dare you doing something like that? How dare you touching me again after what you did? It wasn't me who lied, it wasn't me who... who..." Jude stopped herself before she said something she would regret later. Remembering the little deal she and Ed had made the day she had left him. She couldn't tell anybody what had happened or what she had learned and he would leave her alone and not try to get revenge or anything.

"Don't you ever do something like this again, or else..." Jude threatened giving Ed a look that promised him hell if he did kiss her again. Then she abruptly turned around and stormed away.

Nathan walked up to Ed and hissed "Bastard" into his ear before running after Jude. Ed looked around and tried to appear casually but failed miserably. He realized quickly that everyone had not only seen everything but wouldn't quit starring at him anytime soon.

"What are you staring at? Mind your own business!" Then he got up and left too. As soon as he had left the room he reached for his cell while walking quickly down the hallways. He pressed the "1" on speed dial and waited patiently until someone picked up, then he grinned triumphantly while getting into his limo, even though it only was mailbox.

"Just for the record, you kissed me back." He ended the call and told his driver to take him back to the hotel with a satisfied grin on his face. He had known that he had messed up badly with Jude, but this changed everything. This short kiss meant that he wasn't fighting a lost battle any longer. She had made a mistake now and he'd be damned if he wouldn't use it to get back what was rightfully his. Jude Johnson.

* * *

So, that was that. Surprised huh? At least I hope you were. The end's coming into sight now. Though I might do a sequel, not sure about that yet. Anyways, soon you'll know what happened with Jude and Ed and what will happen with Jude and Tommy ;)


	14. Chapter 14

_**14. Glimpses of the Past**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**"Even if you were a million miles away **_  
_**I could still feel you in my bed **_  
_**Near me, touch me, feel me **_  
_**And even in the bottom of the sea **_  
_**I can still hear inside my head **_  
_**Telling me, touch me, feel me **_  
_**And all the time you were telling me lies**_

_**So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you"**_

_**(Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart - Alicia Keys)**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

"What do you want Eric? I thought I've made myself clear, I don't want nothing to do with you." Jude said annoyed to the guy follwing her through the hallways of the bid concert hall. It was the night of her first award. She had just won her frist award as the best actress for her part in her first movie, that had been released months ago "Not Looking Back". She had played Lisa Forster, who had been a girl leaving her small town home to live her dream. By now Jude had already finished her second movie, even though this time she hadn't been the main character, since it had been a bigger movie with other real stars in it, she had still gained a lot of fans.

"Why so shy, JJ? You're hot, you're famous and you're said to be great in bed." Eric said lowly and Jude felt his hot and wet breath on her skin. She felt how a shiver ran down her spine and it wasn't a very good feeling. This guy was way too slimy for her taste and too creepy. She walked a little bit faster to get away from him but retorted without missing a beat in a disgusted tone.

"Why do guys like you always think you're god's gift to the world? And why in hell do you always have to insinuate that I'm a slut? You slept with more girls than I will ever sleep with guys, yet you are the honorable cool man while I'm the little slut?" Jude asked loudly and annoyed. How she hated guys like Eric, they were always so full of themselves. So what if she sometimes tended to end up in some random guy's bed after a night of partying? That didn't mean that she wanted to have sex with every male on two feet. She still had certain demands and expectations a guy had to fulfill. With someone like Eric Prest she would never ever end up anywhere, no matter how drunk she was. He might have the money and the looks, but he had no respect for women and was an idiot, to say it simply.

Suddenly Eric grabbed Jude from behind and shoved her against the wall. She let out a little scream as much out of surprise as out of hurt.

"What the hell? Are you frigging-" She began, not calm enough to feel fear just yet.

"Don't run away while I'm talking to you." Eric told her with a strange gleam in his eyes that made Jude shut up. He looked slightly crazy when one looked at him like that. The minute Jude noticed that was the minute it dawned on her, that maybe Eric wasn't just another one of those stupid cocky idiots but a clever and very perverse asshole. And that maybe, maybe she really should have started running a few moments earlier.

But before she could think much more what she should have done or could still do, Eric was pulling her into a room that turned out to be some kind of big closet. He shut the door behind him and quickly pinned Jude against the only free wall between the shelves with his body pressed against hers.

"Don't do this Eric. Just let me go and I'll forget this ever happened." Jude told him with a pleading look in her eyes, amazed at how calm and stable her voice sounded when the fear and the shock was making her nauseous.

"I won't do anything you don't want me to. In fact I'll only do what you want me to." Eric whispered huskily and Jude nearly screamed when she felt something hard poke her through his jeans. She tried to push him away, but he had her arms caught between their two bodies and he was way too strong for her.

"So you'll go off and castrate yourself?" Jude asked, ignoring the sickening fear and letting her defiance take over. She knew that there was nothing she could really do, he was too strong and no one knew where she was. So now she could either plead and cry and let that sick bastard enjoy it, or she could try to at least annoy the hell out of him. And she wasn't one to back down just like that. She still had that temper she used to be infamous for.

Her comment earned her a glare and a slap that made her head spin. Tears shot into her eyes but she didn't let them fall. She even managed to hold her head up high again a few seconds later. Eric wasn't too pleased to see that. Before Jude could even comprehend what was happening she felt her head being thrown left then right and two sharp jolts of pain radiating from her cheeks. He had slapped her again, two times on both sides.

"Cry, Jude, cry for me. Plead with me, beg me to take you right here." Eric whispered, audibly aroused by the whole scene. Jude felt how she was close to the breaking point. She had heard about this before, the moment where the vicitms caved in. Some said one just became numb to everything. She hoped that that was true.

Suddenly a noise from the hallway caught Eric's and Jude's attention and a few moments later the closet door was opened. The intruder ripped Eric from Jude and shoved him into the shelves. He punched him into the face, then released him. Eric sank to the floor, seemingly unconscious. Now Jude was able to see her savior properly for the first time.

* * *

"Are you alright?" He asked. Jude had to think first then answered slowly while reaching up to her hurting cheeks with both hands. But before she was able to touch them, the guy she had recognized as Edward Newswick, the famous actor who had announced her award, had softly grabbed her hands and shook his head, indicating that she shouldn't touch her cheeks.

Jude's eyes shot open, she was breathing fast and the shock was still in her bones. She sat up in her bed and looked around wildly and cautiously for a few seconds until she had fully realized that it had just been a nightmare.

_And here I thought I was done with that dream._

She sighed. Back then Ed had saved her from a true nightmare and had helped her deal with it. She had gotten close to him and eventually had fallen for him. What had made him out stand from all her other boyfriends was that he had truly been her friend first, even though both had felt the chemistry from the beginning. He had once even gently let her down, knowing that she wasn't ready yet and just trying to get over something else. He had been the one who had made the nightmares of Eric stop. He had been the first guy she had truly felt save with ever since she had started over. He had been the one she had turned to when she had found out someone had been stalking her. He had helped her learn how to love, how to truly trust, again.

She had been convinced that he was her soul mate, that he was the guy for her. She had loved him as much as she had loved Tommy; truly, unconditionally and wholeheartedly. That had been the reason that his betrayal had hurt her more than anything else. More than what her father had done, even more than that Tommy had left her on their first date.

_Well he does have guts, that I do have to admit. To just kiss me like that after everything. To actually think that I would ever take him back._

Jude groaned when she realized that ever since the last day, ever since he had kissed her, she hadn't been able to think about anything but him and that kiss. She had nearly thrown her cell against the next best wall when she had heard the message Ed had left her.

The thing was that he said the truth. She had kissed him back. She had let her body take over for a few seconds and now she'd have to face the consequences, she had shown a weakness. She had shown that she still cared, that she wasn't as repulsed by him as she let on. She hadn't completely crossed the line between love and hate yet but was walking on the very edge.

_But no matter what, I won't give in. Because I can't. And I'll make sure to get my point across. _

Jude stood with a determined look in her eyes. She grabbed her cell and made a few calls. Then she walked over to her closet and took out the well hidden guitar. She grabbed a few sheets of paper from a desk and a pen and sat back down on the bed.

* * *

Jude sat alone in a big conference room, staring into space lost in her thoughts while glancing at the clock from time to time. She knew that being late was an everyday occurrence in New York City, due to the unpredictable traffic and whatever else, but she was getting sick of waiting around all alone when she had been forced to come in the first place.

After what seemed like an eternity, Nora opened the door and entered the room, followed by Darius Mills in person and some blonde assistant of his. Nora sat down next to Jude and offered her friend/client a encouraging smile, while Darius and his blonde assistant sat down on the opposite side of the table.

"Jude, it's good to see you again. I'm glad you accepted my little offer. It'll mean a lot to your fans." Darius said without hesitation, grinning at her friendly. Jude gave him an indifferent look, after the nightmare and the stress of reliving everything she wasn't in the mood for chatting. She just wanted this meeting to get over with and be left alone again. And she found herself longing for her guitar and her pen and the privacy of her hotel room.

"Yes Darius I know. That's why I agreed to do the concert so let's quit the sweet talking and get to the point. I was told you had some stuff to discuss...?"

"Alright, let's talk business. I booked a hall for sunday night and everything will be taken care of. Soundcheck will be on sunday, 4 pm, the concert will start on 7:30, everything ok so far?" Darius asked, looking at Jude for confirmation. She nodded sharply, not really caring about the time. "Ok, next point. The press. I talked to your manager about this and she too thinks you should release an official statement today. From tonight on we'll be advertisingeverywhere to get the word out on such short notice and the tabloids won't need too long to find the connection between Jude Harrison and Jude Johnson." Darius wanted to go on but was interrupted by Nora.

"Jude, you don't have to give out that statement, but if they don't find out sooner, they'd find out at the concert and we don't want the media to print any rumors and give the story their own, probably pretty dramatic and unrealistic spin. So it's not a must, but I'd strongly suggest it. The thing is, they'll want interviews with you tomorrow and you will probably have to give at least one."

Jude looked at her friend with surprise written all over her face. Nora usually wasn't so worried or tentative with her.

"Ehm, thanks for the concern, but I think I can handle it. Give out the statement today, I don't care. And about the interview, just pick one more serious paper and tell me when and where." Jude told her manager confidently.

"That's the girl I know. See, I told you, Duras, Jude isn't one of those girls. She's able to cope with the situation at hand just fine." Darius told Nora smugly. Jude watched the exchange between her current and her ex-manager somewhat amused. She had already anticipated, that Darius and Nora would be quite a challenge for each other, since they really were pretty different. "About the set list, Jude, I-"

"You don't anything, D. Tell me when you need it and I'll e-mail it to you. And I'll decide which songs I play, alone. And I'll mainly sing stuff from my first two albums. But maybe the band should just know most of my songs, if that's possible, in case I want to change something. I don't really care about the backup band, but I don't want some dabblers who are just starting out, alright?" Jude demanded, she found it hard to imagine singing all her stuff without SME on the stage. For her the memories of performing and fooling around backstage always involved SME.

"Alright, alright. I guess that will work. I need it by tomorrow noon. But Jude, I know that you don't like singing songs of your third album, but eventually, you'll have to face what happened anyway, and your fans really loved your last album. I mean it made you like famous all over Canada and the States." Darius told her sincerely, the silent plea for her to think about it was obvious. Jude just nodded curtly, showing that she had understood.

She really appreciated Darius' subtle words up to now. She hadn't expected him to be quite as good to her as he was. He hadn't yet forced her to do anything nor told her that she would have to perform mostly songs of her third album. She silently wondered when Darius' had changed and what could possibly be the reason behind it.

"Good, now that everything's settled, I think we're done here." Nora stated after a few moments of silence. She was surprised to see just how **nice** Darius acted with Jude, she had not only heard a lot about him but gotten to know him at least a little during the last 24 hours and what she knew for sure, was that Darius usually wasn't half as friendly towards his artists.

Jude smiled and stood up, saying a quick "goodbye" to Darius and Nora before heading for the door. She stepped outside, her thoughts already ahead of her, planning to stop by Starbucks before going back to holing herself up in that comfortable suite of hers.

"Jude! Wait up a moment!" Darius' voice stopped her only meters away from the front exit. She turned around and looked at the tall black man suspiciously. He had a white envelope in his hand, waving a little with it.

"I totally forgot to give you this. Shay asked me to hand it to you personally and to make sure that you'd actually open and read it." Darius told her with a blank look, not giving away if he knew anything about what the letter was about. Jude starred at it confused. Why would Shay-Shay writer her a letter?

"How does he even know?" Jude asked, still not making any movements to take the letter Darius was now holding in front of her for her to take it.

"He was around when Miss Duras called me about your concert. I figured that there was no reason to lie to my nephew considering he'd find it out eventually anyways. Plus I didn't realize you two were still close…" He trailed off, obviously wondering if she had had contact with Shay that he didn't know of.

"Well, we're not. And we were not. I haven't seen him since… I think since he offered me to go on tour with him. It's been four years already, didn't realize it was so much." Jude said slowly while finally taking the letter. She was more than curious to know what it said.

**Jude **

**Never thought you'd get a letter from me, huh? Well, you know I'm always one to surprise. I was really impressed when I heard of where you've been the last three years and what you've done. The funny thing is that I've even seen you while you were MIA, but I had just written it off to that imagination of mine or something like that. Good to know I haven't gone crazy after all. Anyways, I was wondering, would you like to meet up some night? I'll be in the city for two more weeks and I'd love to catch up.**

**-Shay-**

"Catch up. After four years. Hell, I'd definitely have something to talk about." Jude muttered, a small smile on her face. She hadn't thought of Shay in ages and wondered if he still was the same arrogant but charming idiot he used to be back then.

"So, what does he want?" Darius asked, giving away only slight curiosity. Jude looked up, having for a moment forgotten he was even there.

"He wants to meet and catch up." She stated emotionless. She thought for a few more seconds and then grinned at Darius. "Tell him that he should give me a call sometime tomorrow. I don't doubt that he'll be able to get my number somehow." With that she turned and walked outside the building.


	15. Chapter 15

_**15. One Last Soundcheck**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**Welcome to the fallout **_  
_**Welcome to resistance **_  
_**The tension is here **_  
_**The tension is here **_  
_**Between who you are and who you could be **_  
_**Between how it is and how it should be**_

_**I dare you to move **_  
_**I dare you to move **_  
_**I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor **_  
_**I dare you to move **_  
_**I dare you to move **_  
_**Like today never happened **_  
_**Today never happened before**_

_**(Switchfoot - Dare You To Move)**_

* * *

„Ok Jude, then that's it, I think. Thanks for the interview and for being so open about everything. I hope the concert tonight goes well!" Bob said while he and Jude stood up.

„Oh, it was a pleasure, Bob. I love reading your paper. I can't wait to read what you make out of my long anecdotes." Jude replied politely and shook the older man's hand.

She said goodbye and walked out the door, exited the building and climbed right into the waiting limo. She glanced at her watch to find that she had about 20 minutes to get to the soundcheck. Barely enoug time, but if the traffic gods were good with her today, she would just make it in time.

„Give everything Pete, you know I hate being late for anything today. Today needs to be perfect." Jude told the driver who smiled at her through the rear view mirror and told her that he'd do his best.

Jude thought back to the interview she's had had minutes ago. Bob was a nice guy and he hadn't asked her any inappropriate questions, yet she had found it hard answering questions about her past. What was she supposed to say when he asked her if she missed her old friends, or if there was someone she missed more than the others? Or if it was hard finding good friends when you're famous? She was only human and leaving her old life behind had been hard and half of the time she thought of it as a mistake. The other half she knew that it had been the right thing to do and that the mistakes had been the things she had done to mess her old life up.

Her mind wandered back to the night before, she had been up all night, writing at her new song and perfecting it. She had enjoyed creating her own music again. And she had been a little bit nervous about the interview, she had mostly thought about an event that had occurred about six months ago.

_Flashback_

_Jude left the conference room and walked down the main stairs of the building. She had just met with Mr. Meyert, her lawyer. Some small company had sued Jude for supposedly stealing their idea for a movie. Meyert had just told her to not worry about it, since there was no proof nor any truth to it. Truth to be told, she hadn't really been worried anyways, the plaint was just too ridiculous to be taken seriously._

_Suddenly Jude stopped on the second last step and starred at a little black woman that was walking in her direction. She had curly hair and a certain sparkle in her eyes. Jude started running towards her and enveloped her in a big, bone crushing hug._

"_Kat! I can't believe it's really you!"Jude cried out loud, having trouble to believe that it was her childhood friend that was standing in front of her. When Kat went stiff under her arms and began to push Jude off, Jude stepped back with a hurt and confused expression._

"_Who are you? Do I know you?" Kat asked irritated, her eyes carelessly scanning over Jude's appearance. From the black hair to her scarlet red high-heels and perfectly manicured toes._

_Jude didn't answer, she just starred at the woman that used to be her best friend for 11 years. She couldn't understand that Kat wasn't recognizing her, that she wasn't even trying very hard. In fact, she looked like she was about to burst with happiness and like she wasn't interested in Jude at all. Suddenly Jude realized that she had no idea why her former best friend looked so happy and so alive and so… careless, like she had no worry in the whole wide world._

"_Excuse me, but do you know where I can find my husband, Derek Meyert? __Right now he's in a meeting with a client, a certain Miss Johnson, and I was told that he'd be here, somewhere." Kat asked, looking at Jude like if she was just some stranger. Still not recognizing who really was standing in front of her._

"_Uhm yes, sure. Mister Meyert is in the conference room. Should I give him a message?" Jude asked emotionless, for some reason not able to just tell Kat to go upstairs herself. Maybe she just wanted to know what was going on in her old friend's life, or maybe she was suddenly scared of being recognized by Kat if her husband told her that she was Jude Johnson. Jude didn't really know it herself._

"_Just tell him that I bought the perfect house for us. And that we're waiting for him." Kat told Jude in a cheery voice, she was obviously happy with her life right now and Jude couldn't help but smile at the enthusiasm of her friend._

"_Us? You've got a child?" Jude suddenly asked dumbfounded._

"_Yeah, James, he's one and half years old now. And Sophie's on her way." Kat told Jude proudly while rubbing her stomach. Jude inhaled sharply, only now noticing how big Kat's stomach was._

"_Oh, uhm, that's… great. Congratulations. I'll make sure your husband gets the message."_

"_Thank you. Have a nice day." And with that Kat walked away again, leaving the building through the main entrance. Just like that she had left Jude's life again, not even aware of whom she had left behind speechless – again._

_Flashback End_

Today Jude wasn't so shocked anymore and she wasn't speechless either. She wasn't blaming Kat for not recognizing her back then, she had disguised herself well and Kat probably hadn't wasted a thought about Jude in years. Jude was glad for her friend and hoped that Kat really was as happy as she had seemed that day. She had thought about maybe calling her someday after she had gotten her husband's number without being too suspicious, but had decided against it. Kat had left Toronto and had went straight out of her life long ago, it wasn't her place to now try and force herself back in Kat's life again.

"Ok, so now that everything's set with the band stuff, I'll go out there and make a short speech and sing a song. You check the acoustics and the minute I'm done I'm outta here." Jude told the not too friendly guy who was responsible for the sound check and everything. He just nodded and Jude walked out on the stage. She let her eyes glide over the empty hall and couldn't help but feel glad that no one was here. She knew which song she wanted to "perform" right now and she didn't want any audience for it, at least no audience she knew.

"Ok, so the song I'm going to perform now is called "You're NOT Sorry". All of you girls must know the feeling. You fell for a guy and he left you, broke your heart. And then when you're just about to be fine again, they come back, they tell you they're sorry and they think they're god's gift to you because they are "so sorry". And you just think: Who's supposed to buy that crap?" Jude said fiercely, her voice filled with mock and disdain. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and began singing.

_**All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around  
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down  
And it**__**'s taken me this long baby, but I figured you out  
And you think it would be fine again, but not this time around**_

_**You don't have to call anymore  
I won't pick up the phone  
This is the last straw  
Don't wanna hurt anymore**_

_**And you can say that you're sorry  
But I don't believe you baby,  
Like I did before  
You're not sorry. Oh-h-h no. No. No. **_

_**Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know  
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waitin' in the cold  
And you got your secrets and I'm tired of being last to know-ow  
And now you're asking me to listen cause its worked each time before**_

_**[But]**__** you don't have to call anymore  
I won't pick up the phone  
This is the last straw  
Don't wanna hurt anymore**_

_**And you can **__**[tell me]**__** that you're sorry  
But I don't believe you baby,  
Like I did before  
You're not sorry. No, no. Oh-h-hh-hh.  
You're not sorry. No, no. Oh-h-hh-hh. **_

_**You had me crawling for you honey  
And it never would have gone away no  
You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.**_

_**[So]**__** you don't have to call anymore  
I won't pick up the phone  
This is the last straw  
There's nothing left to beg for**_

_**And you can say that you're sorry  
But I don't believe you baby,  
Like I did before  
You're not sorry. No, no. Oh-h-hh-hh.  
You're not sorry. No, no. Oh-h-hh-hh.**_

Thank you. –And yeah, Quincy, this song's about you. I know you're somewhere around here and I know you've been listening even though I told you not to come. The song was written about you, Tom, and I hope you finally get the hint." With that Jude put the mic back and walked from the stage, pretending to be oblivious to the pair of blue, piercing eyes that were following her every move, seemingly oblivious to the guy that had appeared in the back of the hall a few moments after Jude had started her song.

"That was great. The song and the sound, everything's fine." Jude was told from behind. She turned around, her face stern and annoyed already. She wasn't used to feeling so troubled and to all these emotions coming to her at once. She had forgotten what it was like to sing about her feelings and how relieving yet exhausting it was.

"Thank you, can I go now?" Jude asked harshly. She winced at her own tone, but she had teary eyes and wasn't sure how much longer she could hold herself together. If there was something she didn't want, it was crying in public.

"Sure. You don't happen to have any idea where the backup band is? They were supposed to show up about half an hour ago. Maybe their flight's late, they come from Toronto…" The man trailed off, while Jude had started walking away, not giving a damn about her backup band or the schedule. But at the last word she stopped in her tracks and turned back around.

"From Toronto? What's their name?" Jude asked calmly. She knew that this had to be a coincidence, that this couldn't be the band she thought it was. She had made it clear when she had talked to Darius, that she didn't want to see anyone else from her past.

"Spidermans Mind Explosion, I think. And with them is our engineer for tonight, so I really hope they show up soon or they'll mess up our schedule."

"You gotta be kidding me." Jude whispered as the man walked away. She pulled out her cell and furiously dialed a few numbers. She then held it to her ears, tapping with her foot on the ground while waiting for someone to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Darius, are you trying to make me mad on purpose? Or are you just too dumb to go with my conditions? Have you lost your authority and you're artist now do what they want?"

"Jude?" Darius asked confused.

"Yeah D, it's Jude. The Jude you promised that there wouldn't be any people from my past and no Tommy today."

"Just calm down and tell me what's the problem, I'm sure–" Darius began but Jude rolled her eyes and cut him off.

"No, I'm not going to calm down. Quincy's walking around here somewhere, and it's just soundcheck! Then I hear that my back up band will be none other than Spiederman's Mind Explosion. So tell me, are frigging kidding me?"

"T's there? I told him to stay away! I'm sorry Jude, I thought he knew better than not to cross me." Darius said and almost sounded sincere. Almost.

"And what about Spied and the guys?" Jude questioned, noticing that he hadn't had an excuse for that.

"I'll admit that that's my fault, but you wanted a band that knows your songs, that can just go along with your new songs, and you'll have to admit that SME's the best candidate for all of that. You click with them, Jude, that's rare and that's why they will be your back up band tonight. You're the perfect team."

"Whatever D." With that Jude ended the call and put her cell away. She was still furious with Darius for going over her head, but she knew she had no arguments and she didn't want to cancel the concert, not after she had just been standing on the stage, feeling that she belonged up there, maybe more than in front of a camera.

Another factor that was causing her to end the call so abruptly, aside from the fact that she was already fed up with the conversation, was that Tommy was standing only a few meters from her, STARRING at her. If that wasn't a reason to freak out, then she didn't know what was.

_At least I haven't gone __completely crazy yet. My feeling that Tommy was somewhere near was right. But somehow I can't decide if that's good or not. How am I supposed to get over him, if I can still sense him?_

"Tom. So my guts weren't wrong, huh?" Jude asked after a few minutes of silence. She grew more and more uncomfortable under his stare and just didn't know what to do with herself.

"That song was… different from your old ones." Tommy said slowly, ignoring her nervous question.

"Yeah." Jude agreed. She tried to fight it, but couldn't help asking. "Different good or different bad?"

"Just different. The music's good, your voice's… great. The lyrics… not my favorite considering they are like a slap to my face." Tommy told her, his hands in his pockets, while slowly coming closer.

"Come again?" Jude said dumbfounded. She had expected anything, but not this. He used to be full of praise for every single one of her songs. Even if they were about what an idiot he was, even when he was angry with her, he had never told her that her song or her lyrics sucked. Well except for her first version of "24 hours" and "Natural Disaster", but with "24 hours", he had tried to make a point as her new producer and with "Natural Disaster" he had been mad at her for what had happened on Sadie's birthday. So now, when he didn't say that the song was "different good", she couldn't believe it.

"You say, you don't believe I'm sorry. But how could you, when you won't even listen to what I have to say. All I hear is that you're all moved on and that you don't want to do this anymore, but you never listen to what I have to say, you don't react to what I tell you.

And the day you left, I came back. I went into that room filled with people looking totally shocked, like if someone had died. But no, it was just your sister and your friends and your boss, having just learned that you had decided to leave the town without saying goodbye. They didn't speak for me for weeks though, which was why it took me some time to find out what had happened.

I came back for you as soon as I could. And you had left. I don't blame you, you had every reason to feel betrayed after I had left you the way I did, but I did come back. And I did try. I didn't just forget you till a few days ago. I went up to that stupid Empire State Building a few nights every week, hoping against all odds to meet you there someday. So you saying that I'm not sorry when you won't even listen to me, that's a slap in my face because I'm in love with you and I never thought you'd be someone to just judge me without knowing all the facts."

Jude just stared at Tommy, who had stopped a step away from her. Her big eyes wide open, unable to break away from his. After he had finished she opened her mouth to say something, but she didn't know what, so she closed it again. Tommy just smiled at her and waited for her to process, for which she was grateful.

Slowly his words sank in and her mind started thinking halfway normally again. She had to admit that he had a point. He had come back for her and she had been gone. He had tried to explain and she hadn't listened.

_But if he came back for me, then why did he get effing married three months later? Six months after our first and last date he got married. And now he has the nerve to complain that I don't want to hear excuses from a still married guy. That I don't want to let him get to me because he's married and he's left me without as much as a decent explanation. I'm not the bad guy here. He is._

"You're a jerk. Did you know that? You're a self obsessed jerk. You left me back then and didn't call for three months. You put me through hell for over three months. And then you married, three months after I left I see you on the television telling the world how much you loved your wife and your kid. You can't honestly expect me to listen to excuses of a married man and father to a little child. You can't blame this on me." Jude told him seething, her eyes teary and angry. She couldn't yet decide if she'd rather glare at Tommy or cry.

"I never said it was your fault. I just want you to listen to me. Even if you don't want to hear it, can't you just listen for me? Because I need to tell you. I needed to tell you for years now and I can't take you not caring about it now. If you'd just listen…" Tommy trailed off, sounding slightly desperate. He was begging her to listen, he, Tom Quincy, was begging a girl. Jude Harrison.

"You say you want me to leave you alone. Take 10 minutes and listen to my excuses and if you still want me out of your life, I'll stay away. It'll be like you never knew me. Just what you want so badly."

"It'll never be like I never knew you. You broke my heart, you were the first one I loved. You destroyed Jude Harrison." Jude said quietly. "But Jude Johnson might be happy, if she could feel like she never knew you."

"Does that mean… does it mean you'll actually let me explain everything to you?" Tommy asked sounding hopeful and… the other emotion in his voice Jude wasn't able to identify which confused her. Just as his question did in general, she wasn't sure if she wanted to listen to his excuses. There was a not so slight chance, that she would do something stupid if she'd listen to him, like actually listen to him.

Tommy starred at her, his eyes seeming to ask: What's it gonna be Jude? And Jude suddenly got very nervous. He was starring at her with his eyes and his look seemed to be even more intense than they had been before, if that was even possible.

* * *

I know, it took me some time to put this up, but I've been busy with school, I've been ill the better of last week and I've started a novel. It's my third try at writing my own, totally fictional novel, not based on anything, and I'm pretty excited.

The first ones I quit at around 200 pages, so let's hope this one will work out ;) Especially since there's a pretty big part of my own life in it and I'm damn excited to see where it goes.

Ok, what I'm trying to say is, i don't want to abandone my stories here and I'll try to keep on updating without too long pauses. But you'd really help the matter if you'd keep the reviews coming. Because I found it difficult to write in german again in the beginning, after I've only written in english outside of the school. Now I have to balance it which isn't easy.

Oh and the song Jude sings is "You're not Sorry" by Taylor Swift.

Kathy ;)


	16. Chapter 16

**Last Chapter ~ Views: 68; Reviews: 0**

* * *

_**16. Let The Games Begin**_

* * *

_**"I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made **_  
_**I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through **_  
_**I've never been perfect, but neither have you **_  
_**So if you're asking me, I want you to know **_

_**When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done **_  
_**Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed **_  
_**Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty **_  
_**Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest **_  
_**Leave out all the rest"**_

_**(Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park)**_

* * *

Tommy starred at her, his eyes seeming to ask: What's it gonna be Jude?

And Jude suddenly got very nervous. He was starring at her with those eyes and his look seemed to be even more intense than they had been before, if that was even possible.

"Alright. I'll listen. But not here, not right now." Jude told him softly, not sure if she could trust her voice. In her mind there was a fight going on about whether she had just done the right thing or the second biggest mistake of her life.

"Whenever and wherever you want. I'll be there." Tommy told her, a grin slowly spreading on his face. He looked like a dream had just come true for him and the hope was now obvious for everyone to see in his eyes. Jude couldn't help but give him a small smile; he was so different then from the man she used to know. Three years ago, he wouldn't have shown his feelings so openly.

"How about a coffee tonight after the concert?" Jude asked tentatively, still having to suppress the urge to back out again as quickly as possible. It was too risky in her opinion, she knew that listening to him explaining, that being near him, was a risk. And she wasn't a risk taker anymore.

But still, accepting this challenge, feeling that nervous feeling in her stomach; it felt good, familiar and alive. Singing or dancing or acting, it all made her feel alive in different ways, but this was something completely else. She knew that it had to do with taking a risk for the first time in about a year; she knew it had to do with her old feelings for Tommy. For a second she felt a small pang of sadness, knowing that after their talk, she'd might just never see him again, might never feel this again. But it went away as fast as it had appeared; she had chosen her life and had been happy with it till a few days ago.

"That would be great." Tommy replied looking so happy. Jude nearly got a bad conscience, how could he be so happy when she had had him promise her to leave her alone after that coffee?

"And then it'll be over?" Jude suddenly said. Her eyes went wide, she hadn't meant to say that out loud. She hadn't meant to sound so cold and calculating. Tommy's smile faded slowly and he was looking at her incredulously. But she couldn't back out now, now could she?

"After tonight you'll leave me alone?" Jude continued when he didn't say anything. She stayed firm and emotionless on the outside, but it hurt her to see how Tommy went from overly happy to incredibly sad.

"I'll do whatever you want me to." Tommy told her sincerely after a minute of silence, a strange look in his eyes now. Jude looked surprised at his choice of words after she had been so cruelly clear about what she would want, but accepted it. She didn't have it in her to force him to say it out loud when the whole thing obviously meant a lot to him.

_Means a lot to him? He's bloody in love with you, you idiot!_

Jude ignored the voice in her head, that she already knew to be nothing but annoying. She didn't bother to argue with it since she didn't have many arguments and knew so. So she just looked Tommy straight in the eyes, trying to get a message across, though she didn't even know what she wanted to say to him exactly.

Jude nodded slowly and turned around, not feeling comfortable under Tom Quincy's penetrating stare any longer. She silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything else, that he would for now just leave it alone. She didn't want to hear another word about how much he cared for her. But she sadly knew Tommy too well to really expect that he would just let her walk away.

"But even if you'll tell me to leave, I'll always be there for you if you need me, no matter what."

Jude sighed and stopped dead. What was she supposed to say now? How does one answer something as sweet and romantic as this? He had just voiced what both of them knew deep down. He would always be there for her and if he ever needed her... she'd like to believe that she'd still be there for him too.

"I know." Jude replied quietly but didn't turn around. She sighed. "I know."

* * *

Jude took a glance through the curtains that marked the end of the backstage area and the begin of the stage. The huge hall was nearly filled by now and she knew that it were merely 15 more minutes until she'd start the concert. Her concert. Her first concert for over three years.

She drew in a deep breath and stepped back from the curtain, deciding to not let herself get anymore worked up about this than she already was. This was new to her, she had never been scared of performing in front of crowds. Granted, she had never performed in front of a crowd this big, but still, stage fright was something she had never had to worry about.

Jude closed her eyes and sighed. Just what she had needed. After everything that had already happened, she now was scared to death of going on that stage in front of everyone. Everyone being her fans, the cameras, her friends and colleagues, Nikki, Darius, Nate and even Ed. She knew that the latter was there. She felt his presence, it was similar to when she just had known that Tommy was around at the sound check.

Tommy, he would of course be around too, though he was probably somewhere backstage, like she was right now. She had seen glimpses of him since their earlier conversation, but she had always avoided eye contact or coming him too near. She'd deal with him after the concert. After all, there was only so much a girl could take.

SME was gathered not too far from her on her right, but she hadn't talked to them yet. They hadn't really tried to do so either. That is if you don't count the three times Spied marched up to her and either stopped halfway or –once- he even stood right in front of her, he had opened his mouth to say something, but… nothing had come out. His eyes had roamed over her appearance, had taken in the determined and defensive look in her eyes, the firm and confident expression she wore. And then, after he hadn't said anything for a few minutes, she had been called away. And she had left him standing there without saying a word.

Jude shuddered at the memory. She couldn't believe that she had nothing to say to Spied, her Spied. Her friend, her ex-boyfriend, her favorite guitarist, the goofy boy that had always made her smile. He had grown, he looked matured and handsome. Although from what Jude had observed so far, he hadn't really matured at all. This thought made her smile involuntarily.

The sound of a familiar voice interrupted Jude's train of thoughts. She turned around and saw another part of her past fighting with the guy who had organized the soundcheck. Kwest. Her sister's boyfriend. Jude felt a wave for sympathy wash over her, she had always liked Kwest and she was suddenly dying of curiosity to find out more about her sister. Jude strut over to Kwest with a wide smile plastered on her face. Finally someone she wanted to see again, someone she would be able to talk to without feeling too guilty for never once calling.

"Kwest! Long time no see." She greeted him warmly when he turned to her. He frowned and looked her over. Jude suddenly felt uncomfortable under his stare, realizing that she had just put away her dressing gown minutes ago, so that now she only wore her short and tight stage outfit. She had always considered Kwest some sort of brother and now felt uncomfortable, knowing that he'd think she was dressed like a slut.

But Kwest quickly averted his eyes from her outfit and just gave her one last accusing look before he turned his back on her and started to walk away.

"Kwest!" She called after him, but he didn't stop. "What's the hell is wrong with you?" She yelled now louder, trying to catch up with him. But he was walking fast while she was in high heels. While she was experienced and talented for walking in high heels, she still only barely managed to follow him through the busy backstage area.

"Kwest, stop it, now, please!" Jude called out after a few moments, feeling ridiculous. "Why won't you talk to me? What did I do to you?"

"What you did to me?" Kwest asked suddenly angrily and turned around. "Aside from leaving without saying goodbye, you did nothing to me. I could forgive you for that easily. But did you ever stop to think what you did to Sadie?"

"What I… what I did to Sadie?" Jude repeated soundlessly, completely taken aback by such a strong reaction from Kwest. She had never, never expected something like this to happen when she had spotted him minutes ago.

"You never called her. Not once in three years. She was worried sick, Jude. She was blaming herself for not knowing how you truly felt and how deeply Tommy had hurt you." Kwest said, his voice mocking and accusing. He neither looked nor sounded like the Kwest that she remembered at all. He used to be so patient and forgiving and warm and calm and… not spiteful and angry. "Everybody was so worried about you, all your friends and your sister. Did you ever stop to think how they must feel? Or did you just embrace your new glamorous life and forgot all about those who once cared about you?"

Jude looked at Kwest disbelievingly and hurt. She couldn't believe what he was saying, throwing at her. Of course she had thought about her friends and her sister, had longed to talk to them again. Had wondered how they were doing. But she had figured that it would be best for all of them if she just stayed out of their lives. She wasn't the Jude they had known once and she'd rather have them remember the old, not-broken, not-so-tough Jude. And then, when she had gotten better and had found some sort of happiness, she had been unable to call her sister since she had felt guilty and she had been worried of getting sucked back into her old life.

"They never blamed you, you know?" Kwest suddenly added quietly. His eyes were suddenly shadowed with hurt and slight… desperation? Jude couldn't make sense out of what she was seeing and hearing. "But I do. It's all your fault, Jude. Yours and yours alone. She got sick and you weren't there. It's your fault." His voice cracked and he stopped. He had only whispered his last words anyway. Hate shined now in his eyes and it was all directed towards Jude.

Before she could say or do anything, he had turned around already and had walked away briskly. He left a stunned and shocked Jude behind who didn't even know what had happened. Maybe she had only been dreaming everything? She had no idea what he was talking about. But his words still rang in her ears.

**It's all your fault… She got sick and you weren't there… your fault.**

But Sadie couldn't have gotten seriously sick, could she? Jude would have known, right? Somehow she would have known. Someone would have told her. Her sister couldn't have been really sick without her knowing.

_But how should anybody have told you? You made sure that they couldn't find you. How would you have known if Sadie got sick, or if she even died?_

"No. No, no, no. She's not dead. She's fine. She's gotta be fine." Jude whispered quietly, fighting against tears. Why had she never considered this? Why had she never had the idea that something could have happened to someone she loved?

"Jude! We need you on the stage in 3 minutes!" Someone called her and interrupted her thoughts. That was a good thing, since she probably would have gotten near to a breakdown if she had dwelled any longer on Kwest's words.

"I'm coming!" She replied instinctively, the professional in her taking control. She couldn't break down now, she had a job to do, people to satisfy, money to make. She had taught herself the hard way that she could never break down when she wasn't alone, when it was bright day. The only times she had ever allowed herself to cry during the last years, had been when she had been alone in her hotel room or in her flat or wherever she had been living. This hard training paid off now.

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She stood at the side entrance to the stage, looking calm and collected on the outside while across from her on the other side of the stage, a man was slowly counting down the time. She didn't turn around when SME took their positions behind her. All that she concentrated on right now, was to put on a happy face for the world.

Then, finally after what felt like an eternity, the sign came and Jude strut out on the stage, holding her head up high and smiling broadly at the crowd while waving. She walked up to the mic that was positioned in the middle of the front stage. She waited a few minutes until the applause and noise had faded.

"Hello everyone, thanks so much for coming tonight on such short notice!" Jude began, forced to wait another few moments until the screams had tied down. "I know that it's been a shock for some of you to learn that I'm calling myself now Jude Johnson. I'm truly sorry for keeping the truth from you and from lots of others whom I care about, but I needed this. I needed to be able to start over and I needed to get away from my old life. My reasons were personal and all I can tell you now, is that today I'm happy with my life and where I am. I'm not sure yet if I'll start singing and recording again, but tonight that doesn't really matter. Because tonight I'll give you, my faithful fans, the best concert ever. I'll start out with my old songs, but tonight I'll also perform a few songs, that no one beside me ever heard yet. I love you guys and here goes the first song, Let Me Fall, the first single from my very first album." Jude sighed playfully "Good times back then, weren't they?"

_**I feel chained, chained down  
You shoved me to the ground  
I can't run, I can't shout  
Just let me out **_

_**So heartless, this couldn't mean less  
Gonna push it in your face  
I'm only human  
And I've got something to say **_

_**Let me rise, let me fall  
Let me breathe  
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all  
Let me break, let me crawl  
Cause I'll get back up again if you let me fall **_

Jude enjoyed performing this song, it was one of her favorite songs. She had once written it about her parents and about the people in her life who told her she couldn't do this or who tried to protect her from everything. She felt that she wasn't angry with her parents anymore, she didn't still hold a grudge against her father for cheating and leaving the family nor did she blame her mother for just leaving and forgetting about her daughters. And she surely didn't blame them for always fighting while they had still been together.

She hadn't yet thought about it, but she now realized what she had known deep down all along, she was over it. She hadn't thought about her parents in such a long time, that she hadn't even realized it.

_But it's a good feeling. I'm happy without my parents, I'm not depending on them. Maybe because most of my friends and colleagues don't really have much to do with their families either. Acting comes first and without a sister and without living in my parents' house every day, I'm not constantly reminded of them –or the lack of them- either. So I'm not really missing anything._

_**If I burn down in this fire  
Well, I got myself to blame  
I can't stop or give it up  
I need to feel the pain **_

_**Can you hear me?  
Don't come near me  
You'll just get in my way  
I'm only human  
And there's nothing you can say **_

_**Let me rise, let me fall  
Let me breathe  
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all  
Let me break, let me crawl  
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall **_

_**Say you know who I am  
And what I'm about  
Then you'll understand that I feel alone  
I live my own life **_

_**Let me rise, let me fall  
Let me breathe  
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all  
Let me break, let me crawl  
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall **_

_**Yeah, yeah, yeah  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
If you let me fall  
If you let me  
If you let me fall  
If you let me fall  
I will get up again if you let me fall  
Yeah, yeah, yeah  
Yeah, yeah  
If you let me fall  
If you let me fall  
Let me fall**_

Jude's breathing was quick and abrupt, not as used to singing as she once was. But she still didn't have any problems singing the song through or with her breathing. She just figured that she'd need a few moments more between performing songs.

Something she couldn't fight, even if she had wanted to, was the wide grin that was now on her face. Her eyes sparkled with life and joy and every worry she had had before seemed to have faded into the background. Jude loved performing, she loved the adrenaline, and she loved the feeling of everything aside from the stage and her singing fading into the background. It was the best feeling in the world.

While in the beginning of the song she had just stood in front of the mic and sung, she now had it in her hands and was walking around with it. Instinctively, she was falling back into her old performing habits and knew again why she had used to love performing the most. It was the best part of being a professional singer.

"Thanks guys. Ok, now on to another song from my first album. Here comes: It Could Be You, for all of you who are in love tonight."

_**You and me all alone  
it's too late to say we didn't know  
We shouldn't be all alone  
One of us might lose control  
Of these feelings we've been hiding  
Deep down they might start to show  
Not here not now watch my frustrations grow **_

Jude tried to ignore the memories rushing back to her, but she couldn't help it. She remembered the days at the farm house with Tommy and Sadie. How they had written the song and how she had seen Tommy and Sadie kissing outside. How much it had hurt.

_But damn, it really helped me finish this song. Everytime Tommy hurt me, I produced a great song. __It speaks for itself when I say that I have an awful lot of great songs._

Jude smiled ironically and started with the chorus.

_**I know what I feel and you feel it too  
I dream of the first kiss and who'll make the first move  
Who's gonna put their heart on the line  
It could be me it could be you tonight **_

_**Show me who you are  
Stop me before I go too far  
'cause it hurts to hold back  
So hold me or I might crack  
I'm gasoline you're the match  
I'm not sure if we can handle that  
We might explode could be a mess  
I say we take the chance **_

To Be Continued…

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Ok, guys, this time I waited with the awfully long and annoying Authors Note until the end. Just wanted to let you know, that the next chapter will be a flashback to Jude Johnson's past. Chapter 18 will be about the concert again, and 19 will be another flashback (in this chapter you'll finally learn what happened with Ed and Jude and what he did, yay ;))...

Reviews are always appreciated.

yours truly


	17. Chapter 17

Last Chapter: Visitors: 117; Reviews: 3

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Responses:

**instantstar69**: ah no problem, I'm just glad to know you're still following :) Hope things have calmed down a bit now.

**mjelane**: Finally, an update, I'll try to update more quickly from now on. Thanks for the feedback :)

**ShadyLady21**: Hm, I don't want to give any hints on Sadie right now, sorry :P And for what Jude expected, well, she just didn't realize something really bad could have happened and what it meant to have no idea what was going on at home. And she did expect people to be angry, but she didn't expect Kwest to be one of them. After all he had never been THAT close to her.

Thanks for the reviews guys :) :)

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_**17. It Could Be You**_

_**

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A year and a couple of months ago…

"_**I know what I feel and you feel it too**_

_**I dream of the first kiss and how'll make the first move**_

_**Who's gonna put their heart on the line?**_

_**It could be me, It could be you**_

_**Tonight"**_

Jude sat in her limo, grinning uncontrollably. Her life couldn't get any better right now and she knew it. She had just gotten a role she had been after for weeks already and this was a big one. It meant that she now really had made it. She was a star – again. Only this time she had made it all on her own and was damn proud of it.

What she loved the most about being a famous actress was that she didn't have a second Darius dictating her every move. No one was kicking her out of a studio because she hadn't done too well in her last movie. Nowadays, movies were seen by millions only because of her. She had a solid fanbase in Europe and Asia and the producers loved her. And she was in love with her job.

But her day wasn't over yet, it was only 4 p.m. and she still had a date with Ed tonight. She couldn't believe just how great everything had been going with Ed lately. She truly loved him and knew that he did too. It felt like if she had finally gotten what she had always wanted, her prince charming.

Not that Ed was perfect or something, no he had his faults like his temper or a little bit vanity. But she loved him that way even more. So what if he was tempered? She liked being challenged, she always had and always would. There were few people that could truly stir Jude Johnson's temper, since she was an outstanding actress, she usually always kept her cool, but with Ed things were different.

There had been many who had had to find out that they weren't enough of a challenge to her, starting with Jamie and Spied in what felt like an eternity ago, and other more recently boys. Though recently was relative, she hadn't dated anyone but Ed during the last year. And he hadn't dated anyone else but her too.

_It really is crazy with us. We're only official and exclusive since three months and yet both of us haven't been out with others for a year. After everything that has happened, I never would have thought I'd feel like that someday. After Tommy I never thought I could trust someone like that again, not to mention love like that again. And I probably couldn't have if it hadn't been for Ed. I let him down so often and told him that we could be nothing but friends since I wasn't ready yet, that I thought I had lost his love for good. Though I didn't really mind back then, because I figured that a great friend was even better than a boyfriend with whom it wouldn't work out in the end anyways. Boy, was I wrong._

Jude smiled happily while was silently reviewing her and Ed's relationship from the very beginning. He had been her savior, her friend, her pain-in-the-ass, and finally her boyfriend. And by now he was becoming her everything.

Jude's cell went off and interrupted her thoughts. She picked it up and checked the caller ID before answering it.

"Hey boyfriend, missed me?" She asked lightly, knowing that she was now grinning like a fool but she didn't care. If he still made her feel like that after a whole year, then who was she to be embarrassed about it?

"I sure did, love. So, I hope I can congratulate you?" Ed asked. Jude smiled, it was so like him to remember that she had her audition today, even though it had been a hard day for him.

"Yeah, you can, I got the job. But really whom else could they have given it?" She smiled and paused, but her playful arrogance and her smile faded quickly. "So how did it go with you today?" She asked a little bit worried.

Ed had spent the weekend at his parents' house and that was never a good sign. Ed's family saw him as the black sheep of the family. They were very wealthy business people and still thought that Ed wasn't living up to his potential by being a "stupid actor". That he now was rich himself was a fact they just overlooked. Jude had wondered why he would go to his parents' for a whole weekend, but he had told her that he'd fill her in when they'd see each other again. Which was today.

"The same old story. I'm still useless in my parents' eyes. And stupid and capable of way more than what I'm doing now. My father even dared to threaten me." Ed told his girlfriend in an emotionless tone. Jude cringed, knowing that whenever Ed was talking this indifferently he was truly upset and furious inside. She felt her heart break a little for him, knowing how much his parents' approval would mean to him, no matter what he always claimed to feel towards them (which was according to him nothing).

"He threatened you?" Jude asked, now not longer able to hide the worry. She knew that Ed wouldn't want her to get upset and worried about something like this when it was her "big day", but she couldn't help it.

"Yeah, he said that if I wasn't going to make something out of myself, he would disinherit me. Big shocker. I told him to shove his millions and that I had enough money myself. That I'd live my own life and that I wouldn't let him tell me what to do any longer." Ed paused, trying to calm himself down. "Then I left. But don't worry about me, girl, the only reason I didn't tell him what I was thinking before was because of mum. I wanted to spare her that. But since she took my father's side in the end, I don't see any reason anymore to pretend that we are something even remotely like a family. I don't need them and they don't want me, so now everybody's happy."

"I'm so sorry, Ed. They don't know what they're missing out on." Jude offered, feeling helpless. She hated to see Ed hurt like that. She knew how it felt when the own father was disappointing and when it felt like he didn't give a damn. When he seemingly abandoned the family and just spat on the love you've given him for so long. But she knew that Ed must feel a hundred times worse, because her father had left the family, but he had still loved her and she still had had a family – sort of.

"Actually they do." He said bitterly, but quickly continued before Jude could say anything else. "But that doesn't matter now. Tell your driver to bring you to the airport right now."

"What? But we're in Rome and I got all my stuff in the hotel room and I haven't even changed for our date yet!" Jude said laughing, thinking it was a joke.

"So what? We'll come back tomorrow and get it!" Ed replied, sounding excited. "Come on Jude, just say yes. It's a date tonight, let's do something crazy. It's not like we have anyone to ask for permission. Let's just live in the moment!"

Jude looked stunned for a few moments and processed what he was saying. It really did sound crazy. How could she just up and leave with him, fly to god knows where he was planning on taking her.

"Oh what the hell." Jude muttered when she realized that the thought should be scary, but wasn't at all. "Driver, change of plans. Please take me to the airport asap!" She called through the limo.

"You made the right choice, girl! You know where my private jet is, I'll wait for you there." With that he hung up. Jude starred at her cell, still stunned. He had just hung up on her like that. Not even saying goodbye.

_Well, that probably just means he's clever, because first he knows I'd ask him a million questions about that little trip he has planned and he obviously wants it to be some kind of surprise. And secondly he knows I won't change my mind this way. I'm way too curious by now._

Jude smiled and looked outside the window for the rest of the drive. Rome really was a beautiful city if you asked her.

"Ed? I'm here!" Jude called into the empty airplane. She hadn't been in Ed's latest private jet yet and figured that if he was making her wait, she could just as well take a look around. The interior looked like right out of one of those movies. Eveything was out of leather, color: cream.

Suddenly two hands covered her eyes from behind. She felt a body touch her back and hot breath on her neck when the person spoke.

"Hey beautiful. What exactly did you expect for tonight's date?" Ed asked lowly. Jude shivered comfortably and answered softly, excited due to his closeness.

"A nice candlelight dinner. Or maybe a movie?" She half asked, wondering what he had expected to hear from her. She had expected something calm, not too fancy, just for the two of them. He chuckled and she knew instantly that he had expected her to say just that.

"You're easy to satisfy" He took his hands off her eyes and spun her around so that she was now in his arms, facing him. He leaned in and they kissed. First gently then more passionately.

"So, look what I got for you." He told her when they pulled apart because they needed air. He stepped aside and Jude found herself starring at a nice old table with already lit candles on it set for two people and a wide screen behind it.

"A candlelight dinner and a movie? Aw, you're the perfect guy." Jude said grinning. She loved that Ed knew what she liked the most and that a dinner and a movie combined on one date was for her a perfect night.

"Don't forget that it's all in the air too, I thought that would definitely be worth some extra points. But like I said, you're easy to satisfy, Peachy" He laughed and kissed her before he pulled back her chair, acting all gentleman like. Jude smiled broadly and sat down. She loved how Ed would always stand up to her and tell her what he thought and yet could be so perfect and gentleman sometimes.

_I can't believe I actually found someone like him. He's my prince. He even truly saved me from that creep Eric. And he was willing to wait for me, too. And he has a total non-cliché name for me, his girlfriend. Peachy. Damn I love how that sounds. Never the less I still love it when he calls me girl too._

"Penny for your thoughts." Ed said while he sat down himself. Jude looked up and gave him an apologizing smile, she had drifted off and she knew that it was impolite. She also knew that Ed wasn't taking any offense since he knew her well enough to know that it meant nothing.

"I was just thinking about us. 'Can't believe how lucky I am to have you' and all that stuff." She joked and grinned cheekily at her boyfriend.

"So you're "just peachy", huh?" Ed inquired, grinning about the secret joke. In the beginning, when the two had only been friends, Jude had often gotten into her "moods" and whenever he had then asked her what was going on, she had answered him with quite an attitude. Her standard answer had been "I'm just peachy, thanks." And then when she had finally started to actually trust him, he had just kept on calling her "peachy". Even though she had fought it for months, she had secretly loved it all the time. And then there had been their first kiss, when she had...

"And now you're just trying to annoy me, huh?" Ed asked chuckling and Jude blushed when she realized that she had drifted off yet again. But she couldn't help it, she was just so happy being near him. "You've used to do a much better job at that." They shared a smile and started eating, always keeping up a playful banter.

Steps. It felt like there were a million of them. And let me tell you climbing up step after step after step blindfolded, even though guided by your boyfriend, made you feel stupid. Stupid for agreeing to let him make a big secret out of where they were exactly.

When they had landed, he had asked her if she trusted him. She had surprised herself when she had answered without hesitation that she indeed did. But it was true, she truly did trust him, something that was completely beyond her after everything that had happened so far, after all the times she's been betrayed by the ones she loved and trusted.

So now she was climbing up somewhere and felt incredibly dumb for not knowing where the hell she was in the first place. But she had gotten herself into this mess and she had to admit that she usually would be way more freaked out.

But Ed was telling her comforting, funny stuff, managing to make her laugh a few times and then the whole thing seemed like a walk in the park. He knew she had trust issues and just how much it meant that she was doing this willingly.

"When are we finally there?" Jude whined.

"Just a couple more steps, I promise, girl." Ed whispered in her ear and his hot breath meeting her skin made her shiver. She walked on, trying to just concentrate on feeling him next to her, behind her. He made sure to always touch her in some way, which was reassuring her and she was grateful for that. And she hated steps. And blindfolds.

"Ok, you can stop now. We're there." He said and when Jude instinctively tried to take the next step she stumbled forwards a bit when there wasn't one. Ed laughed behind her and she blushed but smiled too, just because she loved his laugh so much.

"So will you take off that blindfold already, or do I have to do it myself?" Jude asked and raised one eyebrow, turning into the direction she believed Ed to be. She sounded a bit impatient, due to the lack of contact. He wasn't touching her anymore and she didn't like it at all.

"Just one more second." Ed said quickly. He took her gently by her shoulders and guided her. "Ok, now you can take it off."

Jude took off the blindfold and found herself staring at a million lights way down below her. It was like a sea of lights, and she immediately knew it to be lights of a big city. Taking in more of her surroundings while leaning on the steel banister in front of her, she realized that they were in Paris and she was standing on top of the Eiffel Tower in the middle of the night. It was a beautiful, breathtaking view. She laughed happily, she loved Paris and had told Ed so a million times. It figured that he'd just take her here like that. And that was one of the things she loved so much about him, he always knew how to make her happy.

When she turned around to face him, she didn't saw him. A look of confusion crossed her face until she lowered her eyes and saw her boyfriend kneeing in front of her, grinning cheekily, holding a small, black, velvet box in his hands. She gasped and a warm feeling spread through her. He was proposing to her. And there was nothing in the world that could prevent her from saying yes. Knowing that she smiled widely at him.

"I could now give you a cheesy speech about how you are the most beautiful and exciting and clever and infuriating woman I ever met and how you saying yes now would make me the happiest man alive. But while all of that is true, it doesn't do us justice. I need you Jude, we both have issues and we're not perfect, but you're perfect for me. And I'd like to think you're perfect for me too. To cut it short, I love you, Jude Johnson and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" The second he spoke the last word, two lips met his.

"Yes, of course I will." Jude answered between two kisses. "I love you too, more than I thought I ever could love someone."

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I'm not exactly happy bout this chapter, but after you know how they met, I figured I'd need one good moment preferably the proposal. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I can't write proposals. I always feel like I'm just writing down one cliché after another, but then again, what else CAN you write? I mean, the whole thing's sort of a cliché moment. Anyways. Next two updates should come soon(-ish).

yours truly ;)


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